Polizzi - Baby Bumps: From Party Girl to Proud Mama, and all the Messy Milestones Along the Way

2013 by Nicole Polizzi

Published by Running Press,

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2013950312

E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-5165-4

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Cover design by Dan Cantada

Interior Design by Maria Taffera Lewis

Edited by Jennifer Kasius

Typography: Gotham, Chronicle, and Thirsty Rough

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to my beautiful son, Lorenzo.

Without him, I wouldnt know the true meaning of life and how awesome it feels to be a MILF!

Id also like to dedicate this book to my fianc, Jionni.

Without him, I wouldnt have Lorenzo or unforgettable gas pains when pregnant.

CONTENTS

M y pregnancy began with the thought, Holy shit! My egg hatched! I didnt think I could conceive. Over a lot of years of not using birth control (I know, bad idea), nothing ever happened. I was shocked my body actually did what it was supposed to do. But after the amazement, I got a rebound reality check and thought, What am I going to do? Can I really pull this off?

When Jionni and I realized we were knocked up, we werent engaged. Wed been together for a year and had had plenty of ups and downs. Wed only just settled into a great, stable relationship. I thought our bumps were behind us. But as it turned out, a big one, the biggest, was starting to develop.

There was no question. We were in love; we wanted to keep the baby. But that didnt mean I felt ready to be a mom. I was 24. Jionni and I both still lived with our parents. I had next to no experience dealing with kids, and zero exposure to infants. Babysitting jobs in high school? Uh, no. (Hey, I dont blame my neighbors. I wouldnt have hired myself!) Id never held a baby or changed a diaper. Wait, thats not entirely true. I did try to change a diaper once, but I had to stop mid-wipe and run out the room. I just didnt like kids.

I still wanted to have some, though. I figured Id grow to like kids when I was older myself, like 27 or 28. Then Id see about becoming a young, sexy mom with four tan babies. So my plans were fast forwarded. Of course I was nervous! The idea of being responsible for a small helpless creatureother than myselfhad me quaking in my booties.

In my fantasies about becoming a mom, I blipped over the pregnancy part. Good call. Those nine months turned me into a slobbering bitch from HELL. I wanted to crawl in a hole. The kill me now queasiness was one among dozens of miseries, all of which Im going to describe in florid, fetid detail in this book. Better brace yourself for some serious disgustingness. You might have to read with one hand over your eyes and the other holding your nose. Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart or bowels. Its a leaky, oozing, gassy mess. If anyone tells you different, shes sugar coating like a candy factory.

According to my doctor, my conception and pregnancy were easy. We didnt need test tubes or turkey basters. No frozen eggs defrosted in a microwave. No scary bleeding, false labor, or mandatory bed rest. We didnt have to race to the hospital in the middle of the night. I wasnt wheeled on a gurney into emergency surgery, screaming, Save my baby! I dont care if I live or die, but SAVE MY BABY! For once in my life, I got through a summer with minimal drama. Calling a pregnancy easy is a relative term, though. Mine didnt seem easy to me, not by a long shot! I couldnt wait for it to end.

And then, it did. Lorenzo was born in late August. Pregnancy was over, but motherhood was just getting started. Despite my nerves and fears, being a mom came naturally. Moments after the birth, when the nurse plopped Lorenzo on my chest, I knew instinctually how to hold him and talk to him. And if I hadnt, I would have had to figure it out ASAP. Motherhood comes at you like a speeding Range Rover. You have to throw away doubt and immediately care for your child. You might want to take a two-week vacation after pregnancy and labor. But your baby needs you now. You hit the shit running. Thats actually a good thing. You dont have any time to worry about whether youre a good mom. In fact, if you do have lots of time to think about it, then youre not doing it right.

As I write this, Ive been a mom for nine months, as long as I was pregnant. Im not scared anymore. The opposite. Im strong and confident. Motherhood reminds me of this line from A Midsummer Nights Dream: And though she be but little, she is fierce. (Yeah, I can quote Shakespeare.) Until I had a baby, I had no idea what it meant to be fierce. I thought I did, but I was way off. I went from wearing leopard print to really feeling like a leopard. Just try to touch my baby, and the claws will come out.

Not to say motherhood is easy. Its natural, but its a challenge. Jionni and I live in a constant shit storm. I do mean that literally. The shit actually rains down on us sometimes. And guess what? I dont care. I clean crap off the walls, and I laugh because Lorenzo is the most precious, incredible thing in my life. I got through the pregnancy, the labor and delivery, and that so-called fourth trimester when Lorenzo was a newborn. I feel happier and stronger than ever. If I can do it and come out in one piece, anyone can.

My so-called ordinary road to motherhood was anything but. It was an extraordinary roller coaster ride. Every day of the experience blew my mindand blew up my body to unbelievable proportions. No matter how uneventful a pregnancy might seem to outside observers, to the woman whos experiencing it, its enormous and epic and makes her feel like shes the first woman whos ever done it. I know that people have been getting pregnant since the dawn of time, that billions of women have done it before me, and billions more will do it after Im long gone. But when you feel life growing inside you, the most basic, common aspect of human existence seems like a friggin miracle.