Lisa Whelchel - Friendship for Grown-Ups: What I Missed and Learned Along the Way

My Dear Friend, Lisa

I vividly remember the first time Lisa and I met. She was carrying a pink box of donuts into a Sunday school class of lively five-year-olds. Teacher Lisa was supposed to help my husband and me learn how to keep another group of munchkins busy for an hour and a half, since we were signed up to teach our own class the following month.

Lisa was very friendly, funny, and fun to watch in action. I liked her immediately but knew there was no chance to really get to know her since she probably had a million people in her life and was busy being a celebrity and all. So I gave her space.

Then Lisa and I were pregnant at the same time with our firstborn children. We instantly had a lot in common and began chatting more. Lisa and her husband, Steve, an associate pastor at our church, invited a small group of us from church over for dinner one nightprobably, I assumed, to do the pastoral thing of reaching out to members of the congregation.

We had a great time, but I noticed that Lisa always shifted the conversation away from anything about her. I was really interested to learn about her life, as I would be any new friend, but there was an immediate drop of the curtain whenever I asked questions about Lisas thoughts or experiences. The message was clear: getting too personal was off-limits. I drew the conclusion that celebrities cannot afford to let their guard down because they never know whos trying to get close to them just because of status.

Once again I backed off and gave space to Lisa.

Then, having our babies at the same time, taking parenting classes together, pulling out our hair trying to raise smart and well-adjusted kids, homeschooling, and taking several vacations together, I could finally call Lisa my friend. I absolutely loved spending time with her. She was so creative, insightful, and fun. And yet, sadly, I knew that our friendship probably would never go beyond a certain level. Lisa didnt show emotion or weakness, so how could I let myself be vulnerable with her? She had that inner strength that made her a super-duper-power-Christian and left me a struggling-wannabe.

Unfortunately there came a horrific point in my life when I had a total emotional and physical breakdown. During those awful months, Lisa came alongside and did not hesitate to take over the homeschooling of my two oldest children, even though she was already homeschooling her own three children. Lisa showed me honest compassion and offered me the physical help that I couldnt have survived without. I never got the feeling that she was doing this out of obligationbut instead out of genuine love and concern. My kids still look back on that year as one of their all-time favorites.

Even after all of that, I still didnt feel that I could completely be myself with Lisa because I never felt that she could be completely honest with me. From time to time, she would bring down her wall a few bricks for me to see the gold mine on the other side, but she was always quick to rebuild that wall whenever she began to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable.

At the same time, I was always so amazed at how Lisa handled everything. She was a spiritual rock. All she needed to get through the difficult times in her life was to lean on God and trust that, as Paul writes in Romans 8:28, in all things God works for the good of those who love him. It was so simple, but it was so not my own life experience. I really couldnt talk much to her about my pain, and she, of course, didnt show that she had any of her own. We loved each other dearly, but once again, there was only so far our friendship could go.

A few years ago there was a dramatic shift in Lisa. I saw her cry for the first timeever. She began to be really honest, and I mean really honest. She was dealing with deep heartbreak that shined a spotlight on the pain she had so carefully kept tucked away her whole life in order to keep functioning as a wife and mother. Suddenly, though, Lisas way of coping with life, by living in partial denial, wasnt working anymore. She became vulnerable and open and to talk with her was like talking to a completely different person.

This is when Lisa and I began to share deeply, cry together, and openly express anger, frustration, and hurt. She wasnt the perfect power Christian anymore. She finally was someone with whom I could relate. I began to feel like we were in this struggle of life together, complete with all the joys and anguish that go with it. There werent any more pat answers, just genuine love and support.