Parker Posey - You’re on an Airplane: A Self-Mythologizing Memoir

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Copyright 2018 by Parker Posey

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Part I

Youre on an Airplane

Hi, I have the window seat. How very kind, thank you; chivalry is not dead but Ill just squeeze by. Thats okay, Ill just smush them both under the seat and once were in the air Ill take one out and use it as an ottoman. I sit cross-legged so Gracie can be on my lap once were off, but thank you. She is, actually. My boyfriend at the time, Ryan, his grandmother had just died and theyd watch the Burns and Allen show together when he was a kid. I wanted a name that could evoke a quality because I knew Id be repeating it. I didnt want to name her Snickers or something. Something! Come here!

I sat next to a dog and its owner at the Union Square dog run once, and the dog had on a collar that spelled BOW WOW in separated silver lettering that slid and turned and the bow part was under the dogs neck. I said to the owner, I cant believe you named your dog Mom, and he was like, It spells bow wow. I told him that I was joking and then it got awkward, because he seemed to be sad or depressed. These are strange times; maybe naming your dog Mom isnt so odd. It seems like everyone is feeling lonely, in some wayleft out.

Im working on a book, actually. Its about me. Its okay, Gracie. Shes on a doggie downer. Shell be okay once the plane takes off and the slamming doors stop. They bang no matter how you close them, like they were made to slam. Yeah, I like those movies, too. Best in Shows a classic. Youll hear more about it. Yes, shes an emotional support dog, so she can be in my lap. I have the papers in the seat flap in front of me, if you need me to reach down there to get them. Seltzer with ice, please. No, Im good, no lime; dont bother.

It used to be so different, flying.

Yes, a book! I realized it was time. There were stories to share that my friends were entertained by, so I thought, you know, tell them. Theres also a literary agent who lives in my neighborhood, whose partner art-directed Party Girl. I started feeling guilty when Id see him, because hed say, I know theres a book in you. So I went into a sort of labor and produced a sort of baby, where instead of being human its a bound object made of paper called pages with words on it. You bring it to life and make it talk. Just dont leave it alone for too long or it will start crying.

Can you hear Gracie snoring? Her little body vibrates when she does. I use my Southern accent when I talk to Gracie because shes just too sweet. Being number one on the tarmac is so winning and such an honor, so thrilling. I got interested in acting because I was born into itborn into turbulence. Its kind of simple: Im a character actor because I come from a family of characters. When people ask if anyone in my family is an actor, I say all of them. Theyre performative people. Theyll star somewhat in this, in the way Mother and Father star in our lives, constantlyas constant as the northern starbut Ill take the lead.

When my dad and I fought, hed send me to my room to write him a letter. He wasnt good at expressing his feelings when he was angry, he was better at letter writing, and since he was an adult and I was just a child, he won. He was passionate and knew how to pull heartstrings. Wed joke in our family that he was the puppeteer and hed splay his hand wide, moving it slowly from side to side, controlling the strings.

Well be in the air soon and closer to the real stars, which make the constellations, which branched the first stories from the heavens.

My book is called Youre on an Airplane. Its a memoir pronounced with the emphasis on me.

Flying can be nice, once youre in the air. Dont you wish we could be here forever and never have to land?