Veera Hiranandani - How to Find What Youre Not Looking For

Its harder than you think.

First, lie on your messy bed wearing your Wonder Woman pajamas that are too small because youve had them since you were nine. Then, watch your older sister, Leah, pin up her hair for dance class. She sits in her black leotard at the small white vanity, her back straight as a board, a magazine cutout of Paul Newman taped to the corner of her mirror. She uses at least fifteen bobby pins for her bun. Count in your head while she sticks the pins in.

One, two, three. Shes rushing because she has to be on the #4 bus by 9:00 a.m. for pointe class at Madame Duchons Dance Academy. She dances there every day except Sunday. Youre not even sure how she spends so much time at dance and still does well in school.

Leah seems to do well at everything.

Not you. Youre the lazy one. Youre just trying to keep up, but along with all the other things Leah does, she helps you keep up.

Four, five, six.

Ma wishes Leah didnt take dance on Saturdays because of Shabbos, but Leah says it makes no sense for her not to dance if Ma and Daddy work all day at Gerties, their bakery. Then Ma says Leahs right and that maybe they should be more observant and not work on Saturdays.Daddy says the bakery wouldnt survive if they closed on Saturday in this town and thats more important. They argue about the rules like that sometimes, how Jewish youre all supposed to be.

Seven, eight, nine.

On pin ten, Leah suddenly stops and puts her hands over her face. Her shoulders start to shake. You lean forward in your bed, confused, to get a closer look.

Leah hardly ever cries. Youre the crier. Its the only way anyone pays attention to you. You cry when youre sad, or mad, or when you watch Lassie. Sometimes you even cry when youre extra happy. You get it from Daddy. Hes a crier, too.

Leah manages to keep a smile on her face most of the time. If shes upset, she gets serious and walks away, her shoulders straight, her head held high.

But today, on a warm Saturday in early June, as the sun tumbles through the window and the birds chirp and the smell of Mas Sanka floats in through the bottom of the bedroom door, Leah sobs into her hands, and it terrifies you.

Leah, you say, jumping out of bed and over to her side. Dont cry. Whats the trouble?

She turns to you. She picks up a tissue off the vanity, presses it to her eyes, then blows her nose. If I tell you a secret, will you promise to keep it forever? she says.

Forever?

Yes, forever, she says. Its the biggest secret Ive ever had, and if you dont think you can promise, I wont say it.

Keeping a secret is not your favorite thing to do. Secrets make your stomach hurt. You can count on one hand the secrets youve kept. You once took a report card out of the mailbox and hid it in your schoolbag for a week. But you got caught. Sometimes when you hang out with your friend Jane, you make it seem like you have other friends. But you dont. Occasionally you steal cookies from Gerties and keep them in a coffee can in your room. Youve never had to keep a really big secret before, and certainly not forever.

Leahs cheeks get blotchy, and her eyes start to fill again with tears. Oh please, she says. I have to tell someone, and I need it to be you.

Leah saying she needs youis there anything more special than that? Maybe if you know her secret, some of her specialness will spill over onto you. She bites her lip and grabs your hand.

Okay, you say, taking a deep breath. I promise.

She holds up her pinkie and wraps it around yours. Oh, Ari, something crazy has happened.

What? Whats happened? A flush of sweat starts collecting on your top lip.

Ive fallen in love, she says, your pinkies still linked together, her eyes still locked on yours. You let go of her pinkie and take your hand away.

Youve fallen in love? How? With who? you say.

She gets up and starts to pace a little, so you sit down on your bed. You want to give her room.

Ive never felt this way about anyone. Its like I can see my future, she says.

She looks scared when she tells you this, and it makes you feel a little scared. You havent known anyone in love before. Youve watched the soap opera Days of Our Lives with Ma, and it doesnt look like much fun. It seems that people start having lots of problems when they fall in love.

If you think about it, youve been noticing some odd things about Leah, like the way she hums a tune everywhere she goes, even when Ma makes her clean the bathroom on Sundays. She wears her best clothes every day. She leaves a trail of Chanel No. 5 behind her, and she never used to wear perfume. She always seems to be thinking of something else.

Who is he? Do I know him? you ask her.

As she walks back and forth, she tells you that the boy shes in love with is not a boy at all. Hes a young man about to graduate from college. He already enrolled in graduate school this fall because he wants to keep studying and doesnt want to get drafted into the Vietnam War. She met him six months ago at Rockys Records in town. Hes from India, but he lives here now and works at Rockys after his classes because he loves music.

And he wants to marry Leah.

Married? Now? You cant be serious, you say as your heart pounds in your ears. You dont know what any of this means, and you dont want anyone to take Leah away from you. How would she have any time to be your sister if she got married? It makes you want to give her secret back.

Im eighteen. Ma got married at eighteen, she says, her eyebrows turning angry. Lots of girls get married at eighteen. She presses her hands to her cheeks as if shes trying to hold herself in.

I suppose so, you say, still thinking shes lost her mind. But its true. You think of Betty Campbell and Donna Marino, two girls who got married right after high school. They had their pictures in the local paper, and they looked like the plastic dolls Daddy keeps at the bakery to put on top of wedding cakes.