English Teacher X - How To Survive Living Abroad: An Expatriate Guide to Not Getting Robbed, Scammed, Jailed, or Killed

INTRODUCTION: LIFE AND HOW TO LIVE IT

Thirty or 40 years ago, and way on back to Bubonic Plague times, young people who wanted to get out into the world generally just went to the nearest large city, where Raw Unadulterated Life awaited them.

You know what was nice about that?

At least they could get home easily, when life smashed them in the fucking face, stole their money, and then stomped their head against the curb.

Now, thanks to the internet, we see young people who have no experience outside whatever bland prosperous suburb they grew up in suddenly deciding to jet off to Mongolia or Peru or Nigeria to have an Authentic Cultural Experience.

Naturally, inevitably, most of the time, it ends in tears.

Ah, but telling you not to do it is like telling little kids not to stick beans up their noses; it just makes you want to do it more.

In the last few years, especially, globalization has begotten in the previously prosperous Western countries quite a few indebted, demoralized, disenfranchised youth, who feel the best way to deal with their problems, like their immigrant forefathers in times of old, is to go abroad in search of the Promised Land.

As teaching English was one of the primary ways people go abroad and get jacked up, probably second only in job dissatisfaction to that of sex slaves and migrant fruit-pickers, I wrote a book attempting to lay bare the realities of that profession.

ENGLISH TEACHER X GUIDE TO TEACHING ABROAD

This has been received so well, that I feel I need to turn my jaundiced eye upon the whole idea of moving abroad.

WHO AM I?

I am now in my early 40s. I have not lived in America since 1998, when I lived in New York for approximately one year.

Before that, I had not lived in America since 1993.

I have spent most of the last 20 years abroad. I have lived in seven different cities in five different countries, excluding America.

In that time I have supported myself solely by teaching English to foreign students. I also visited dozens of other countries in that period.

Its been pretty jolly and all. But here are some things I HAVENT done:

I have never owned a car, a home, or the newest model of mobile phone.

I never earned more than $28,000 in one year, until I arrived in my current destination in the Middle East I now make about $50,000 per year; albeit that is tax free, with housing, insurance, and airfare included.

I have never worked more than 40 hours in one week. Well... maybe once or twice. But usually not more than 30.

I have never lived in a house, except when visiting my mother. I usually lived in rented rooms and small studio apartments. In fact, several times, I lived in accommodations where I had to share the bathroom, and occasionally lacked hot water.

Accordingly, I havent paid any bills other than rent each month. (And in the last few years, for internet and mobile phone usage.)

I havent paid any money into a pension fund or the American Social Security Fund since my year of working in New York in 1997 1998.

Until my most recent position, I never had a health insurance policy beyond what was available by way of free care to citizens and guest workers abroad.

I have had many foreign girlfriends, but have never been married, or lived with a woman for more than a couple of months.

What enables me to write a guide to survival abroad?

Nothing more than surviving abroad for most of my adult life. I make no claims to be a specialist in any of the issues addressed in this book, and I bear no responsibility for any decisions you make or actions you take based on this book.

So go abroad and get butt-fucked, and dont blame me for it.

IT MUST BE TRUE ITS ON THE INTERNET

Ah, back in the 90s, it was all about the backpacking.

Going abroad for six months or a year to travel around, maybe study a bit, and make yourself a well-rounded person by getting fucked up with other backpackers on cheap third-world beaches.

Hell, I did it plenty.

But now it seems there are more and more people who want to go abroad permanently.

Look on the internet now for information about moving abroad, and you will see scores of books and websites devoted to the wonders and joys of evacuating your Western homeland.

(This is mainly true regarding Britain and America, but I dont exempt Australians and Canadians.)

Abroad or so these sites would have you believe men are still men and women are still women! Health care is free and work is plentiful! The masses have not been enslaved by the evil corporations and their advertising and their reality TV shows, and people still LIVE rather than just rotting away in cubicles.

Now look more closely at those internet websites and see that they are mainly trying to sell you stuff.

Theyre trying to sell you membership to internet dating agencies, condominiums and real estate abroad, plane tickets, hotel reservations, visas...

And the books.

My god, theyre endless now, with the independent publishing options available.

How to quit the rat race. How to work abroad. How to work for four hours a week and support yourself abroad. How to pick up girls abroad. How to pick up girls while you work abroad. How to work four hours a week picking up girls. Ad infinitum.

Now obviously, this is something thats as old as commerce.

Give me a dollar and Ill tell you a foolproof way to make a dollar.

I think my next book will be HOW TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT LIVING ABROAD AND PICKING UP GIRLS.

Im not going to deal with any of these books or the claims in them, individually, and Im sure some of them have a lot of helpful information of one type or the other.