Lisa Schwartz - Thirty-Life Crisis: Surviving My Thirties, One Drunk Baby Shower at a Time

It was a hot summers night in the magical city of Hollywood and an even hotter summers night in the one-bedroom apartment of struggling actress Lisa Schwartz. This wasnt because the people inside were having heated, passionate sex, but because Lisa didnt want to pay for air-conditioning and would rather occasionally put her head in the freezer and her tits in the fridge. I watched her do this one night as I sat bottomless on the couch with a large ice cube wedged in at the top of my hairy ass crack. As I adjusted the towel underneath me to make sure I wasnt getting ice-poop-sweat drips on her couch, I thought to myself, Tonights the night. Im going to lose my virginity!

Me: Lisa? Are you almost numb in there?

Lisa: Yeah! Im just gonna grab a cold bottle of Titos to straddle. You want anything?

Drip.

Me: Maybe some more ice.

Drip. Drip.

Me: And another towel. Something earth toned.

Lisa sat down next to me with the hardest nipples I had ever seen. Even harder than mine when I found out TLC was rebooting Trading Spaces with all the original designers coming back! Neighbors switching houses and letting each other redecorate their living rooms?! Talk about drama with some roomspiration on the side! Im PINTERESTed! Youre probably thinking thats something a straight guy wouldnt watch and you would be right. But no spoilersIll let Lisa tell you more about that later in this book. Back to the hot summers night of 2012.

Me: When do you think youll get air-conditioning?

Lisa: When that thinner, younger version of me stops booking every fuckin commercial on TV.

Me: Who?

Lisa: Her names Amy. I saw it on the sign-in sheet. I hope she gets fat from all those yogurt commercials she books.

She shoved the cold bottle of Titos in between her legs and let out a grunt.

Lisa: I need to book something soon. The number in my bank accounts getting scarily close to the number on my scale, and I like to keep those far away from each other.

Me: You could always gain a thousand pounds!

She stared at me unamused. I dripped.

Lisa: I wonder if theyll bring back those Dove commercials where they have all the big ladies talk about how much they love their creases. I could pretend to love my creases too if I got residuals.

As Lisa rotated the thawed part of the Titos bottle away from her now purple vagina, I looked into her eyes and saw something she always seemed to have lingering in there: uncertainty. She was constantly battling voices inside her head that were screaming that she wasnt good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, or, most importantly, successful enough. It was something that would send me into a whirlwind of confusion because I didnt understand how somebody so beautiful, so talented, so hilarious, and, most importantly, so good could be so hard on themselves.

The first time I saw Lisa was a few years prior, and I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen in my entire nineteen years of life. We were total strangers, sitting across from each other in a seedy audition room in the slums of Hollywood. As she stared at her script, I stared at her face and couldnt stop thinking about how lucky she was to be so fucking beautiful. I thought about how all the other girls in the room were probably looking at her with spite and how the guy with the six-pack sitting next to me was probably going to be making out with her on set later, after they both inevitably got the job because, why wouldnt they? Now as I look back, I realize while I was thinking about how perfect she was, she was thinking about all the things she wished she could change about herself. Even to this day she doesnt realize how incredible she really is. But once again, no spoilers. Im sure she will give you lots of insight into what goes on inside her head later.

Me: Should we go to the bedroom?

Lisa: Im too hot to dry hump. Can we do it after my sweat crystalizes?

Me: Well I was thinking maybe

Lisa: What?

DRIP.

Me: Maybe we could try to

My heart started to race and I felt like I was going to pass out more than I already had in this $1,200-a-month walk-in oven.

Me: Not dry hump

Lisa slowly ripped the Titos from her inner thighs like a childs tongue off a frozen street pole. She placed it on the coffee table and took a deep breath.

Lisa: You sure youre ready?

(Quick backstory: I always said I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex for religious reasons. The truth was that I was nervous about my oddly large balls and my peniss resting state. I dont want to go into detail, but it kind of looks like a feeder mouse. Dont worrywhen its hard, its perfectly slightly below average and weirdly red.)

Me: Well I was thinking I wanted to wait to have sex with the person I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I know I want to spend it with you.

The uncertainty that was usually always somewhere in her eyes disappeared. We had only been dating for a few months, but the connection we had was so strong that we both knew it was going to last forever. A tear rolled down her cheek and then one rolled down mine. I was more sure that I wanted my first time to be with her than Ive ever been sure of anything in my life.

Now, Im not going to get graphic and tell you about how the sex was, but I will tell you this: Her room was ten degrees hotter than the rest of her apartment, so my ass sweat soaked through all her bed sheets and caused her mattress to mold. I know, a true love story. Theres nothing more romantic than having your girlfriend ask if you peed the bed or if it was just a puddle from your back fat and ass sweat. You know, just like in all the good romance movies.

When we realized that night that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, we werent wrong. We might not sweat naked together in a humid apartment in Hollywood anymore, but I still consider Lisa my family. My first love, my first time, my first real relationship, my first partner in crime, and now my first book foreword.

The reason I decided to tell you this story wasnt because I wanted to brag about having sex with the author of this book or to give you vivid details about the shape and general vibe of my penis. Its because I waited twenty-three years to make love to someone who I didnt think existed. Someone who would make me feel comfortable enough to take off my clothes for the first time even though I hated my body. Someone who I trusted enough to share so much of myself and so much of my life with. Someone who could make me laugh harder than anyone I know and cry with me when I didnt know who I was. Someone who I could talk to for hours and not be constantly thinking about my next meal. Someone who said they didnt mind my big balls because they were