Julie Metz - Perfection: a memoir of betrayal and renewal

Fog

It happened like this: Henrys footsteps on the old wooden

Friends and family returned to their lives, the house was

A few weeks after Henrys death, I received a note

Once my affair with Tomas was fully out in the

Storm

Heat rose in waves from the asphalt road ahead of

The heat continued unabated. People were dying from this heat.

The days crawled by, the heat relentless. At least Liza

I had met Eliana once, just a few months before

Wind

Blue sky, feathery clouds, a supreme August day. Barefoot in

On the last Saturday night of November 1986, a friend

The last Saturday afternoon in October arrived bright and chilly,

While I contemplated what to do with my house, I

You are so sexy! Im coming again!

Daylight

After much internal preparation, I went to see Emily one

The shelves of Henrys office library were packed past capacity.

Once I had made the decision to move, there were

Many days after that perfect one were full of difficulty.

Even at twenty-two, long before frantic motherhood and the onset.

Explaining is where we all get into trouble.

RICHARD FORD ,
The Sportswriter

January 812, 2003

It happened like this: Henrys footsteps on the old wooden floorboards. The toilet flushing. More footsteps, perhaps on the stairs. Silence. Then the thud.

I was working downstairs in my office on a bitterly cold Wednesday afternoon. My work space was an enclosed sunporch off our living room, the small-paned windows on three sides framing a view of the snowy hills across the road. Wrapped in a shawl, wearing fuzzy socks on my chilled feet, I continued studying the project on my computer screen. At forty-three, I had been a graphic designer for nearly twenty years, a freelancer, specializing in cover designs for book publishers. Todays project was a novel about hard-luck cowboys, due yesterday, as always. I stopped fiddling with type design possibilities as I glanced at the computer clockin an hour I would have to make a dash out to the car to pick up our six-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Liza, just before school let out at 3:10. Henry had been sick in bed all morning. There would be the freezing cold wait and the daily social milling with the other mothers on the school playground, then the quick drive home to finish my work. Id wear my new sheepskin coat today and feel guilty about its expense on a warmer day. On second thought, the distressed sans serif type worked better with the moody image of a cowboy leaning against a split-rail fence.

Suddenly my brain rewound sharply.

It wasnt a package dropped outside by the UPS guy.

My office phone rang. Instinctively, I answered. The photographer on the line asked me how I liked the images he had e-mailed.

It wasnt the cats knocking groceries off the kitchen counter.

I cant talk nowsomething bad is happening. I ended the call abruptly.

The rooms were silent as I ran up the stairs, calling for Henry. Two of our four cats skittered out of my way, their nails clawing the wooden treads. The bedroom was empty. I raced back down the stairs.

I found Henry on his back, spread-eagled on the kitchen floor, his head a few inches from the oven broiler. He was still breathing. His body was silhouetted against the sea blue of the painted floorboards. I imagined a police chalk drawing of the outline of the victim at a crime scene. I was overcome with the feeling that I was in the scene and watching a scene on televisionan opening sequence of an episode of Six Feet Under, our favorite show that year. Usually some minor character dies in the first five minutes. Henry inhaled with a shallow breath; small dribbles of saliva on his curved lips, the skin on his face now sallow and ashen. He exhaled with a feeble sigh. His eyes flickered half open. I spoke to him to let him know that I was there with him, but for once in our life together he could not speak back.

A long, elastic minute stretched out and snapped: Is this when people call 911? Or is Henry going to sit up and tell me to stop fussing, like he did yesterday after he passed out? This must be the same thing. He came in after taking out the garbage and fell down flat on the floor. The doctor said all the tests were normal

I called 911. I sat down on the floor next to him, stroking his forehead, watching him breathe. A hissing sound, as spittle pulsed between his lips.

I wish I had a notepad and pencil. Henry would want me to take notes. The EMS guys will come. Theyll check him out. Hell be fine. Hell be telling people about his near death at our next dinner party. The report of my death was an exaggeration is what hell say. Everyone will laugh, and Ill feel pathetic for having worried so much. Im happy to feel pathetic if everything will just please, please turn out okay.

I called 911 again, just to be sure. I called Emily, who lived five minutes away and was usually home at two in the afternoon. Anna was more reliableI knew she wouldnt freak out, no matter what happened todaybut she lived twelve minutes away. Then I called Matthew, Henrys best friend, who lived with his wife in a nearby town.

Every minute will make a difference. The EMS guys will come; they will bring oxygen tanks, defibrillators, and IV bags. All will be well. Emily will help me find a babysitter for Liza, then she will go with me to the hospital, and well get there and Henry will be awake, smiling and joking as usual.

I sat back down next to him on the blue floor, stroking the familiar wrinkles, the scar over one eyelid, the small mole at the crest of one cheek.

Inhale. Exhale. A blue gauze curtain passed over him. His skin turned to wax.

Breathe! I screamed at him. Start breathing now! I pounded him on the chest. He wasnt listening to me. I placed my mouth on his and blew my breath into him; the blue briefly faded into rose like a watercolor wash. But the flush faded back to blue. He was still. The man who for sixteen years had loved me, driven me crazy, fought with me, fed me, made love with me, made a baby with me, exhaled one last breath, the air I had blown into his lungs.

I looked up, distracted by the sound of the sliding porch door, followed by a blast of cold air. The EMS guys had arrived with a gurney and gear and gently hustled me out of the kitchen. Emily followed right after them.

Youll know its bad when they take you to the little waiting room. Emily held my left arm. Her face was pale, her lips still rosy from the cold, her dark bobbed hair peeking from under a familiar blue cloche hat. Matthew sat on my right. Matthew was tall, built like a tree. The sad-eyed young doctor told us it was a pulmonary embolism. A blood clot, formed in the leg, had moved upward and lodged in the lung, causing cardiac arrest. They had tried everything they could to revive him. But.