William E. Kastenberg - As a Matter of Heart: A Nuclear Engineering Professors Life-Changing Journey from Safety

Copyright 2022 by William E. Kastenberg.

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Seena River Press

Ashland, Oregon

asamatterofheart.com

Cover design by Frank Fienbork

Project management and interior design by Ruth Schwartz

As a Matter of Heart: A nuclear engineering professors life-changing journey from safety to self / William E. Kastenberg. -- 1st ed.

ISBN 979-8-9856935-0-8 paperback

ISBN 979-8-9856935-1-5 ebook

ISBN 979-8-9856935-2-2 hardcover

For Gloria, my soul mate

without her love,

this memoir would never have been written

The heart has its reasons,
which Reason knows nothing of.

Blaise Pascal

Contents

Acknowledgements

S A PROFESSOR at a major research university, I quickly mastered the art of writing research papers, grant proposals, and letters of rec-ommendation. Either alone or with my colleagues, post-docs, and graduate students, Id respond to reviewers comments, making changes where there was agreement or giving reasons why there was disagreement. When I retired and the idea of writing a memoir became a reality, I navely believed that the transition from technical writing would be easy. Ha!

After several frustrating attempts at writing something personal that didnt read like a research paper or proposal, my wife, Gloria, gifted me a memoir-writing workshop in Italy, in the town of Assisi with Robert Hughes, offered by Art Workshop International. While I worked with Bob, Gloria painted landscapes and cityscapes with Gregg Kreutz, a well-known artist, art teacher and author.

I owe debts of gratitude to Bob for launching me as a memoirist and to Lynn Gernert and Charles Kreeloff for being great hosts and for organizing workshops where our creative juices could begin to flow. Thanks to them, we returned for second workshops a year later.

I am forever grateful to Shoshana Alexander, who invited me into her beginning memoir-writing group when I returned from the first Assisi workshop. Meeting twice a month for five years, Shoshana became my coach, mentor, cheerleader, friend, andfinallymy structural editor. Our original group of Barbara Shor, Judy Hillyard, Bill Ritch, and Carolyn Shaffer became intimates as we read scenes and chapters to each other, always critiquing with love and compassion, and encouraging one another to expose our deepest vulnerabilities, our triumphs, and our failures.

I was very fortunate to attend Katie Hafners memoir-writing workshop in Big Sur and Linda Joy Myers and Brooke Warners Magic of Memoir workshop in Oakland, where I learned the art of creating scenes, developing my characters, and writing dialogue. I can only hope Ive done justice to their teaching and that the lessons I learned are reflected in this memoir.

My profound thanks to Joel Lesko, who read an early version of the full manuscript, but mostly for supporting me with his encouragement and love throughout my process. And to Alan Novidor, my cousin, who read several versions of the manuscript, engaging me in many discussions about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Again, I thank Barbara Shor and Judy Hilyard for reading and critiquing the near-final manuscript after listening to me for hours and hours as I read individual scenes and chapters in group. Bill Ritch went through the near-final manuscript with a fine-tooth comb, always provoking me to be clearer, to go deeper, and to provide more specificity.

Sincere thanks to Dotti Albertini, Anna Fienbork, Frank Fienbork. Marilyn Friedman, Thomas Huffman, Alia Lesko, Sarah Marshank, Heidi Merker, David Norris, Eben Ostergaard, Trine Ostergaard, Birgitta Rhein, and Susan Stark, either for reading the near-final manuscript or for reading specific chapters and making comments and suggestions that, no doubt, significantly improved the writing andmost importantthe story.

A very special thanks to Kathryn Thomas who, as my line editor, read the complete manuscript, line by line, scene by scene, chapter by chapter, sometimes three or four times, until I got it just right. In the line-editing process, Kathryn wasnt just addressing my spelling and grammar, but also pointing out where Id use a word incorrectly or too many times in a paragraph or scene, where Id include too many colloquial expressions, or where something I wrote just didnt make sense. Her magical touch afforded me an accurate, complete, and polished manuscript.

My sincere thanks to Frank Fienbork for designing a fantastic cover, as well as for his patience and devotion to the project as I changed the title and subtitle several times during his creative process. And certainly, to Ruth Schwartzmy book midwifewho made my dream become a reality. Her sage advice from cover to cover, designing the interior pages, and producing an actual bookmy very firstmakes my heart sing.

I also owe a debt of gratitude to Tim Westfeldt. He helped me process the events I describe in the last several chapters of this memoir, and ultimately arrive at the resolution delineated in the penultimate chapter.

Writing a memoir is both an internal and external processat least it was for me. My journey to find the person behind the persona began with my beloved, Gloria, when she gave me John Welwoods book, Journey of the Heart, to read. She not only lived through most of the story as we travelled together along the same path, she experienced it again as we read chapter and verse to each other as Id write, edit, and rewrite. Gloria stood for the story being factually accurate and complete, as well as accurately capturing her thoughts and feelings andoftentimesif I couldnt recall mineshe invariably did.

It was in the final editing and rewriting that we completed the process that began with our marriage vows. Through this journey with her, I learned more about who I am, who she is, and who we are as a married couple than from all the therapy and workshops combined we had encountered along the way! It is to her that I dedicate this memoir.

Authors Notes

HIS IS A STORY about my emotional and spiritual journey of personal discovery. It is a story of romance, partnership, and love. It is not about cults. Nor is it about physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual attainment. During my journey, I was exposed to spiritual teachersgurus, tantric masters, consciousness change coaches and even academic mentorssome who were emotionally abusive and some who were well-intentioned and good-hearted, but often with debilitating impact. Some engaged in narcissistic coercive control directed at me or towards others that I witnessed. Some I learned about as I was writing this story and investigating the topic as part of my own healing process. I cannot in good conscience condone nor promote their methods, models, and programs, or diagnose the perpetrators or their victims. It was in the writing of this memoir that I learned about the psychology of narcissistic coercive control; how I experienced it and how it affected me. The subject is an extremely important psychological dynamic that is relevant to our time and goes far beyond what this memoir can offer. Perhaps it is a subject of further ex-ploration for me.