Earnie Larsen - Earnie Larsen: His Last Steps

acknowledgments

I wish to acknowledge the valuable assistance of the Hazelden Foundation and Nick Motu, publisher, for accepting and trusting me to deliver this manuscript even though Earnie had passed. Thanks also to Hazeldens executive editorial director, Sid Farrar, who said, This will be a labor of love, and to my sister, Ellen, who helped me edit the pages, but more importantly, encouraged me through each page. This felt like a long process but one I very much wanted to do. Finally, Id like to thank Jody Klescewski from Hazelden for all her help and support, and April Ebb.

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Round 1

Let People Love You

October 4, 2010

Dear family/friends/loved ones/team,

You are all of those, and more.

I want to fill you in on how I am and what is happening with me. Actually, it is pretty cool in some ways.

All my life people have told mewell, at least for the past forty-plus yearsYouve got to let people love you. You need to learn to receive. You need to just stand still and be one with God.

Of course it made sense. I know and knew that loving someone but not being able to accept his or her love in return was like driving on half a wheel. Loving is good, but it is not better than allowing myself to be loved. Both are critical for the wheel to be whole. Johnny McAndrew and I made a whole CD called The Promise on just that point.

I didnt really know how to do the let yourself be loved part. What I did know was, when God sent someone across my path who felt less than, unloved, unimportant, it was my job to jump in and go get them. When God said, Lets go, I knew how to say, Okay, just show me where you want me to go.

As a result, Ive had a front-row seat at some of the most amazing miracles imaginable. I would have hated to miss even one of them. I saw the power of love (which to me is the power of God) do the impossible. Ive seen the dead man Lazarus come out of the tomb full of life and grace a million times. But somewhere along the line I missed the understanding that I, too, am Lazarus. And my God would heal me as soon as He healed those He sent across my path.

The first few days after I got the cancer card, I couldnt believe it; it seemed totally unreal. I didnt get knocked off my square so much as knocked down on my square. Everything was heavy, dark, and depressing.

Then last Tuesdayin that creepy, amazing way spiritual things always seem to happenmy inner voice spoke to me. It told me to get up, reach out, make contact, and stay not just connected but super-connected. So I decided to go over to the Sally (Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center) and see my guys for lunch. I wanted them to see that I didnt look like some Halloween monster on his last legs. We had a wonderful time! So much love and concern. So much power!

There has been so much love from all the emails, calls, cards, and even flowers. Each was and is like some kind of spiritual doorbell ringing and saying, Open up. Let us in. We are here for you. Each morning, Paula hands me the newest batch of emails to read. They are like looking outside and seeing sunshine and flowers.

I had also called my pastor, Johnny Hunter, and asked if Paula and I could drop over for the Tuesday night Bible study/prayer group and get some really good laying on of hands. Being there felt like sitting in the middle of a huge whirlpoolall that faith, love, and community pouring in and over me (and Paula as well) in abundant measure.

What I came away with was an overwhelming sense that no matter what happens, I am and will be okay. And so will everyone else. Somehow on that deep level where things really matter, I had a sense that the Father had scooped me up, like in the famous poem Footprints in the Sand, and if I was in my Fathers arms, outcomes didnt matter. I was safe and would be fine no matter what happened. And when our okayness doesnt depend on specific outcomes, but rather on who is holding us, we are safe beyond any power that could destroy us.

After the prayer service, I was talking to Sid, Newsome, and Ernie outside. I asked them if Jonathon had gotten into treatment. Had anyone seen Wardell? Had Bobby surfaced since getting out of prison? They all told me to stop worrying about them. They said they would take care of the guys in the wind (out in the cold/on the streets). What I needed to do was focus on myself and take care of me. Its true. And I am in a place where that lesson is actually sinking in.

Yes, Im listening to the doctors. Yes, I am doing everything they say. Yes, I am doing everything I know how to do to move through this cancer thing as best I can. But I want you all to know there is also something far more powerful at play in me. Whatever happens, Ill be okay. And so will you.

Im fine. I feel good. I dont look like a Halloween monster on its last legs. I may very well have many years of life on earth left. I hope so. But the important (and new) element is that I am okay no matter what happens. And so are you. Father has us all in His loving arms. If Father has us, nothing can harm usno matter what happens.

Love to you all. (Im thinking of entering a seniors boxing tournament next month.)

Earnie

{PAULA} Some people took him seriously about this last comment on the seniors boxing tournament. He got a big kick out of that.

Now back to the beginning. No one could really tell us when the cancer started. That summer we had planned to regularly walk the lakes, but in hindsight we realized we hadnt done much of that. We had always loved combining a walk around the lakes with getting some exercise. Back in 2005, when our two daughters and I were preparing for the sixty-mile-long Susan G. Komen breast cancer walk, Earnie and I would walk three times a week, and this usually included going around the lakes twice during that week. He often said he loved the preparations we did for me to do that walk. Connecting and spending time together was so important to both of us.

Then in August, Earnie started to look pale, but when you live with someone, change doesnt always seem so obvious. We went up to Breezy Point (in northern Minnesota), a traditional summer trip for our family using our time-share week.

Although Earnie had had a complete physical exam back in July, toward the end of September he said, If I dont feel more energetic by next week, Im calling my doctor. Great! I replied. So that Monday he called, and on Tuesday we went in to have his blood drawn. On Wednesday, September 29, his doctor called to tell us that he wanted to hospitalize Earnie so that Earnie could receive a couple of pints of blood. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7, when it should have been in the teens. September 29 was our thirty-first anniversary, but instead of doing something fun that day, we went to the hospital. We waited and waited for the blood, or so it seemed. At about 5:00 p.m., they gave him blood and then began the prep for the tests scheduled for the next day. On Friday afternoon, his doctor who was assigned to him at the hospital called me out into the hall to show me the results of Earnies tests: He had found pancreatic cancer. He decided a specialist should explain everything and answer our questions, which is why he didnt tell us the news in Earnies room. When I went back into the room, I decided to tell Earnie the news myself, since secrets arent good.