Faith Evans - Keep The Faith

Copyright 2008 by Faith Evans

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Grand Central Publishing
Hachette Book Group, USA
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com.

First eBook Edition: August 2008

ISBN: 978-0-446-53742-1

I thought I had more time. And it was already too late.

On a late night in March 1997, I was in a car with my girlfriends, climbing up the Hollywood Hills on the way to a party.

You gon call Big and let him know you coming? my friend Toni asked.

Ill see him when we get there, I said, trying my best to look unconcerned.

Toni just rolled her eyes. Whatever. You know you cant wait to see him. What if hes acting funny?

I smiled. He better speak to me. He knows whats up.

We joked and laughed as we parked the car and made our way up the private driveway of a house that music executive Andre Harrell had rented for an event. Before I could get very close, a car driving away from the property stopped next to me. Inside was rapper Heavy D.

Faith, he said to me. You need to get to the hospital.

I didnt immediately think about the shots Id heard earlier. The hospital... for what? Whats wrong?

Faith. Get back in the car. You need to get to the hospital.

Heavys face was serious, and I felt my throat tighten and my heart start to race.

Heavy D answered my question before I could ask it.

I think something happened to Big.

Sometimes, it seems like Los Angeles is some kind of magical land where nothing can go wrong. Im from Newark, New Jersey a place where there are four seasons. Some days are bright and sunny; some are dark, rainy, and cold. There can be two feet of snow piled at your front door, waiting to be shoveled. Or you can be stuck in a heat wave with no air-conditioning, struggling to stay dry.

But the City of Angels is different. The constant sunshine and ocean views can make me feel like anything is possible. When I arrived, one week before the party in the Hollywood Hills, it felt like the kind of day when nothing could go wrong.

I was in town for a week of parties and events surrounding the Soul Train Music Awards. I flew out with my infant son, CJ, planning to make the usual music industry rounds while doing a bit of publicity on local radio and television stations.

But I had more on my mind than just work.

The Notorious B.I.G. CJs father and my estranged husband, the man I called Big would also be in town. His sophomore album, Life After Death, would be released in three weeks, and he was in town to present at the awards and promote his new CD.

Big and I werent together. And we hadnt been for some time. In fact, I knew that he was dating someone new. We were still married but we were moving on. Id met this great guy named Todd whom I was really feeling. We planned to go out while I was in LA. And yet, Big and I had been through so much together. Wed fallen in love fast and hard. He loved my daughter like he loved his own. And Id given birth to our son just four months before. We had a bond that could not be ignored no matter how hard either of us tried.

I was so young. And in a lot of ways, even though Id lived enough for two women, I was still a bit immature. I remember on that night, my plan was to run into Big and let him see that I was doing fine without him. I knew wed cross paths at a few of the parties. And I wanted to make sure he saw me looking cute and having a great time. As a matter of fact, I felt like I needed the entire music industry to see that. With all the whispering being done behind my back for a number of reasons, I wanted people to know that I wasnt hiding, I wasnt afraid, I wasnt heartbroken, and I was still having the time of my life.

The official afterparty for the Soul Train Awards, sponsored by Vibe magazine, was held in the Petersen Automotive Museum. Earlier that day, Id gone to a celebrity basketball game with a few of my girlfriends; after dropping off my son at the home of my girlfriends mother, we were off to the museum.

During the ride, we smoked a blunt and I began to relax and let my mind wander. I thought about how my friends would make sure to let me know exactly when Big walked into the room. Or perhaps the DJ would announce his arrival by playing One More Chance, one of his biggest hits and a song I sang background vocals on. I also thought about Todd. I knew hed be there. Wed been seeing each other whenever we could. And wed planned to go hang out that weekend while I was in town.

For some reason, I wasnt dressed up at all that night. Id always taken pride in my appearance especially at industry events. But that night, I wore a sweat suit in a fatigue pattern and a pair of Timberland construction boots. Looking back, I know I probably dressed that way because I was on high alert.

There were so many misconceptions circulating about me at the time. And everyone thought they knew the real story about my relationship with Big; my rumored relationship with his sworn enemy Tupac; my son with Big; my beef with Lil Kim I had taken a beating in the court of public opinion.

And honestly, I was ready to fight the first person who said the wrong thing to me. I wasnt looking over my shoulder that night. But I was ready for whatever.

We got to the party early, and Big wasnt there. I kept to my friends as we drank and smoked, trying to look like we were paying no attention to whoever came in. But of course, we all had our eyes peeled. By the time Big came in with his entourage, the place was crowded enough that we couldnt see each other.

Before long, a friend of Bigs came up to me, asking me if Id seen Big. I knew instantly that hed been sent to scout me out. He smoked with us for a little while and then slipped back into the crowd. From where I stood, I watched him walk toward a doorway leading to a larger room with more guests. I knew Big was in there, and I thought about going over to him.

Through the years, Ive thought a lot about why I didnt go over and speak to Big that night. Part of it had to be pride Ive got a lot of it. And I wasnt about to look like I was playing myself out. Please. Walking through a crowded party to see him? I dont think so. I needed him to see me. I never actually decided I wasnt going to talk to Big. I just figured Id have all night to run into him and say a few words.

And then I saw Todd and started talking to him and his friends when they came by to say hello. But it was hard to forget Bigs presence. Especially since the DJ played Bigs new single, Hypnotize, on repeat for the entire night.

There was talk of an after-afterparty in the Hollywood Hills, and I needed no convincing. As I headed to the car with my friends, we heard some commotion coming from the exit to the museum. I thought I heard someone say something about shots ringing out, but we were able to get into our car and out of the lot with no problem, so we didnt think twice about it. Our driver had followed a long line of cars up La Cienega Boulevard and into the Hollywood Hills.

Oh God... oh God... oh God... oh... God. Please let him be okay. Please please let him be okay...

I barely remember the ride from the Hollywood Hills to the hospital. I just remember rocking back and forth and mumbling and praying to myself. I was trying to think positive. Just because Big was shot didnt mean that the worst had happened. He could just be wounded. Could be sitting right there in the waiting room with his arm bandaged up. And then I could just run up to him and throw my arms around him and give him a hug and a kiss.