Sebastian Slovin - Ashes in the Ocean: A sons story of living through and learning from his fathers suicide

PREFACE

This is the story of my fathers suicide and the life lessons that were revealed to me in the aftermath. My intention in sharing this is to give voice and bring awareness to suicide and mental illness, which have for too long been buried in our society. This book is my stepping outside of the stigma of suicide. I wrote this, on a broad level, to help change the grim statistics and reduce the number of suicides. More specifically, I wrote this to help those who have lost a family member or friend to suicide. Ive approached the subject not from the perspective of a neuroscientist, psychologist, social worker, or counselor, but from that of someone who has lived through the death of a loved one by suicide. I know what its like to live in the shadow of such an event.

For many years, I felt trapped in that shadow. I even felt destined to follow in my fathers fatal footsteps. I was fortunate to have had many great teachers and experiences along the way which have opened my eyes to the possibility of taking a different path. By sharing my story, I hope to shine light on the possibility of another way, a way out of the shadows. Beyond that, I want to show people that it is possible to move forward to a place of personal freedom and a lighter, fuller future. While this story is about suicide, it is also about the journey of becoming whole again and waking up to the beauty and wonder all around us.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I am deeply grateful for all the people who have helped bring this book to life. To my wife, Sonya, for her companionship, patience, and love throughout this process. To the family, friends, teachers, and mentors who helped guide me along the way, some of whom Ive mentioned here and many I havent: the Kennedys, the Colvins, the Neumanns, the Bonneys, Derelynn and Michael Kalafer, the Spences, the Lees, the Thompsons, the Mahers, the Chartrands, Devon Hedding, Matt Lamkin, Ben Zoldan, Alice Bandy, Jaime Chambers, Dr. Mark Kalina, Dr. Gregory Dickson, Liz Mohamed, Michael Jackson, Pablo and Nancy Pollard. To Donn Bernie Bernstein, for your timeless friendship, inspiration, and creative guidance. To Patti Fox, for your ceaseless belief, love, and support along the way. To John Maher, for your friendship and inspiration over the years and for the amazing cover photo.

To my professors and mentors at the University of San Diego: Liz Mueller, Dr. Lorri Sulpizio, Dr. Ana Estrada, Dr. Michael Lindsay, Dr. Conor Mclaughlin, Dr. Zachary Green, and Dr. Stefano Olmeti. Thank you for your dedication, encouragement, and guidance. To my advisor and mentor Dr. Terri Monroe, thank you for the work you do.

To my amazing editor and publishing partner, Bethany Kelly, thank you for your clarity and support. To Frank Steele, for your editing, insights, and help in refining this book. To Stefan Merour, thank you for your vision in the design. To Totran Mai, for the beautiful map. To Kellie Shay Hinze, Jon Hinze, Kristin Cuthbertson, Ian Chartrand, and Julie Jakopic for their insights and help with the manuscript during its early stages.

I would like to express my gratitude for two dear friends and mentors who passed away before this book was published, Richard Farson and Reed Thompson. Richard, thank you for listening and for sharing your incredible wisdom. Although I didnt write of our conversations in this book, you played a monumental role in guiding my path. To Reed, thank you for everything. I couldnt have asked for a better role model.

To my mom, Susan, and sister, Tanasa, for all your love and support along this wild ride. Your courage and strength is an inspiration to me. I couldnt have done this without you. Finally, I wish to honor my dad, Vernon, for being the greatest teacher I could have ever asked for.

Praise for
Ashes IN THE Ocean

Ashes in the Ocean is a beautifully written memoir which taps into what it means to live, love, and heal from grief and loss. It is a testament to the power of the human spirit.

Mimi Guarneri, MD, FACC

President of the Academy of Integrative Health and Medicine

Ashes in the Ocean, the story of the loss of Sebastian Slovins father from suicide, will resonate with many in our struggles to trust life and, no matter what, to stand in awe of the amazing world we are part of.

James Hubbell
Artist

As a career psychotherapist I have worked with the aftermath of suicide too many times, and this book would have made my job much easier. Sebastian Slovin is courageously transparent in describing his process of healing from his fathers suicide. As he so powerfully demonstrates, bottling up his feelings for years was destructive, and only by facing the facts head-on was he able to navigate these difficult waters. Not only is he an excellent storyteller but I would highly recommend his book to anyone who has experienced the suicide of someone close.

Jos Luis Stevens, PhD
Author: Encounters with Power

Sebastian pens a brutally honest book that exhumes not only the ghosts of his fathers ultimate choice but also his own relationship to suicide and mental health. Slovin considers the most complicated of human behaviorisms on a sectoral plane that transcends his own teenage angst and connects it with everyone who has ever dealt with a flawed legacy. He opens the vein of self-introspection by wondering why his hero left him with more than he could ever consume. But through this riveting memoir we see not only Slovins transformation but perhaps a vehicle to understandand amelioratethose who are suffering and need the same attention as other serious, life-threatening pathologies.

Scott Tinley, PhD
Faculty member at SDSU,
Author of Things to Be Survived and other life-transition-related books

Ashes in the Ocean is an eloquent story of a return to wholeness from a place of great darkness. Sebastian Slovin allows us to see not just the devastation of suicide, but the healing that is possible. At the end of his book I recalled a phrase from long ago. Gentle is the way. Sebastian is a teacher for that way.

Ronald Chapman

Author, A Killers Grace and My Name Is Wonder

I experienced the same momentous event as the author. His descriptions are enlightening and compelling. I read Ashes in the Ocean in one sitting, simply because I could not put it down. I recommend it without reservation.

Carol A. Edwards

Suicide is the leading cause of death in the United States. Globally, nearly 1 million peo ple die by suicide each year, and these rates are expected to rise. Sebastian Slovin has written a courageous and moving novel about his firsthand experi ence of guilt, depression, and trauma associated with losing his father to suicide at a very young age. Slovin narrates his story across three continents as he confronts the stigma, silence, and complicated grief that surrounds his fathers passing. Slovin uniquely reveals his own internal struggles and that of many surviving family members and friends who suffer from unspeakable guilt, shame, grief, depression, PTSD, and suicidal ideation on his journey to health.

Slovins writing is clear, insightful, and accessible to many readers. To be honest, I could not put this book down once I began reading it. His work will inform, support, and inspire others who seek knowledge about suicide and survivorship. I enthusiastically recommend this book to anyone wishing to gain more insight into suicide, including trainees and professionals who provide education, support, and treatment to suicide survivors. Sebastian, thank you for writing this book.

Ana Estrada, PhD
Associate Professor of Counseling, University of San Diego

Sebastian Slovin writes with the presence of his truth like the feet of the gods fallingthundering their way in from the heavens. I was moved into the depths of my heart within the first few pages, and stayed. If healing our suffering heals this worldthese pages and Sebastians words are medicine for us all.