Sam Haskell - Promises I Made My Mother

FOREWORD

W hen I met Sam Haskell for the first time, I was a little wary. It was at the beginning of Everybody Loves Raymond and until then I had never really dealt in great detail with an agent before. I had lived my whole life in Queens, New York, and, like most people, my perception of an agent was a fast-talking, slick, wheeler and dealer. I met Sam and it was a little different.

It was Gomer Pyle in a suit.

I really didn't know what to make of Sam at that first meeting. Here was this soft-spoken Southern guy who seemed polite, friendly, and genuine enough. Then I remembered my favorite Twilight Zone episode in which the Martians come to Earth and they're just thatpolite and friendlyand after they help the humans with everything they need on Earth, they persuade them to come to their planet where everything is perfect. It's utopia. Of course as the humans board the ship, we find out that the Martians want them because there's a food shortage on their planet. They want to eat them!

I wasn't gonna let that happen. Sam Haskell was not going to eat me.

Okay, that sounds a little weird but I'm gonna leave it, because it was sort of the way I felt about that whole situation I was in. I wasn't gonna let the thrill of fame and success make me compromise my own morals. I feel I have a strong sense of right and wrong, and I think I owe that to my two brothers.

My brothers and I lived our whole lives in New York City, and while my path took me to stand-up comedy and ultimately Hollywood, they followed their hearts into two completely different careers.

My younger brother, Robert, worked at TNT in public relations, making a pretty good salary, and then at thirty-eight he quit to become a second-grade public school teacher in the Bronx. My older brother, Rich, served twenty years as a sergeant on the New York police force, ten of those in undercover narcotics. I know Robert loves working with underprivileged kids, even though it can be a thankless job, and I know Richard never compromised his morals, no matter what the situation was as a police officer.

I've never said anything really nice about them to their face cause we're brothers, and the sibling rivalry runs deep, but when I think of them I have to admit, they are my heroes.

Wow, that wasn't easy.

They're gonna give me a lot of crap when they read this, but that's okay.

It's true.

So with the Twilight Zone episode as a cautionary tale, and my brothers as my moral barometer, I made a promise to myself when I left Queens that no one in Hollywood, including this agent Sam Haskell, was going to eat me.

Still weird.

As time went on, I got to see more and more of Sam. Every new contract I had to sign, or negotiation we had, he was there. I would always be a little obsessive and start questioning the fairness of every deal. Of course I wanted what was fair for me, but I would also question what was fair for the other guy. While it was enough to drive some agents and lawyers crazy, I never once saw Sam waver or flinch. Maybe this guy is someone who might understand where I was coming from.

Maybe.

After a year or so, I got more confused watching Sam. Was he for real? Could a guy in this business get as far as he did being fair and honest? I know my brother did it in the police force, dealing with thieves and drug addicts, but this was different. This was show business. It's far more corrupt.

About the third year of Everybody Loves Raymond there was somewhat of a turning point for Sam and me. We filmed the show every Thursday in front of a live audience. Managers and agents, family and friends would always be milling around. I would always bring one of my four kids. One night, I was filming a scene where we had to stop for some technical reason for a few minutes, so I ran quickly up to my dressing room to use the bathroom.

When I walked in, there was Sam Haskell, the worldwide head of television at William Morris, on his knees, helping my twelve-year-old daughter with her history homework. I looked at my wife, who was sitting on the couch. She just shrugged her shoulders and smiled. It was that night that I thought this guy might be different. I mean, don't get me wrong, even with all the cutthroat and backstabbing in this business, I know there are good people here, real people, but c'mon, sixth-grade history!

Although I wasn't totally sure what Sam's deal was, I saw a man who maybe, just maybe, was what he appeared to be.

The next few years on Raymond were very interesting. At one point, Sam was negotiating my salary with the network, which would have given me more money in one week than my brothers make in one year. It was a weird place for me to be, and through all my guilt and neurotic emotions, Sam was there with his calm, wholesome demeanorthat Southern Opie charm that somehow made it all seem okay. Of course, the more money I made, the more he and his agency made, and that was always something I kept in the back of my mind, even while I was constantly impressed at how he pulled it all off with such grace and dignity.

However, it wasn't until I was in Amory Mississippi, that I gave in to my instinct that this agent Sam was not one of those Twilight Zone Martians. Every two years Sam Haskell puts together a charity show called Stars Over Mississippi. It takes place in his hometown of Amory, and it provides college scholarships for kids who can't afford to go but who excel academically. Sam had asked Doris Roberts and me to perform along with Whoopi Goldberg, Brooks and Dunn, Kathie Lee Gifford, and a whole slew of stars that he brought to Mississippi.

The first day there, Doris and I were part of the traditional Stars Over Mississippi parade that drove down Main Street in Amory. When I saw that Main Street was three blocks long and it had a store where you could buy slingshots, I realized this town was not a metropolis. But there I was, sitting in a convertible with Sam at my side, waving to all the Amory people who had come out to support what he was doing. They all knew about Sam Haskell, hometown kid, who had gone to Hollywood and made it big. You could see it in their faces, thinking, He's back. Sam's back doing what he does. He brings Hollywood to us and he puts our kids through college. He didn't forget us.

The show was the next night on a big outdoor stage with about ten thousand people in attendance. It was fun to do and the crowd was amazing. At the end, when we all came out on stage and took our bows, there was a feeling of accomplishment from all the performers and the people working behind the scenes.