Greenman Ben - I Am Brian Wilson

Copyright 2016 by Brian Wilson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210.

Designed by Jeff Williams

Set in 11 point Giovanni by Perseus Books

Cataloging-in-Publication data for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

ISBN: 978-0-306-82307-7 (ebook)

Published by Da Capo Press, an imprint of Perseus Books, a division of PBG Publishing, LLC, a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

www.dacapopress.com

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail .

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Melinda

God only knows what Id be without you

Table of Contents

Contents

Its been hard and its been easy. Mostly, its been both. My friend Danny Hutton from Three Dog Night recorded a song, Easy to Be Hard, that I sing to myself in my head sometimes: Its easy to be hard, its easy to be cold. Its cold now. Its the winter of 2004 in London, and Im getting ready to go onstage at the Royal Festival Hall. Some of the songs Ill be singing are about the sun and the beach. Theres not much of either of those in London right now. But theres waterthe Royal Festival Hall is right on the riverand some of the songs are about that.

When I got here I was walking around and heard someone mention that the hall was originally built in 1949 but redone in the fall of 1964. That was a big year, 1964. It was the year of everything. The Beach Boys toured around the world. We were in Australia in January with Roy Orbison and all over the United States in July. They called that tour Summer Safari, and we played with people like Freddy Cannon and the Kingsmen. When we werent touring, we were recording: Fun, Fun, Fun and The Warmth of the Sun at the beginning of the year, Kiss Me, Baby at the end of the year, and more songs than you can count in between. We put out four recordsthree studio albums (including a Christmas one) and a live album. And that was on the heels of 1963, which was almost as busythree albums and constant touring, too.

I dont go back and listen to that old music very much. But I do think about it, and I try to imagine what was in my head back then. I cant always get a clear picture. Sometimes its pieces of pictures. Its hard to get back to where you were, you know? Over the years Ive played new music and Ive played old music. Ive played both here at the Royal Festival Hallmy band and I came in 2002 to play Pet Sounds straight through, and people loved it. That was in summertime. Tonight is different, though. Tonight is the moment I have been dreading for months, and imagining for years. Tonight, in the second half of the concert, were playing SMiLE, the Beach Boys album that never was, for the first time. What the hell was I thinking? Why in the world did I think this was a good idea? SMiLE was supposed to be the follow-up to Pet Sounds back in the mid-60s. It fell apart for so many reasons. It fell apart for every reason. Some of the songs that were supposed to make up SMiLE came out on other records over the years, but the real album went underwater and didnt surface for decades. Finally I got back to it and finished it up. In my sixties I did what I couldnt do in my twenties. Thats what has brought me to London this time.

Im sitting out in the theater. Everyones getting ready. What brought me here to London? Its hard to keep my train of thought. There are so many people going back and forth, so many musicians. I hear them tuning up or trading licks, but I also hear them talking, both the musicians here and other musicians from the past. I hear Chuck Berry, who was one of the first artists to turn boogie-woogie into rock and roll. What would Chuck have thought about all these strings and woodwinds? He probably would have walked right past them and gone onstage with a pickup band he hired when he rolled into town. I hear Phil Spector, who did all those great records in the 50s and early 60s. Phils voice is scary, always challenging me, always reminding me that he came first. Wilson, I hear him saying in my head, youre never going to top Youve Lost That Lovin Feeling or Be My Baby, so dont even try. But maybe he wants me to try. Nothing is ever simple with him, not when hes in my head. Simple isnt what hes about. People say that we named Pet Sounds partly as a tribute to him: check the initials. I also hear my dad in my head. His voice is louder than the others. Whats the matter, buddy? You got any guts? Is this all about you? Why so many musicians? Rock and roll is two guitars, a bass, and drums. Any more than that is just about ego.

When I hear those voices, I try to shut them out. Im just trying to get a feel for the room and how the songs will come alive inside of it. Im also trying to get a feel for where I fit into all of this. Back in the old days with the Boys, I never liked going onstage. People used to write about how I seemed stiff. Then they started writing about how I had stage fright. Its a weird phrase, stage fright. I wasnt afraid of the stage. I was afraid of all the eyes watching me, and of the lights, and of the chance that I might disappoint everyone. There were so many expectations that I could figure out in the studio, but they were different onstage. A good audience is like a wave that you ride on top of. Its a great feeling. But a crowd can also feel the other way around, like a wave thats on top of you.

There are other voices, too, along with Chuck Berry and Phil Spector and my dad. The other voices are worse. Theyre saying horrible things about my music. Your music is no damned good, Brian. Get to work, Brian. Youre falling behind, Brian. Sometimes they just skip the music and go right for me. Were coming for you, Brian. This is the end, Brian. We are going to kill you, Brian. Theyre bits and pieces of the rest of the people I think about, the rest of the people I hear. They dont sound like anyone I know, not exactly, except that I know them all too well. I have heard them since I was in my early twenties. I have heard them many days, and when I havent heard them, I have worried about hearing them.

My whole life Ive tried to figure out how to deal with them. Ive tried to ignore them. That didnt work. Ive tried to chase them away with drinking and drugs. That didnt work. Ive been fed all kinds of medication, and when it was the wrong kind, which was often, that didnt work. I have had all kinds of therapy. Some of it was terrible and almost did me in. Some of it was beautiful and made me stronger. In the end, I have had to learn to live with them. Do you know what thats like, to struggle with that every single day of your life? I hope not. But many people do, or know someone who does. Everyone who knows me knows someone who does. So many people on the planet deal with some type of mental illness. Ive learned that over the years, and it makes me feel less lonely. Its part of my life. Theres no way around it. My story is a music story and a family story and a love story, but its a story of mental illness, too.