Fanny Merkin - Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody

Table of Contents

Praise for Fifty Shames of Earl Grey

Im laughing as much as I was when I read the original Fifty Shades .

Alyssa Palmer, erotic romance author of Prohibited Passion

Im not telling you to buy Fifty Shames of Earl Grey because Im banging the author. Im telling you to buy Fifty Shames of Earl Grey AND Im banging the author.

Tiffany Reisz, author of the BDSM erotica series, The Original Sinners

Wickedly funny and irreverent. I laughed throughout the entire book and couldnt put it down... Dont miss this book.

Laurie London, author of the Sweetblood paranormal romance series

Hilarious... A super fun read, like going to Six Flags with Zooey Deschanel.

Kitty Glitter, author of Wesley Crusher: Teenage F*** Machine

Chapter One

I GROWL WITH FRUSTRATION at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is fifty shades of messed up. Why is it so kinky and out of control? I need to stop sleeping with it wet. As I brush my long brown hair, the girl in the mirror with brown eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait... my eyes are blue! It dawns on me that I havent been looking into the mirrorIve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is fine.

The situation Im in, however, is still fifty shades of messed up. My roommate, Kathleen, has the brown bottle flu. What a B. She was supposed to be the one interviewing this mega-corporate beefcake for Boardroom Hotties magazine. Since shes too busy throwing up buckets of puke into the toilet, Ive been volunteered to do her dirty work. (The interview, not cleaning up her vomit.) I am mere weeks away from graduating from college with a liberal arts bachelors degree. Instead of studying for my final exams, though, Im about to ride my bike three and a half hours from Portland, Oregon, to downtown Seattle to meet with Earl Grey, the fabulously wealthy CEO of the Earl Grey Corporation. The interview cant be rescheduled, Kathleen says, because Mr. Greys time is precious and oh-so-valuable. Like mine isnt? As I said, my roommate is a total B.

Kathleen is sprawled out on the living room couch watching 16 and Pregnant . This wouldnt be so bad if she was my age and in school, but shes old enough to be my mom. If they ever do a show called Washed Up at 38, Im sure shell be the first cast. Shes a staff writer for Boardroom Hotties , a gig she treats as her own Rich Asshole dating service. None of the corporate executives shes profiled have proposed to her, but she has made sandwiches with quite a few of them. You have to start somewhere, she always says. Why not with peanut-butter-jelly time? I dont know whats wrong with a good All-American HJ, but then again my experience with the opposite sex is almost nonexistent.

Kathleen looks up from her TV show and sees how annoyed I am with her. Im sorry, Anna. It took me months to get this interview. Please do this for me, she begs me with her raspy Christian BaleasBatman voice. Somebody smoked too many cigarettes last night.

Of course Ill do it, Kathleen. You need to rest. Do you need any NyQuil?

Does it have alcohol in it?

Yes, I say.

Then pour a shot into a glass with some Red Bull, she says. And heretake my minidisc recorder, and ask him these questions. Ill do the transcribing.

I cant believe Im doing this! I take the minidisc recorder and notebook from her and hop on my bicycle. Its only after Im peddling on the highway for a half hour that I remember her request for NyQuil and Red Bull. Oh, well. That B can get off her sick butt and mix her own drink.

The Earl Grey Corporation headquarters in downtown Seattle is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the cloudless sky like a steel erection. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me to no end, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.

An attractive blonde behind the receptionists desk smiles at me as I walk in. I assume shes the receptionist, because I cant think of any other reason she would be sitting behind the receptionists desk. Unless maybe shes filling in for the real receptionist, who could be on their lunch break. But then I remember: its almost two, and I doubt anyone takes their lunch breaks that late. So this must be the actual receptionist.

Im here to see Mr. Grey, I say. My name is Anna Steal. Im filling in for Kathleen Kraven.

Just a moment, Miss Steal, the receptionist says, checking her computer. I wish I had borrowed one of Kathleens suit jackets for the interview. Standing here in this big building in front of this professionally dressed woman, I feel naked in my Tommy hoodie and Victorias Secret sweatpants with PINK written across the ass. The sweatpants arent pink, thoughtheyre gray. This always confuses me when I put them on, because shouldnt they say GRAYon the backside? Maybe Victorias secret is that shes colorblind.

The receptionist glances up from her computer. Please sign in, Miss Steal, she says, pushing a clipboard with an attached pen across the desk to me. Youll want to take the elevator to the ninetieth floor.

I stare at her blankly. We dont have elevators in Portland. This will be my first elevator ride. How do they work, exactly?

She smiles. The elevator car that you ride in is suspended in a shaft by a steel rope, which is looped around a grooved pulley called a sheave. An electric motor rotates the sheave, raising and lowering the elevator car.

Thats fascinating, I say. Can I operate it myself?

Elevators are very simple to operate. Once youre inside, you just have to press the button that says ninety, she says as I sign in. Theres a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but I let it slide. Theyre probably not used to dealing with hicks from Portland around here.

The receptionist hands me a security badge that reads VIRGIN. Is it that obvious? How did you know

That youre a first-time visitor here at the Earl Grey Corporation? Relax, she says, winking. I was just as nervous as you were the first time I met Earl Grey.

I thank her and head toward the elevator. Two bald, muscular men dressed like secret service agents are standing guard, and one who looks exactly like Vin Diesel pushes the up arrow as I approach. Upon closer inspection, it is Vin Diesel. Woah. I step onto the elevator, push the button marked 90, and the magical box hurtles up toward Mr. Greys office. Its like an amusement park ride, only its free, you dont have to stand in line for two hours, and no ones thrown up all over the floor. Which makes me think of Kathleen again.

The elevator finally slows to a halt. The doors open and Im in another lobby made of glass and steel. Is the whole building made with the same materials? Where did they ever find so much glass and steel? I begin to do what I always do when Im thinking: pick my nose. Before I can shove my pinkie in too far, another attractive blonde greets me and guides me to a pleather beanbag chair. Wait here, Miss Steal, she says coolly.

I sink down into the beanbag chair and watch the blonde leave down a hallway. Does Earl Grey employ any male receptionists? What a creep. I dig through my backpack and pull out Kathleens notebook and glance over her questions. Who is this man Im supposed to interview, this man whose last name is the same as the color of my sweatpants? Is that a sign? That B Kathleen didnt tell me anything about him, and I didnt think to ask. My brain is always going blank. This guy could be a hundred years old or five. Although they wouldnt let a five-year-old run a company the size of the Earl Grey Corporation, would they? Then I remember: they totally would. I saw it in a movie when I was little. Richie Rich , starring that cute boy from Home Alone. God, if I have to interview an effing kid for the next hour, Im going to jump out the window right now! I cant contain my nervous energy. My leg starts twitching. Id rather be alone, curled up in a ball in my bed, crying myself to sleep. Anything but about to interview some five-year-old billionaire.