Lisa-Jo - Never Unfriended

Copyright 2017 by DaySpring Cards, Inc.

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

978-1-4336-4306-4

Published by B&H Publishing Group

Nashville, Tennessee

Dewey Decimal Classification: 177

Subject Heading: FRIENDSHIP \ HUMAN BEHAVIOR \ FEMALE FRIENDSHIP

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture is taken from Holman Christian Standard Bible, copyright 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard Bible, Holman CSB, and HCSB are federally registered trademark of Holman Bible Publishers.

Also used: New International Version, NIV Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Also used: English Standard Version, ESV Permanent Text Edition (2016). Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

Also used: The Message (MSG), copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson.

Also used: New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Also used: New American Standard Bible (NASB), copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation.

Also used: Contemporary English Version (CEV), copyright 1995 by American Bible Society.

Also used: International Standard Version (ISV), copyright 1995-2014 by ISV Foundation. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED INTERNATIONALLY. Used by permission of Davidson Press, LLC.

Also used: King James Version (KJV), Public Domain.

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For every woman Ive been honored to call friend . Thank you for that gift.

Introduction

How We Define Friendship in This BookIt Might Not Be What You Think

I have spent thousands of hours of my life held hostage by worry about friendships. I have overanalyzed, ranted, and kept my husband awake as I rehashed interactions with women I care aboutmining our conversations for minute details and trying to make sense of who was wrong and whether or not I needed to apologize or if I was justified in feeling so upset.

I have worried just as much about misunderstandings with women I didnt even know on a first-name basis.

I have cried in hidden corners of hotel lobbies over throwaway sentences that still managed to cut deep, and panic-checked my phone in the middle of the night for text messages. I have woken up first thing in the morning to squint at my emails in order to determine if an argument has escalated or finally been resolved. And Ive walked through long days under the weight of dread that comes with unresolved conflict. I have hit refresh hundreds of times on Facebook to see who has included me, criticized me, or misunderstood me.

No matter what else has been going on around me, Ive paused my life, my kids, my focus in church, my pot of boiling pasta, my work, my errands, my car, and at times even my anniversary celebrations in order to obsessively track what other people are saying about me. And I have wished I could control what theyre thinking about me too.

I have been afraid and resentful. I have wanted to hide. I have felt sorry for myself. I have been so full of jealousy I could almost feel itlike black, thick, greasy tar clogging up my soul. And I have wanted to blame the women around me for how terrible Ive felt on my secret insides.

Friendship is not for the faint of heart.

Because nothing hurts as much as the unkind words of a friend.

And I know Im not the only one who feels this way.

Ive heard too many stories, cried with too many women, and apologized too many times to think Im the only one with these bruises on my heart and holes in my story where friends fell through.

Im guessing you can relate?

Im guessing that, like me, while on the outside you might look like a grown-upmaybe even with kids of your owntheres a teenage girl who lives inside you just like the one who lives inside me. Mine has long, stringy hair and ears that embarrass her because once upon a time a hairdresser told her they stick out too far from her head.

The teenager inside our grown-up bodies still worries about fitting in, being included and what her friends think of her. She worries what people will think of her ears or maybe the tiny apartment she grew up in, her old acne scars or her struggle to make sense of math. Not to mention her fashion sense and whether or not shes comfortable in the body shes grown up into. And while she might look put together on the outside, shes wondering if the cool kids notice her. Because she notices them noticing everyone else and shes not sure how to make herself worthy of being included, invited, and loved.

I dont know about you, but the last time I dressed up to seriously impress a man was when my husband and I were still in the do-you-notice-me-not-noticing-you-noticing-me phase.

But the last time I dressed up to impress another woman was yesterday morning when I painstakingly blow-dried my hair before escorting a group of kids on a field trip to the farm.

To. The. Farm.

My sons teacher is the opposite of me in every way. She is petite and effortlessly fashionable with truly great hair. So 7:30 a.m. found me determined to tame my own unruly mane. There may also have been eyeliner and a cute purse involved.

No one can make us quite as unsure about ourselves as another woman.

We can stand knee-deep in witty conversation holding cupcakes in one hand and our highly connected smart phones in the otheronly to go home and whisper in quiet tears to our husbands, our roommates, or our moms how left out we felt.

We want to matter to the people we think matter. We want the people we think matter to single us out. We want them to want to spend time with us. We want them to want to share bits of themselves with us that they dont share with anyone else. We want them to invite us in.

Into the shared secrets and secret Facebook groups. Into the late-night conversations and preschool play dates. Into the weekend getaways or playground pick-up routines. Into the Bible studies and co-ops. Into the conferences and moms groups, into the planning committees, study groups, and vacation plans.

We want in.

Left on the wrong side of the door, we can regress into eighth grade versions of ourselves in mere minutes. We worry that were too tall, too short, too uncool or unfashionable or uncomfortable in our own skins to fit in. Or that were too loud or too quiet or too much or too little.

There is a voice that whispers all the reasons we deserve to be outa voice that taunts. There is a voice that relentlessly lists every time weve found ourselves on the outside and actually revels in each remembering.

There is a mean girl inside us all who will hypnotize us if we let her. She will poison and paralyze our friendships by focusing on the moments when we felt excluded. She will trick us into thinking that theres an inner circle weve been left out of. She will repeat the lie that weve been left out on purpose. And maybe, painfully, sometimes we have.

Everyone is on the outside of something, but that is only half the story. The good news is that we are all on the inside of somethingoften without even realizing it.

Thats what this book is about.

Its about looking deep into the eyes of that teenager inside you, cupping your hands gently around her tender, confused face, and pointing her in the direction of all the IN thats waiting for her. All the ways shes wanted. All the ways she belongs. If shes willing. If shes willing to stop keeping score and making lists of whos in and whos out, and if she will begin to do the terrifying work of letting people see her naked insides. And scarier yet, if shes willing to make the first move or, even worse, the hundredth move of starting over and over and over again at being the friend she wants.