Pedersen Lars Steen - Riis: stages of light and dark

CONTENTS

L ars Steen Pedersen is a Danish journalist and author, whose books include boxer Johnny Bredahls autobiography, Kampen, and footballer Stig Tftings autobiography, No Regrets, which became the best-selling sports book in Denmark, and was also named the worlds best sports biography by international magazine World Soccer. As a reporter, Lars has covered the Tour de France, the Olympics and the football World Cup and European Championships, as well as working on television documentaries about professional sport. He helped to start TV2s magazine programme Lige p og Sport, and has been chief editor at newspaper BT and television channel DRs sports and news desks. He is now editor on DRs investigative news show 21 SNDAG.

E llis Bacon is a writer and journalist covering professional cycling. Fluent in Danish and French, having lived in both Copenhagen and Avignon, he has translated a number of books and articles, and has written about the sport for a variety of magazines and newspapers. He is also a regular contributor to Cycle Sport and Cycling Weekly magazines, and the former deputy editor of Procycling. Following the pro peloton has taken him all over the world, interviewing riders and attending races in Australia, North America and the Middle East, and he has covered nine Tours de France, as well as the Beijing Olympics. He lives in London with his wife, Lucy, and their dog, Sooty, and doesnt ride his bike quite as often as he should.

M y lovely wife and best friend, Anne Dorthe, and my children, Jesper, Thomas, Cristian, Matias and Andreas, for always being there for me. A special thanks to Mette, and to everyone I have met in my life. Thanks to Dad, who is always in my thoughts.

A huge thanks to Lars Steen. Your commitment to this project has been second to none. Thank you for pushing me and helping me through what has been a fantastic process.

My wife, Trine Panum Kjeldsen, and my children, Nikoline, Oskar and Alma Josefine, for their support, patience and time, which has allowed this project to be realised. My brother, journalist Flemming Steen Pedersen, for his input, criticism and good advice. My editor at Peoples Press, Thomas Rasmussen, for his informed and very useful suggestions. Lea and Anders for their proofreading and suggestions along the way.

To everyone else who has been there ready to help and especially to Anne Dorthe Tanderup and Mette Nybo. And, lastly, a huge thank you to Bjarne for the confidence and trust you showed me, every step of the way.

I t is the middle of the night, and Im wandering around in the dark, alone on a mountain. Its freezing, but Im enjoying the silence and the solitude. It is late November 2007. Together with the riders and staff from the cycling team, Im on a team-building trip in Norway, which has been arranged by BS Christensen a former soldier with the Danish Special Forces. As hes done for us in the past, he has put together a programme made up of the kinds of tasks that require the participants to work together. And while Im stomping around in knee-deep snow on the mountain, the others are out on a night mission.

The trip has definitely been good for building camaraderie, morale and motivation within the team, but something is missing: me as both a person and a leader. Physically, I am there, but mentally it is as though I am somewhere else entirely. I feel lethargic and dont seem to be able to concentrate on anything. When giving the riders my team talks, I feel as though I have plenty to say, but I just cant get the message across. Spending time out on the mountain is giving me the opportunity to try to get my head together and to work out how on earth it has all come to this.

As a rider, I used to spend hours in the saddle on training rides going through any problems I had in my head, coming up with solutions and forming plans to deal with it all. Its that same kind of isolation that I am craving now. The previous few months havent gone quite as Id expected them to. It is as though I dont know myself any more. All the happiness and energy seems to have disappeared.

Its only been six months since I stood up and admitted to having doped as a rider. The world had got its admission from me, while I was able to lay to rest the ghost that had haunted me for so long. Or so I thought. The truth is that it still hasnt given me peace of mind. And with every day that has passed since, Ive felt more and more drained of energy.

There have been days at home in Switzerland when I have been so tired that all I have wanted to do is sleep, and have only managed to get out of bed once the kids have gone to school. Some days Id even lie in bed all day, staring up at the ceiling, with the curtains drawn and the lights off. My wife, Anne Dorthe, would take care of everything that needed doing, like looking after the kids and running the house. But one day shed had enough, and came storming into the darkened room. Right I think its time you came out of here now. Youve been lying in here for four days in a row. The rest of us live here with you too, you know, she said.

When I finally managed to pull myself out of bed to go into the office, I just sat in front of the computer. It didnt help at all I just couldnt be bothered with anything. It felt like I had tunnel vision, and that the tunnel was getting narrower and narrower.

One evening in particular made me feel that I had finally lost it. I was in Denmark doing a talk for the managers at electronics company Siemens. Id gone over my notes before starting my speech, but completely fell apart once I got up to talk. My thoughts were all over the place, and I couldnt remember anything that Id written down. What actually came out wasnt very coherent at all. The speech was an absolute disaster. I was annoyed with myself for not being able to express myself properly, despite having prepared and written everything down beforehand. As I left, all I could think was, What the hell is wrong with me?

My team press officer, Brian Nygaard, could tell that something was up. He rang one day to discuss a few things, but then asked me, How are you really feeling, Bjarne?

Okay, I replied.

It just seems to me like youve been going through a hard time lately, he said.

His concern somehow pressed the right buttons, and suddenly I couldnt hold back my feelings, or the tears, any more. It has been hard, was all I was able to get out before I started crying. Hard to have to admit that I was wrong when Id thought that admitting to my doping past would make everything all right. Deep down, Id perhaps thought that coming clean would bring some sort of relief and closure, but instead Id been left feeling as though it had just made things even worse.

Out there in the dark on that mountain in Norway, something didnt really feel right. I hoped that it was just the result of sheer exhaustion from BSs training programme. I felt a bit better the next morning, and gave Anne Dorthe a call back home.

Im not really feeling too great, I said, and told her about my night on the mountain.