Brett Douglas - American Drug Addict: A Memoir

ALSO BY BRETT DOUGLAS

Celebrity Autopsy Photos

(and other things I find amusing)

American Drug Addict

a memoir

Brett Douglas

TCA Books, LLC

Copyright 2017 by Brett Douglas / TCA Books, LLC

Cover photography by Paul Price-Williams

Cover design by TCA Books, LLC

Cover design copyright 2017 by TCA Books, LLC

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or any portions thereof in any form whatsoever, other than for review purposes.

All lyrics used with permission.

Condemnation by Martin Gore. Performed by Depeche Mode. Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Asleep by Steven Morrissey, Johnny Marr. Performed by The Smiths. Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group

All the Time by Barry Manilow, Martin Panzer. Performed by Barry Manilow. Universal Music Publishing Group

Religious Vomit by Carlos Cadona, Darren Henley, Eric Reed Boucher, Geoffrey Lyall, Raymond John Pepperelle. Performed by The Dead Kennedys Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Stories of Old by Martin Gore. Performed by Depeche Mode. Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Down in a Rabbit Hole by Nick Zinner, Conor Oberst. Performed by Bright Eyes. Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Mr. Self-Destruct by Trent Reznor. Performed by Nine Inch Nails. Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

The Perfect Drug by Charles Clouser, Chris Alan Vrenna, Daniel Patrick Lohner, Trent Reznor. Performed by Nine Inch Nails. Universal Music Publishing Group

The Speed of Pain by Brian Hugh Warner, Manson Marilyn, Ramirez Twiggy, Jeordie White. Performed by Marilyn Manson. Peermusic Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group

Even Deeper by Daniel Lohner, Trent Reznor. Performed by Nine Inch Nails. Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Comfortably Numb by David Jon Gilmour, Roger Waters. Performed by Pink Floyd Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management US, LLC, Imagem Music Inc

My Evil Twin by John Flansburgh, John Linnell. Performed by They Might Be Giants. Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

The Line Begins to Blur by Trent Reznor. Performed by Nine Inch Nails. Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Clean by Martin Gore. Performed by Depeche Mode. Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Note to Self by Neil Hannon. Performed by The Divine Comedy. Universal Music Publishing Group

Manufactured in the United States

ISBN-13: 978-1544849454

ISBN-10: 1544849451

www.brettdouglasauthor.com

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank the following people:

My mom, Joan, for believing in me when I didnt believe in myself. I truly have the nicest mom.

My children, Devin and Jordan, for giving me the opportunity to be the father you both deserve.

My girlfriend, Barbie, for loving and supporting me despite my faults.

My sponsor, Chris, for providing a good portion of the wisdom found in this book.

My former sponsors, Mike and Don, for putting up with my bullshit for many years.

My homegroup, Courage at Noon, for the aforementioned reason.

The Panhandle Writing Group for teaching me the craft and tolerating my course language.

Micca and Jimmy for letting me take up space in your restaurant. Please dont ban me.

And finally, Bill W, Dr. Bob, and the organization of Alcoholics Anonymous without which I would have never found recovery.

American Drug Addict

a memoir

The story you are about to read is true. None of the events have been fabricated. If you happen to be one of the people mentioned in this book and have a problem with what Ive written, do not contact me and complain. Write your own damn book.

Condemnation

by

Depeche Mode

Condemnation
Tried
Here on the stand
With a book in my hand
And truth on my side

Accusations
Lies
Hand me my sentence
I'll show no repentance
I'll suffer with pride

If for honesty
You want apologies
I don't sympathize
If for kindness
You substitute blindness,
Please open your eyes

Condemnation
Why
Because my duty
Was always to beauty
And that was my crime

Feel elation
High
To know I can trust this

Fix of injustice

Time after time

If you see purity as immaturity

Well, its no surprise

If for kindness
You substitute blindness,
Please open your eyes

Sanity had returned. As I stirred from my slumber, I slowly scanned my surroundings. I was lying on a concrete bed located in the back of a cell. An impenetrable, metal door adorned one wall, the only means of leaving the room. It was locked from the outside. The cell was barren, except for a stainless-steel toilet and sink in the corner. The lack of windows made gauging time impossible.

I looked down at my body. It was covered with a thin, paper smock. My feet were bare. The temperature felt like a walk-in freezer, causing me to shiver and ball up in a fetal position. A wound on my neck throbbed, covered with what felt like tape. The cause of the injury was no mystery; I had cut my own throat.

I stretched my legs out on my cement bed. My mind was blank, a mental rest from the storm I had just emerged from. Lying on my back, I studied the concrete ceiling while waiting for a thought to move to the forefront of my mind. What the fuck am I doing? I remained motionless for some time, then turned my head toward the cinder block wall next to me. All places like this are constructed with these types of blocks and painted with a lifeless, sterile shade of white. I placed my hand on it. I put this wall here.

After fixating on my hand for a while, the next thought rushed forward. It was the most compelling one. I need to write this down.

By the way, my name is Brett. Im a drug addict. That sounds bad, and ultimately, it is bad. If the very first time I used drugs my entire life disintegrated, all the people I loved disappeared, all my possessions were discarded, and I stared Death in the face, I would have nothing to write about. My drug use would have stopped there.

Although drug addiction is bad, drugs are great. I love getting high. Drugs are the only thing in life I always want. I cant even say that about sex. Ive never laid my head on a pillow at night and thought, Damn, I forgot to get high today . I may have forgotten to pay a bill or show up for some important appointment. I have never forgotten to get high.

Drugs are my best friend. I can always count on them to make me feel better. Drugs cure whats ailing me and ease my discomfort and anxiety. I choose drugs over human companionship every time.

I love the process of acquiring drugs; the shady characters, the dangerous situations, the clandestine meetings in sleazy motel rooms, parking lots, or public bathrooms. I love the thrill of breaking the law and thumbing my nose at the police.

I love the process of doing drugs; the equipment which must be procured, the meticulous ritual of preparing them, the methodical steps taken to create the perfect buzz, and the search for a private but perilous location to do it.

I love the sneakiness required to pull off an awesome high without my exploits being discovered. I love fooling people, making them believe Im something Im not. The more audacious the deception; the more I get a thrill from it. I love the tension which comes from being intoxicated in situations which require sober thoughts and actions. I love toying with the risk of bringing the wrath of my loved ones down on me. I love having something thats mine, something I dont have to share, something about myself only I know. Drugs are like an illegal, exotic pet; I must nurture it but, at the same time, keep it hidden.

Drugs are my only true motivation; theyre my reward when life goes my way and my consolation prize when I experience failure. Drugs are the one thing I always look forward to when all other endeavors in life which once brought me joy align themselves in the mundane column.