Chris Matheson - The Story of God: A Biblical Comedy About Love (And Hate)

Part Kurt Vonnegut, part Douglas Adams, but lets be honest, Matheson had me at Based on the Bible.

Dana Gould, comedian and former writer and producer for The Simpsons

It isnt easy being God, as this book makes quite clear. Its a full-time job and any screwups can haunt you for an eternity. What Life of Brian did for Jesus, The Story of God may do for the Father or the Son, or the Holy Ghost It humanizes the poor guy, which, after all, is appropriate since he was created in the image of man.

Lawrence M. Krauss, director of the Origins Project at Arizona State University and author of The Physics of Star Trek and A Universe from Nothing

Matheson punctures the pretensions of organized religion with unremitting hilarity.

Jerry Coyne, author of Why Evolution Is True and Faith versus Fact: Why Science and Religion Are Incompatible

Half the people who read this book will laugh out loud, certain Chris Matheson is a twisted comic genius; the other half will laugh silently, equally certain that Chris will spend eternity writhing in hell.

Ed Solomon, screenwriter of Men in Black

The Story of God is an original, funny, and devastating book.

Jay Phelan, coauthor of Mean Genes

If there is a God who wrote the Bible, when he reads this hes going to wonder why his editors didnt point out all the problems in his text before publication. Brilliant and irreverent.

Michael Shermer, publisher of Skeptic magazine, monthly columnist for Scientific American, author of The Moral Arc

At times the story Matheson tells of God is not just funny, but laugh out loud funny. Its thought provoking too. I loved it!

John W. Loftus, author of Why I Became an Atheist and The Outsider Test for Faith

This is the version of the bible Gutenberg should have printed. Only difference is, its much more fun. Hilarious. Irreverent. Timeless.

Peter Boghossian, author of A Manual for Creating Atheists

Pitchstone Publishing

Durham, North Carolina

www.pitchstonepublishing.com

Copyright 2015 by Chris Matheson

All rights reserved

Printed in the USA

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Matheson, Chris.

The story of God : a biblical comedy about love (and hate) / Chris Matheson.

pages ; cm

ISBN 978-1-63431-024-6 (hardcover)

1. GodAttributesFiction. I. Title.

PS3613.A8262S76 2015

813.6dc23

2015015018

To S

Based on a true story the Bible

Gen.Genesis

Ex.Exodus

Lev.Leviticus

Num.Numbers

Deut.Deuteronomy

Josh.Joshua

Jud.Judges

1 K.I Kings

2 K.II Kings

1 Sam.I Samuel

2 Sam.II Samuel

Isa.Isaiah

Jere.Jeremiah

Ezek.Ezekiel

Mal.Malachi

Hos.Hosea

Mic.Micah

Jon.Jonah

Prov.Proverbs

SongSong of Songs

Ecc. - Ecclesiastes

JobBook Of Job

Mat.Matthew

Mar.Mark

Lu.Luke

Jo.John

Ac.Acts

Ephes.Ephesians

Rom.Romans

Gal.Galatians

Esd.Esdras

Rev.Revelations

(Thom.Thomas; apocryphal)

God sits by himself, alone in the darkness. How long has he been there? It feels like forever. Has it been forever? How did he get here? Who put him here? Did he put himself here? When did he do that? Around him: Nothing. A void, no light. Just him, sitting there in the darkness. Was he sitting? Standing? What was he? Wait Was he even alone? What was that sound? Peering down, in the darkness, he realized something.

Underneath him was water; (Gen. 1:2) cold, empty, utterly lifeless. It was creepy. Where had it come from? Did he make it, then forget about it? Did he not make it? And if he didntthen who did? He had to have made ityet he couldnt remember doing so. But if he had created water (as of course he had), then why had he created only that much reality and no more? Why had he been sitting there in the darkness, above the water, basically forever? He didnt know whyhe just sort of had. But now, for whatever reason, God had a thought: He wanted to see.

How would he do it? God tried clapping his hands. Nothing happened. He tried clearing his throat loudly, then closing his eyes tightly and reopening them. Nothing worked. Was he stuck here forever, sitting in the darkness with the lightless water swirling beneath him and absolutely nothing to do? It sounded horrible, hellish, as he would later say.

God had an idea.

He would speak aloud what he wished for. He had never spoken before. He thought about what he wanted to say. Light, please? No, it seemed weak, lacking in gravitas. Turn on the lights? Stronger perhaps, but who would he be making this demand of? I want light. Too childlike.

God sat in the darkness for another chunk of time. How long? He didnt know; time didnt exist yet. Then it hit him. He was sitting slumped, head in hands, listening to the water below, staring at the inky blackness around him through his fingers, when he suddenly knew exactly what to say.

Let there be light, he called out.

And there was. (Gen. 1:3)

God was delighted. He could do this, he could make things happen, create whatever reality he felt like. It was an extraordinary moment for him. An unwanted thought crossed Gods mind: Was someone already there who responded to my command? Impossible, he was God, he was alone.

I was obviously talking to myself, commanding myself to make light, that makes perfect sense! God told himself.

Now that there was light, God could look around. Not muchkind of a big nothingness, in fact. A void, essentially, except for the water below and, well him. He had felt himself before in the darkness, but had never seen himself. Now he did. He had two strong legs, a muscular torso, lean arms. He felt his faceeyes, nose, mouth, ears, hair. Had he made himself this way, created himselfor had he somehow always been this? He didnt know. If he had created himself, he couldnt remember doing sobut he must have. Because if he hadnt, then who had? It was an unsettling question; he didnt want to think about it.

Another unsettling thing: The penis that dangled between his legs. What was that doing there? It was ugly, God thought. There is no way he would have chosen thatit looked monstrous to him. He touched it. It reacted. He scowled and yanked his mighty hand away. This thing was an abomination, he decided. Fascinating in a way perhaps, but badstirring certain feelings that seemed somehow wicked. And those hanging, droopy testicles below it? Hideous. (God had not discovered his backside yet. When he did, he was not happy.)

Without even speaking, God thought, I must be covered, and instantly a white robe draped over him, covering his body and hiding the offensive parts. There, that was better. He could move on. He thought for a long time about what to do next, then spoke aloud again. Let there be sky, he commanded, because as far as he could tell, the water below him was just sort of floating in space and he didnt like that. (Gen. 1:8) Next, God commanded land. He needed to be able to walk around, use his powerful legs, not just sit up in the sky. Land was necessary. And there it was. (Gen. 1:9)