Bianca Del Rio - Blame it on Bianca Del Rio: The Expert on Nothing with an Opinion on Everything

My favorite book. Id lend it to you when Im finished, but...

Most authors put a disclaimer right in the front of the book so the people reading it know that its a joke, written for laughs, and its legally protected satire, so they wont get sued.

But Im not most authors. Im an author trying to get an endorsement deal with a giant pharmaceutical company. So if you read this book and your blood pressure rises, and you develop headaches or hives or arrhythmia, or an ulcer or Crohns disease or goutnot only do I have zero liability for your condition, but I hope to make a lot of money finding a treatment.

Youre welcome!

Contents

Contents

BLAME IT ON BIANCA DEL RIO . Copyright 2018 by Bianca Del Rio. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Cover design by Lex Maudlin

Cover Photograph by Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza

FIRST EDITION

Digital Edition MAY 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-269088-3

Version 05032018

Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269087-6

To all of those people out there who desperately need my advice... but wont get it because:

1. Im just one woman.
2. Im out there trying to make a living, taping my dick to my ass and stuffing my balls in a dress so I can entertain people who cant entertain themselves.
3. I dont give a fuck.

Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza

Dr. Phil is a fat, loud blowhard with a Texas twang and male-pattern baldness. I wouldnt suck his dick for a million bucks. But it turns out hes worth $400 million, and for that amount of money Id wear his balls as earrings. Im hitting my knees as I type.

Lets get real: the odds of my hooking up with Dr. Phil are slim and curve to the left. But the odds of my making money giving advice like Dr. Phil are pretty good. Wait; I stand kneel corrected: I give better advice than Dr. Phil. Why? Because his advice is based on education and expertise and know-how, and my advice is based on nothing but years and years of insightful prying and corrosive gossip, thats why. I dont know if I can make $400 million, but I AM something of a household nameat least in the houses of gay men, fag hags, and parents who keep wondering why their teenage son, Billy, doesnt have a girlfriend yet seems to know a lot about contouringso I should do okay.

About a year ago, I began asking my audiences, my fans, and even my haters, all over the world, to send me questions theyd like the answers to, or problems theyd like solved. I cant tell you how many questions I got. I dont mean that metaphorically, I mean it literallyIm really, really bad at math, and my loyal serf assistant, Jamie, is equally useless at the counting thing. What I do know is that Ive gotten enough letters to write a book. Or two. Or three. Depending on whether or not you tell your friends, families, and fuckbuddies to buy this book, so it will turn a nifty profit, and my publisher will say, My God! Fuck Dr. Phil. Blame It on Bianca Del Rio is a literary gold mine. WE MUST, MUST, MUST HAVE A SEQUEL!!!

I know its not proper editorial form (whatever the fuck that is) to have a second Authors Note, but I was having cocktails when I wrote the first one and left this out. So...

I received six billion trillion letters, emails, and FB posts from people asking me for advice. (If that sounds like a lot, I assure you its true; Donald Trump told me that he heard this from people who told him that they read it somewhere.)

Needless to say, a lot of the questions I was asked were somewhat alike in nature, tone, and language. So when youre reading this hilarious book and think to yourself, OMG, thats MY letter!its not. Also, Ive changed a lot of the namesnot to protect the innocent but to protect me from the crazy bitches who will call and write and email over and over and over, saying, Oh, Bianca, thank you so much for using MY letter; I knew you liked me! Bitch, I didnt use YOUR letter; you just think I did, because youre a narcissist in desperate need of counseling or medication... in which case, dont forget to share.

I also got lots of emails and letters saying, I read a question just like that in Dear Abby, which tells me two things: 1. Youre old; Dear Abbys been dead for years, and 2. You need counseling; no healthy, sane person remembers random advice questions years later. Get some help.

FYI, there are A LOT of advice columnists all over the world (check out Ask Svetlana; that Siberian husky makes me howl, especially when she gives advice on diet and exercise. Poor things never been inside the Kremlinbecause she cant fit Also Abby, Ann Landers, Amy, the snotty queen in the Sunday New York Times, and my uncle Nunzio, who has both an opinion on everything and a cleft palate. He doesnt so much give advice as test your patience), and most of the questions we receive are similar. Theyre usually about romance (Im in love with a werewolf), sex (My werewolf boyfriend cums too quick), money (I think my caregiver is stealing my Medicare benefits), or family (My relatives are nice to my brothers kids but not mine; do you think its because theyre part werewolf?). So dont be shocked if some of the questions feel familiar; with the possible exceptions of me and Edward James Olmoss dermatologist, everyone in the world has the same fucking problems. So get over yourselves; youre not uniquein fact, youre probably a tad boring. And, like everything else, I say that in a kind, loving way.

Oh, its also entirely possible I just made this shit up. Love you all soooooo much! Muah.

Anyway, before I get into the meat and potatoes of the bookyour needy questions and my bitter, unqualified responsesI want to thank everyone who wrote in with questions. Without you, Im nothing. (Okay, thats not true. Without you, Im still fabulous and my career is still on the way up, up, up! What is true is that without you, it would have been much harder for Jamie ME to write this book.) So thank you for taking the time to share details from your pathetic personal lives with meand the world.

Shocking! Appalling! Horrifying! Her bags dont MATCH!

Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man ready for hospice care.

BIANCA DEL RIO

He said, Open wide. Old habits die hard.

Jovanni Jimenez-Pedraza

Im not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. In fact, other than the fact that I once blew an OB-GYN in a parking lot, I have no connections to health and well-being whatsoever. Yes, I go to a gym, and yes, I work out, but not for health reasons. I have to squeeze my ass and balls into a size-six muumuu, I cant afford to gain weight or itll cost me a fortune at Lane Bryant. I received quite a few questions on this subject, including a half-written letter from an anorexic, who ran out of energy and died when she tried to conjugate the verb