Laura Sobiech - Clouds: A Memoir

Once in a blue moon, you meet someone who changes you. Though I never met Zach Sobiech, his grace in the face of a devastating prognosis was a beautiful thing to witness. The fact that his mother, Laura, and entire family were able to accompany him on his journey with such strength and courage (not to mention love and laughter) is a powerful lesson, not about dying, but about living.

KATIE COURIC

Zach was a special spirit on earth... [who] touched many people throughout the world with his talent and smile. I was happy to be a part of Clouds, and support [the] efforts to bring attention to that spirit of Zachs so that what he started can help others in need.

BRYAN CRANSTON, AWARD-WINNING ACTOR

Zach is an example of how one can choose to live ones life powerfully. His life and music will live on, sharing a beautiful message.

JASON MRAZ, GRAMMY-WINNING ARTIST

Zach Sobiechs voice will live forever. He left the most powerful gift of all, a soundtrack of poignant melodies inspired by the boundless love of family and friends. This is the story of how a teenage boycursed with an evil diseasefought back and lifted his soul beyond the clouds. Zachs story will make you cry, make you feel life is unfair. But in the end Zach taught us how to live and how to cherish every single gift, every moment. Im honored I got to share his story around the world. My time with Zach is a gift Ill cherish forever.

ED LAVANDERA, CNN CORRESPONDENT

For Zach.

I am so grateful I got to be your mom.

2014 by Laura Ann Sobiech

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Originally published as Fly a Little Higher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Nelson Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Nelson Books and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

The author is represented by Joelle Delbourgo Associates, Inc., 101 Park Street, Montclair, NJ 07042.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

Bible translations are from the THE ENGLISH STANDARD VERSION. 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers.

This work is the authors recollection of events, and the details are portrayed to the best of her memory. Unless otherwise noted, photos are from the authors personal collection.

ISBN 978-0-529-10075-7 (HC)

ISBN 978-0-529-12179-0 (IE)

ISBN 978-0-529-10076-4 (eBook)

ISBN 978-1-4002-2672-6 (Movie Ed)

Epub Edition SEPTEMBER 2020 9781400229772

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013957741

Printed in the United States of America

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OVER THE YEARS WHILE WALKING WITH MY SON ZACH THROUGH his battle with cancer, there were moments I tucked away in my heart, knowing that eventually I would write them all down.

What resulted is not a story about how Zach died.

Rather, this story is about a boy who found himself tested by pain and loss. Its about a boy who learned to live while dying and in doing so brought hope to countless people who desperately needed it. But most of all, it is a story about a boy who showed his family, his friends, and eventually the world that everyone can choose to fly a little higher.

September 2012

ZACH DROVE UP THE DRIVEWAY, AND I HELD MY BREATH, WANTINGand not wantingto hear how the first day of his senior year of high school had gone.

He got out of the car and pulled his backpack and crutches out of the backseat. I stood in the kitchen, far enough from the living room windows so he wouldnt see me watching. Even from here I could see the heaviness in his gait and on his face.

As he walked in the door, I greeted him from the kitchen, keeping my distance, allowing him the space a seventeen-year-old boy requires from his mom. My heart raced, but I remained steady and focused. Id seen this look before, though it was a rarity. He was the kind of kid who could take a lot before he got down. Setting his crutches aside, he glanced at me long enough to see the questions in my face. He hobbled the few steps to the big chair with the ottoman in the corner. The oversized pendulum clock that hung on the wall above the chair was ticking, my heart surpassing its rhythm.

He wouldnt look at me, his face turned down and eyes averted. I remained grounded in the kitchen, not wanting to jump in too soon. I crossed my arms and leaned my head and shoulder against the wall, then asked, How did it go?

He took a deep breath, rested his forehead in his hand, and with huge tears spilling from his eyes, said, I dont know how to do this.

And then he sobbed.

Though my heart was breaking, my mothers mind was bent on fixing his pain. I walked to the chair and sat on the armrest next to him. I leaned over and laid my cheek on his thinning hair, my hand on his shoulder. Okay. Tell me what you mean.

Of course I knew what he meant. How do you do this? How do you pretend that life is normal when there is nothing normal about cancer slowly eating away at your bones and lungs? There is nothing normal about taking nineteen pills a day or finding out that the osteosarcoma has spread to your lungs for the third time in three years and has invaded your pelvis and the soft tissue surrounding it. And there is certainly nothing normal about learning, at seventeen, that youre terminal. How do you do this? How?

He took a moment to get control of the tears.

The first assignment in English was to write a college essay, he said. In every class the teacher was emphasizing how this is our last year of high school and that we should take it seriously and use it to prepare for college. What am I supposed to do with that? Whats the point? he whispered and finally raised his eyes to meet mine.

He went on to tell me that the toughest part of the day, and the past few months, was watching his friends making plans for the next phase of their lives. He felt like they were leaving him behind, and it was lonely. Zach, who had always been a social creature, was experiencing something he never had before. The friends whom he loved to be with were becoming sources of agony.

Well be hanging out downstairs just watching a movie or whatever, and everything is fine. Then one of them will bring up college, and all I can think about is how Ill be dead. He turned his face away and pinched the bridge of his nose to stop the tears.

I cupped his head in my hands and kissed the top of his head. I moved to the couch across from him, took a deep breath, and looked into this brave, weary, and heartbroken boys soul.

And I prayed.

I prayed the desperate prayer of a mother who knows her child is beyond the reach of her wisdom. In my head, I screamed, Give me the words! Please... just give me words. With a clenched jaw, I took another breath, exhaled, and without any words ready, I spoke.