Gilman - Hypocrite in a pouffy white dress: tales of growing up groovy and clueless

If you purchase this book without a cover you should be aware that this book may have been stolen property and reported as unsold and destroyed to the publisher. In such case neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this stripped book.

Copyright 2005 by Susan Jane Gilman

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Material in Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress originally appeared in an article by Susan Jane Gilman entitled Power Pouf in the June 2001 issue of Real Simple magazine.

The chapter Mick Jagger Wants Me by Susan Jane Gilman originally appeared in a slightly different form in the Fall 1994 issue (Vol. 20/2&3) of Ploughshares under the title Meeting Mick Jagger. That version of the essay was awarded an Avery Hopwood Literary Award by the University of Michigan prior to its publication.

5 Spot

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First eBook Edition: January 2005

ISBN: 978-0-446-51058-5

Book design and text composition by Stratford Publishing Services

Cover design by Brigid Pearson

A deliriously, levitatingly funny memoir The thread of tough humor working its way through this memoir serves to backlight moments of exquisite realization and startling, genuine epiphanies.

Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

Gilmans wise-cracking, raw narrative is reminiscent of David Sedariss writing and will draw a similar audience. Hilarious, assured, and moving, these are wildly entertaining stories that readers will share instantly with friends.

Booklist

Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress is hip and hilarious.

Susan Shapiro, author of Five Men Who Broke My Heart

This is not so much a sequel to as an enlargement of Kiss My Tiara; Susan Gilmans voice is somehow both representative of a generation and unmistakably her own. A book to savor silently that makes you laugh out loud.

Nicholas Delbanco, author of The Vagabonds and Old Scores

Amusing, entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny.

Cheryl Peck, author of Fat Girls and Lawn Chairs

If David Sedaris married most of the cast of The Breakfast Club, the resulting child just might be Susan Jane Gilman. She channels the voices of her inner geek, freak, hipster, and princess with razor sharp wit and no small measure of grace. If you have a friend who came of age any time between Carrie and Clueless and you dont buy them this book, then face ityou arent a very good friend.

Joshilyn Jackson, author of Gods in Alabama

Also by Susan Jane Gilman

Kiss My Tiara

For my family

THIS BOOK WOULD have been impossible to write without my mother, Ellen. Not only did she obviously give birth to me, but she has taught me the supreme value of imagination and creativity. Likewise, this book would have been equally impossible to write without my father, David. Not only did he, too, have a role in my birth, but he has continually inspired me to live courageously and not take myself too seriously.

My husband, the Amazing Bob Stefanski, deserves his own acknowledgments page for his steadfast support, love, patience, and availability as a sounding board, as well as for giving me the adventure of a lifetime.

Countless thanks are due my editor, Amy Einhorn, for her continually amazing work, commitment, optimism, and high tea at Fortnum & Mason, as well as to my agent, Irene Skolnick, for her eternal hand-holding and clear understanding of what is truly important.

I would also like to thank Dollie and Paul Llanso, and Irit and Yitzik Lev for their friendship and sharing their space with me; Susie Walker for bringing me home to her garden; Maureen McSherry for agreeing to read whatever I sent her; Jackie and Ken Davidson for keeping me sane; and Cathline James and Roy Langstaff for their endless support.

My thanks as well to Kitt Rasmussen. To Anyzette and Jacques Lebet: Merci beaucoup pour tout. Id also like to acknowledge Eric Messinger simply because he deserves it.

Yet above all, I must express my undying gratitude to my phenomenal brother, John, who has been along for the entire ride, both literally and literarily. I could not have done this without his support, dedication, sound judgment, and killer sense of humor. Kid, youve been incredible. I am blessed to have you as my brother; I cannot thank you enough. This one, above all, is for you.

THIS IS A BOOK about growing up ambitious and engaging in some spectacularly imbecilic behavior. Although I was taught never to let the truth get in the way of a good story, the tales here are trueor, at least, Ive recounted them as honestly as I can remember them. In some cases, names and details of people and places have been altered to protect the guilty and innocent alike.

Ive written this book, in part, because it seems that all of us could use a good laugh these days. Yet Ive also written it because so many of the stories women are currently telling are all about getting a man. Or about getting over a man. Or about getting laid. Or about not getting laid. Or about not getting laid and not getting a man, but deciding were okay with it.

Having spent criminal amounts of time sleeping with inappropriate men myself, then bragging about it, I love hearing about other peoples romantic and sexual ineptitude as much as the next person. Yet ultimately, theres so much more to womens lives thats worthy of attention and ridicule. Hence, this collection. While a few stories do involve a boy, a bra, and a booty call, mostly their focus is elsewhereon other passions and delusions that we all experience in one form or another.

Its my hope that these coming of age stories will make readers laugh, and prove once and for all that a girl doesnt need a guy in her life in order to act like a complete idiot. Certainly I, at least, never have.

Susan Jane Gilman

Grape Juice and Humiliation

Nudie Hippie Kiddie Star

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I was so girlie and ambitious, I was practically a drag queen. I wanted to be everything at once: a prima ballerina, an actress, a model, a famous artist, a nurse, an Ice Capades dancer, and Batgirl. I spent inordinate amounts of time waltzing around our living room with a doily on my head, imagining in great detail my promenade down the runway as the new Miss America, during which time I would also happen to receive a Nobel Prize for coloring.

The one thing I did not want to be was a hippie.

For Chrissake, youre not a hippie, said my mother, fanning incense around our living room with the sleeves of her dashiki. Youre four years old. You run around in a tutu. You eat TV dinners and complain when the food doesnt look exactly like it does on the packages. Hippies dont do that, she said. Hippies dont make a big production out of eating their Tater Tots.

Come to think of it, hippies dont torture their little brother by trying to sell him the silverware, either, she added. If I were you, Id worry less about being a hippie and more about being an extortionist.

But even by age four, I was aware of my familys intrinsic grooviness, and it worried me no end. Like most little kidsor anyone, for that matterI suffered from contradictory desires. While I wanted to be the biggest, brightest star in the universe, I also wanted to be exactly like everybody else.