Moore Melissa G - Shattered Silence: The Untold Story of a Serial Killers Daughter

Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

Elie Wiesel

I am no stranger to terrifyingly dark nights. I know what lingering despair and isolation can do to the human soul. My story, however, is not about darkness, but about discovering my light and divinity in the midst of utter darknessof realizing that despite the horrors of my childhood and the circumstances thrust upon me, I had choices.

As chaos and crises erupted all around me, I carefully watched and experimented with choices of my own. Eventually I realized that I could either choose to continue the unhealthy traditions of my family, or I could choose to break the chains. One step at a time, one choice at a time, I consciously began to create something newsomething healthier... Despite this shift, however, hidden deep inside where no one could seewhere I wouldnt let anyone seea sinister black hole lurked. It refused to be filled, no matter what I did. Food didnt fill it. Material goods couldnt touch it. Relationships and religion sometimes shifted my focus, but eventually that raw, nagging darkness would intrude unbearably into everyday life. Like black holes in space that suck energy from the surrounding universe, my life was being robbed of joy and passion from within my own self.

Then quite suddenly, before I could prepare myself, before I was ready or even wanted to be, my seven-year-old daughter, Aspen, ignored the nails, locks, and buttresses of my secrecy. She asked an innocent question, expecting an honest answer.

Mommy, where is your daddy? my daughter asked, her eyes full of open curiosity. Everybody has a daddy. You have to have a daddy, too, dont you?

Aspens questioning brought me literally to my knees. This was the child I reassured every night that there was no such thing as monsters. How was I supposed to tell her that some monsters were real? How was I supposed to tell her about her grandfather?

Your grandfather is a serial murderer. He is locked away in prison for the rest of his life because of the atrocities he has committed...

Being honest with Aspen would mean facing what the world considered a demon. It would also mean that I would have to face the demons within my own self. To choose changetrue, honest changemeant bringing light into all of my dark places, including that seemingly unfathomable black hole within me.

I did not reveal anything to Aspen that day about her grandfather, but my mind couldnt stop racing. Should I let her grandfather be a part of her life? As a person of faith, wasnt I supposed to believe that the human soul could change? Did I give him that chance? Or were there inherent dangers lurkingthe ones I had been furiously trying to protect her from?

I felt I had no clearly defined answers. I couldnt find a single book on the subject. The few people I entrusted with my inner battle seemed as bewildered as I was. This is a question that has faced millions of peoplethe skeleton in the family closetand even after a millennium of human experience, most of the time, the issue is not spoken of openly. Shame and humiliation win out, and the deadly silence continues.

You are only as sick as your secrets...

Id had enough of the sickness, the secret-keeping, the blame, and my racing mind. I got on the internet and wrote a letter. As I pressed send, I knew I was changing my life forever, and maybe that of many others. Magically, some of the darkness within me began to lift...

That one act has created a huge ripple, for I have learned that we are all connected. I am never alone. Not one of us is every really alone. And now I know I am in the perfect place at the perfect time, telling my story to those who have been searching for answers within the dark crevasses of their own souls. I know that I am bringing light into that darkness. I know that I am literally breaking the chains of horror, secrecy, and devastation, for I am a child of Light.

1. Elie Wiesel, Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech given on December 10, 1986, accessed July 6, 2015, http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1986/wiesel-acceptance_en.html.
   
2. Alcoholics Anonymous, quoted in Alex Lickerman The Danger of Keeping Secrets, Psychology Today, last modified September 30, 2012, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201209/the-danger-keeping-secrets.
   

T here are many individuals that became a living moral compass to me through my journey and to whom I owe many thanks and gratitude. Each one of these people has chiseled into my character a new personal trait and an increased drive toward integrity.

First to my mother, who has shown me to think outside of myself to find happiness and purpose. To my sister, Carrieyou taught me to laugh through pain and to look for the comedy in tragedy. And to my brother, Jason, who has demonstrated through his actions how to face fear head-on and defend the defenseless.

To my husband, Samuel, and my children, I am so grateful to you for being my inspiration to create a new way of living, one that will transform the future of our family tree. I will strive to be an example in your lives and hopefully show you how to stand up for your beliefs and personal rights.

To M. Bridget Cook-Burch, whose dedication to learning about my past and helping me to get everything down on paper will never be forgotten. Thank you for being a source of comfort as I explored painful memories.

Tania M., you will always be as family to me. I believe that God sent you to be my companion as I trudged through horrific ordeals. Thank you for growing up with me.

To Cedar Fort, Inc.: Lyle Mortimer, Lynnae Allred, Heidi Doxey, Heather Holm, and Nicole Williams for believing in my story before it was even fully heard. Your dedication will surely change the hearts of so many young women, children, and families suffering silently from abuse and violence.

My gratitude extends to Dr. Phil McGraw for providing me the opportunity to open my eyes to a new perspective.

Many thanks to AE Network, Laura Fleury, Jennifer Wagman, Jana Bennett, and Morningstar Productions for providing me the opportunity to meet families around the nation who are recovering from the effects of violence. Im in gratitude to the talented crew: Andrea Rothstein, Jared Cowan, Michael Ojeda, Patrizha Cuyong, and Carolyn Miller, who journeyed with me to tell their remarkable stories.