Jimmy Pritchard - The New York City Bartenders Joke Book

WARNER BOOKS EDITION Copyright 2002 by James H. Pritchard All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. Warner Books, Inc. Hachette Book Group 237 Park Avenue New York, NY 10017 Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com First eBook Edition: March 2010 ISBN: 978-0-446-55105-2 about two Irishmen who walked out of a bar () what has four legs and chases cats () the difference between a bitch and a slut () how to clear out an Iraqi bingo game () the most popular man in a nudist colony () the most popular woman in a nudist colony () why Viagra is like Disney World () the one about the Polish kidnappers () and hundreds more jokes, riddles, stories, and one-liners The New York City
Bartenders
Joke BookTo my Father and Mother,
Jim and Mimi Pritchard, who gave me sunshine
and good humor.To my wife Lisa, who laughs with me and at me
and soothes lifes shocks.And
The late William McGlynn I would like to thank Betsy Mitchell at Warner Books, who took the ball and handed off to Jaime Levine, who loves jokes and ran for a touchdown. I would like to thank my sister Linda, who finally gets my jokes, my little sister Jennifer, who always laughs at my jokes and my brother Shawn, who always tries to one-up me.

Thanks kids! Total thanks to my sons: Matthew, who has my knack for telling stories, and Michael, who has a knack for shortening the stories! Thanks to Michael C. Hutchinson, who always, without fail, makes me laugh, Harry and Betsy Stout, Tim and Kathleen Remy, Frank and Jane Tourigney, Gregg and Shelly Garner, Larry Aschenbrenner, Eric Aschenbrenner, Joe Safron, Erinn and Kevin Gibbons, Stephanie Pritchard and Takako Pritchard, without all of whom I wouldnt have anyone to try out my jokes on. Thanks to the jokesters, who keep me on my toes: Jon Aimone, Jim The Big One Barry, Alan Browdy, Dan Bull Bullington, Dave Cohen, Anthony Collins, The Doyle, Eric Floyd, Jack Foley, Don Gehan, Greg Getz, Cary Gilbert, Johnny Girouard, Tim Grant, Pete Hendrixson, Pete Iulo, Rob Kuhar, Dave Leonard, John McKerrow, Joe McWilliams, Alan Mervish, Saturday Night Dave Muhlfelder, Dave Perrine, Kevin Duffy Philzone, Dave Ranghelli, Peter Stark, Michael Saposnic, and Soupy Sales. Also thanks to: Cliff Mott, Kitty Kelly, OTB Annie, Hal Baum, Andy Ganzi, Jill Gaspar, Kevin OKeefe, Kevin Gallagan, Keith Arrington, Kenny Taylor, Ron Fowler, Jack Roberts, Brad Gansberg, Luke Ratray, Paul Hovis and Deb Rascoe Hovis, Genji Ridley, John Earl Stevens, Mark Thalmayr, Steve Love, Todd Little Todd Engle, Tom Two Shoes Schmid, Dave Fogelman, Craig Magee, George Egan, John Littlefield, Jay Bayala, Kent Bearden, Bill and Anna Simmons, Christine Chagnon, Tom and Carol Constantin, Roxanne Ricker, Dave Nichols, Kelly Melson, Tim and Flo Stella, Kurt Coble, Nadine Link, Stagehand Scott, Bill at N.B.C., Sam from Houston, Jane from Charlotte, N.C., Kathleen, Frank from England, John from Lake Placid, Ron from England, Jim and Gloria from Scotland, Larry from Seattle, Joe from Croton, N.Y., Ronny McWilliams at Victory Caf, Carol-Anne at Rathbones Pub, Hugh at OLunneys Pub, Jimmy Glenn at Jimmys Corner, Danno at Matts Grill, Carmines in the theater district and on the upper west side, Michael Ronis at Virgils Real BBQ, and to everyone who told me a joke! Thank you all! Whats the difference between God and a bartender? God never wanted to be a bartender. ANTHONY, A BARTENDER

B ob Hope once said that there are only four jokes, but I dont know what they are. I do know that every joke ends up being someones misfortune, but we laugh anyway. The proverbial banana peel.

The dictionary says that a joke is an amusing story, especially one with a punch line. Someone is usually a punch line. Someones misfortune. Someone always gets it in the end. One mans adversity is another mans joke. And we laugh.

How old are jokes, anyway? Well, since time began, probably. Adam might have had a joke or two, then Eve came along and she certainly had some jokes for, or about, Adam. Maybe thats where all the size jokes started. Since I can remember, there have been God jokes, God and Moses jokes, Jesus jokes, Jesus and Moses jokes, and so on. Were Jesus and his disciples telling jokes at the Last Supper? Hey Jesus, did you hear the one about. says Paul.

Were the Egyptians telling jokes as they wrapped King Tut? The Jews had to be telling jokes as they wandered around the desert for forty years. What else did they have to talk about? Hey Irving, did you see that interesting rock about five miles back? The first recollection of humor, I suppose, was during medieval times. The court jester. He was there to entertain, to make the king laugh, probably to save his own neck. And all this evolved to burlesque, to Vaudeville, to Bob Hope et al.and those four jokes. I found out at a young age that jokes were the great equalizer.

Ive avoided a lot of fights by telling jokes. I felt like the court jester, saving my own neck and my nose. One summer a few years ago, as I was wandering around the desert called Connecticut, on my way to Massachusetts, the Promised Land (because my parents promised me I could swim in their pool!), I had an idea. How many jokes do I know? As I lounged around the pool, steno pad and pen in hand, with Mom waiting on me hand and foot and Dad wondering when I was going back to New York, I wrote down, off the top of my head, mostly punch lines, close to a hundred jokes. Thats when I started collecting. I would ask anyone I met for a joke, usually getting I heard a great one yesterday but I cant remember it in reply.

So, instead of asking for jokes, I would tell a few, like I always do anyway, and that usually started the ball rolling A joke begets a joke begets a joke. Now I have a major collection for you to enjoy. Thrill your neighbors, impress your friends, and remember the lecture-circuit credo: Always open with a joke. A n old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, Whats wrong? The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, I married a beautiful woman two days ago. Shes a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are you crying? The old man looks at the bartender and says,