Joanne Vannicola - All We Knew But Couldn’t Say

Praise for All We Knew But Couldnt Say

What you need to know about All We Knew But Couldnt Say is how brilliantly Joanne Vannicola says what couldnt be said. She writes about mayhem and emotional violence with such precision that its like becoming mesmerized by a tornado moving directly towards you. Becoming an actor may have been Joanne Vannicolas first step in avoiding the path of destructive forces heading her way but its her writing that feels like a storm contained. This is a story you wont soon forget.

David Layton, award-winning author of Motion Sickness

Joanne Vannicola weaves a compelling narrative about hardship, survival, and resilience that reminds all of us about the enduring importance of forgiveness, family acceptance, and love.

Sarah Kate Ellis, president and CEO, GLAAD

Stark. Unflinchingly honest and filled with a type of determination that is seen in LGBTQ people who want more than just survival.

Roland Emmerich, director, producer

Joanne Vannicolas memoir is shocking, upsetting, and occasionally graphic, yet what sets it apart from other similar accounts is an underlying sense of optimism. Out of despair there has emerged a beautifully written account, where the author has not only come through the tribulations of her early life, but become a leading voice for the overlooked and the marginalized. I cannot recommend it enough.

Linda Riley, publisher, DIVA Magazine

In this moving memoir, Joanne Vannicola writes herself and so many of us who have experienced oppression and trauma onto the page. As a writer, I enjoyed her beautiful, well-paced, and evocative storytelling. As a therapist and survivor, I found myself pausing and nodding as she articulated so well her deep and layered understandings of trauma and marginalization. Throughout, I found myself rooting for and cheering on the young girl, actor, activist, and woman of this story.

Farzana Doctor, author

This frank, sometimes harrowing, always inspiring memoir should be mandatory reading for all for those afraid of being true to themselves or anyone who needs a hero that demonstrates what personal courage and determination can do. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK!

Colin Mochrie, actor, comedian

I am completely gutted by reading Joannes beautifully penned heart-wrenching memoir.... Raw, unflinching, brave, and important, it makes me grateful to know that a voice with this power and honesty is sharing her truth with us all.

Cynthia Dale, actor

From her abusive parents and a harrowingly self-destructive adolescence to against-all-odds success as a performer, we anxiously cheer on that spark of joy in Joanne that not only refuses to be snuffed but flourishes to awareness and grace. I tore through this book in a fury, astounded by her resilience and inspired by her unerring belief in the power of love.

Wendy Crewson, actor

A story fit for this time and the landscape of our culture, incredibly raw, moving, and honest. Joanne has survived so much and come out triumphant. A book worth reading.

Denys Arcand, Oscar-winning director

Joanne writes the way she lives, with heart and hope and honesty. A must read.

Helen Shaver, actor

Copyright Joanne Vannicola, 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise (except for brief passages for purpose of review) without the prior permission of Dundurn Press. Permission to photocopy should be requested from Access Copyright.

Cover images: Composite by David Drummond. House: istock.com/jenysarwar; Sky: istock.com/Jasmina007; Girl: Shutterstock.com/MariaRoldanPazos
Printer: Webcom, a division of Marquis Book Printing Inc.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Title: All we knew but couldnt say / Joanne Vannicola.
Other titles: All we knew but could not say
Names: Vannicola, Joanne, 1968- author.
Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20190075805 | Canadiana (ebook) 20190075961 | ISBN 9781459744226 (softcover) | ISBN 9781459744233 (PDF) | ISBN 9781459744240 (EPUB)
Subjects: LCSH: Vannicola, Joanne, 1968- | LCSH: Television actors and actressesCanadaBiography. | LCSH: Motion picture actors and actressesCanadaBiography. | LCSH: Mothers and daughtersCanadaBiography. | LCGFT: Autobiographies.
Classification: LCC PN2308.V36 A3 2019 | DDC 791.4502/8092dc23

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We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts, which last year invested $153 million to bring the arts to Canadians throughout the country, and the Ontario Arts Council for our publishing program. We also acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Ontario, through the Ontario Book Publishing Tax Credit and Ontario Creates, and the Government of Canada.

Nous remercions le Conseil des arts du Canada de son soutien. Lan dernier, le Conseil a investi 153 millions de dollars pour mettre de lart dans la vie des Canadiennes et des Canadiens de tout le pays.

Care has been taken to trace the ownership of copyright material used in this book. The author and the publisher welcome any information enabling them to rectify any references or credits in subsequent editions.

The publisher is not responsible for websites or their content unless they are owned by the publisher.

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For my siblings.

In memory of Steffin Light and baby Joshua.

For anyone who has ever been hurt or marginalized, has
suffered violence, or has felt like they dont belong, and for
all survivors of child abuse or systemic violence. This book is
also for all women and LGBTQ2+ people who need an ally
and who need to see themselves in the stories they consume.

2002 Princess Margaret Hospital

I NEVER KNOW what condition shell be in when I arrive at the hospital if shell be lucid, rambling, awake, sleeping, in an altered state, or maybe even gone. Dead.

I wait, though, finishing my cigarette outside, squatting on the ground. My fingertips yellowed with nicotine. The skin chewed. The sky scattered and uncertain as if the spring sun might disappear and a storm might crash in. I exhale and stroke an exposed patch of grass as if it were the fur of a sleeping cat.

Are you okay? asks a woman.

I squint, shield my eyes, and look up from her stiletto heels to her bold red lips. Everything perfect and in place.