Carmen Bryan - It’s No Secret: From NAS to Jay-Z, from Seduction to Scandal, a Hip-Hop Helen of Troy Tells All

F IRST AND FOREMOST I D like to thank God the Creator, whose love never ceases to amaze me. My darling daughter, Destiny, whom I live for! My parents, Sha Sha and Papa Lenny, I wouldnt trade either of you for the world! My brother, Vantold you I was gonna be famous! My sisters, Janine and Fifi; my entire family; all of my friends (there are just too many to name and I dont want to leave anyone out); and all my pre-orders, it was you guys who got the ball rolling. Thank you so much!

My Team: Seven, here we go again! Tanell, thanks for all your help. Rennette and Shell DimezTrue Riders! Jeff, Dula, Stacy and Triche Christmon of Star Link Media; Denise, Doggest & Dell; Dexter of Clever Concepts; Court Digga, Will, Nana. My Glam Squad: Tonya, Jewrel, JoJo and Michelle.

Special thanks to Simon & Schuster and staff, VH1 and Pocket Books and staff, Lauren McKenna, Megan McKeever, Ian Klienart, Lindsay Jurgenson, Matt Greenberg, Elliot Wilson, Minya Oh, the G-Unit staff, Violator Management and staff.

Id like to especially thank 50! Your words of wisdom, kindness and encouragement made this all possible.

And last but not least, Vanessa Satten, someone whose dedication, sincere thoughts and actions made one of my wildest dreams come true. You will always be a very dear friend to me. Shout out to the Satten family!

C ARM , IS HE TALKING ABOUT YOU ?

Nass insistent voice penetrated the fog in my head. I must have picked up the ringing telephone in my sleep. Had it awakened our daughter, Destiny, too?

What? My bedside clock read midnight. It was 3 A.M . for Nas in New York. Uh-oh. Whatever prompted this call was troubling enough to keep him awake.

I keep hearing about this Memphis Bleek song with Jay-Z. Its supposed to be about you.

The song was news to me, but at the mention of Shawns name my heart sank down to my stomach, which tightened into knots. I sat up in bed and tossed aside the silk comforter. With the movement the diamond on my left hand caught a silvery ray of moonlight. I took a deep breath and calmed down. Nas and I were finally getting married. This was no time to panic.

What song? I asked, as neutrally as possible.

Is That Your Chick. Carm, its getting harder and harder for me to ignore the rumors about you and this dude

They are just rumors, Nas. I put on what I hoped was a persuasively reasonable tone. People talk. I put up with rumors about who youre supposed to be with all the time. Foxy, Beyonc, Mary J. Every week theyre saying its someone new. Youre just going to have to charge it to the game like I do.

Nas was silent. I could almost hear him balancing it out in his mind. On one side, there was my comforting explanation. A big part of him wanted to believe it. On the other hand, there was the growing weight of his suspicion. Nas wasnt exactly buying my little speech, but he let things drop for the moment. We hung up and I lunged for the bathroom, where I was sick.

Nas was very competitive in that he had two part-time jobs: he spent half his time talking up himself and the other half talking down others. In public, Nas tended to be more low-key and aloof than other entertainers. But at home, he was extremely opinionated and vocal about his peers artistic efforts. Even if he was cool with someone personally, Nas always had a raw comment about their music. For example: in my opinion, Foxy Brown is the most talented female MC. Most will agree Foxy wears the crown, hands down. Not Nas. You could just throw a few ingredients in a bowl, stir, and come up with another Foxy, he would rant. He had criticism of just about anyone. He would say Ja Rule was biting DMXs style, or Fat Joe was corny. These reviews always led up to the same point: There is no real talent out there. The only lyricist Nas considered to be in his league was the late B.I.G. Nass battle with Jay-Z was as much one of words as of the heart. Id started seeing Jay finally doing to Nas what hed been doing to me for years.

Nas and Jay-Z always had this bizarre competition. Nas would make comments to me like, I dont remember that nigga being no ill drug dealer. In fact no one with any real credibility could confirm Jay-Zs back in the day drug dealer/baller status. Exaggeration is standard in the music industry. But according to Nas, Jay-Z had no merit to his claims and not one defender.

Carm, this nigga Jay is so shallow, Nas would say. Hes a surface MC. Hes plastic on stage. Thats bad enough. But he doesnt even know what hes talking about. He hasnt done half the shit hes talking about in his rhymes. I dont believe him. Period.

Still, I couldnt imagine what might have motivated this Is That Your Chick song. Naturally Shawn would appear on Memphis Bleeks singlea fellow artist on the Roc-A-Fella label. And the song certainly could have something to do with me. Throughout our clandestine relationship Shawn had made many references to me in his lyrics. But he had never said anything negative or explicit and had never used his relationship with me to taunt Nas.

This was turning into an urban soap opera with me in a leading role as the femme fatale. I had to hear this Memphis Bleek song. After a few calls to friends in New York, I found someone to play the song for me over the phone. It went How foul is she? And you wifed her and talked about how he put the condom on tighter.

At first I thought, PsssI dont know who Shawns referring to, but he damn sure aint talking about me! The lyrics were rather racy and described a type of liaison that was the exact opposite of our relationship.

Shawns disparaging lyrics gave no indication of the solid friendship wed shared over the years. Not to mention the fact that it took a good year before we even became lovers or that I had recently been pregnant by himcause he didnt wear a condom at all, let alone tight enough.

After listening to the song, it was evident that the record was designed to take a direct stab at Nas, making me a casualty of this ongoing and highly publicized strife.

I tried to put things in perspective and take it like a hard-nosed realist, but I couldnt feign callousness. Shawns actions were a complete disappointment. Instead of being hurt, I was enraged. I knew what I had to do before this thing went any further. I had to bring Nas up to speed. It was time to reveal the truth, once and for all.

Throughout the next day, Nas gathered evidence that the song referred to me. That night he called back for another round of questions. As I quietly deflected them, I walked by Destinys room to make sure she was asleep, then headed downstairs. I walked down the stairs with the cordless phone to my ear, my forehead breaking out into a sweat. My heart was racing, my breathing became heavy and my stomach was in knots. I even said a quick little prayer and turned off all the lights as if darkness provided an escape.