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English Teacher X - Vodkaberg: Nine Years in Russia

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English Teacher X Vodkaberg: Nine Years in Russia

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VODKABERG

NINE YEARS IN RUSSIA Copyright 2012 by English Teacher X All rights - photo 1

NINE YEARS IN RUSSIA

Copyright 2012 by English Teacher X

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address below.

For further information please contact the author at

Visit the author at www.englishteacherx.com

Twitter: @englishteacherx

Facebook: www.facebook.com/englishteacherx

Also by English Teacher X, now available on Amazon and CreateSpace :

Memoirs

TO TRAVEL HOPELESSLY

VODKABERG: NINE YEARS IN RUSSIA

REQUIEM FOR A VAGABOND: MIDDLE AGED IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Guides

GUIDE TO TEACHING ENGLISH ABROAD

SPEAKING ACTIVITIES THAT DONT SUCK

HOW TO SURVIVE LIVING ABROAD

GRAMMAR SLAMMER

Comic Collections

DOOFUS AND VALIANT

WERE PRETTY PATHETIC, ARENT WE? DISGUSTING BAR CONVERSATIONS AND MORE

COMPLETE COLLECTED COMICS

The following is a true story so far as I remember it, anyway.

VODKABERG: NINE YEARS IN RUSSIA

A memoir by English Teacher X


TABLE OF CONTENTS


"I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest.

Winston Churchill

"The difficulty in understanding the Russian is that we do not take cognizance of the fact that he is not a European, but an Asiatic, and therefore thinks deviously. We can no more understand a Russian than a Chinese or a Japanese, and from what I have seen of them, I have no particular desire to understand them except to ascertain how much lead or iron it takes to kill them. In addition to his other amiable characteristics, the Russian has no regard for human life and they are all out sons-of-bitches, barbarians, and chronic drunks."

General George S. Patton

I think if I had it to do over, I'd, maybe, be a lumberjack I'd have as little contact with modern society as possible. If I could have recognized fifteen years ago the poisonous consequences of modern life not only the physical things that are being done to us but the intellectual, spiritual, and poisoning we get I would have certainly withdrawn.

Serial killer Ted Bundy


PROLOGUE: WHY?

I saw my first Russian girl or at least the first one that made any impression on me in Istanbul in 1994.

I was doing an aimless year-long backpacking thing, and I was walking though the Blue Mosque. I saw an incredibly beautiful red-haired girl that kind of purple-red that comes out of a bottle, not the natural kind walk by, all fair skin and sharp cheekbones, jaunty walk and mischievous grin.

I followed her around for a while, but was too shy to try to talk to her. She was with her family, anyway. At one point she looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.

Now of course, I didn't know, at once, that she was Russian. The Commie Menace had only recently been put down. Seeing them abroad was still comparatively new. At least to me.

Finally, I heard her speaking to her family in a language I recognized as something Slavic, and I figured out she was Russian.

But that was it. Soon I lost her in the crowds.

I was talking about this with the owner of the cheap hotel I was staying at that evening that I'd seen a girl of such beauty my heart had dropped all over the slightly grubby prayer rugs at the Blue Mosque and he waved his hand dismissively.

"Ah," he said. "All Russian women are prostitutes."

I think that was the first time I ever considered going to Russia to work.

Was it always, and all, about the women?

I don't know. I grew up in America during the Reagan years, back when Russia was the Evil Empire. There was some residual interest in seeing the real thing.

I'd met and gone out with plenty of other Eastern European women over the years in between. Russia, though, somehow that seemed like the fountain of true mysterious female beauty.

And in fact when I left Prague in the summer of 2000 to go to Russia, I remember thinking that life would be quieter but probably more meaningful Russia was a country that desperately needed some help.

In retrospect, I'm not sure what I was expecting.

But as the saying goes: Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.


2000

Average GDP per capita in USD 7700 Average Male Life Expectancy 5899 - photo 2

Average GDP, per capita, in USD: $7,700

Average Male Life Expectancy : 58.99

Number of homicides: 31,200

Official Unemployment Rate: 10.5 percent

Average price of a barrel of oil, Russias main export, in January: approximately $25.21

Average exchange rate of Russian ruble to US dollar: 28.1

Gross National Income per capita, in dollars: $1,892

Price of a tram ride in Vodkaberg: 3 rubles

Authors Note: All statistics in yearly chapter breaks are compiled from the following sources:

Russian Federal Statistics Website, www.gks.ru/wps/wcm/connect/rosstat/rosstatsite.eng

Index Mundi, www.indexmundi.com

CIA The World Factbook, www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/rs.html

The World Bank, www.data.worldbank.org/country/russian-federation


EASTERN EUROPEAN VISA RUN

I vomited repeatedly and painfully into the filthy zinc-plated toilet, bracing myself precariously against the walls of the bathroom as the train bound for Moscow rocked and shuddered through the night.

So far, my experience in Russia wasnt going smoothly.

Id spent six weeks living in Desolationgrad, an industrial hellhole two hours from Vodkaberg, after being lured to Russia by employers who promised one thing and delivered another.

After numerous disagreements with them, Id been informed with three days notice that I needed to leave that job and the miserable dingy apartment they had provided me, and the country as well.

Fortunately, I had managed to find a job in nearby Vodkaberg. My new employers, Communication Chain, one of the largest franchise schools in Russia, proved to be my unlikely saviors.

I arrived in Vodkaberg during the first week of September, 2000.

Vodkaberg was a big step up from the cheerless grid of Soviet concrete-block buildings and horrible air pollution in Desolationgrad. A city of about a million people on the Volga River, Vodkaberg had old gingerbread wooden houses in the historic center and tree-lined streets. But it was still mostly decrepit and grey, ringed with abandoned factories and dotted with abandoned buildings.

My apartment was in a concrete-block building in an area full of them, but it was comfortable enough, in a central area near an outdoor market and a 20-minute walk from the enormous, beautiful riverside embankment, where seemingly the entire population of the city lounged about drinking beer and dancing on summer evenings, enjoying the view of the expansive Volga and the wilderness of the other side.

At the beginning of September, it was scorching hot.

A week later, you needed a jacket to go out in the evening.

Before I started work, I had to leave the country and get a proper working visa, as the one my former employers in Desolationgrad had gotten me was about to expire. This meant I had to go to Estonia on a visa run. The school translator took me to buy a train ticket to Moscow and then a plane ticket from Moscow to Tallinn, Estonia.

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