Safiyya Vorajee - Loving and Losing You, Azaylia: My Inspirational Daughter and our Unbreakable Bond

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First published by Ebury Spotlight in 2022

Copyright Safiyya Vorajee 2022

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Cover design and lettering by The Brewster Project
Front cover photography Safiyya Vorajee

ISBN: 978-1-529-19322-0

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To Azaylia, my hero

When I was asked to write this book, I felt very honoured and blessed. Its a story of hope and finding strength, and if sharing my journey can help other people, I will be happy.

I felt anxious too, wondering how I would cope with retracing the steps of a journey no parent should ever have to take. But everything is about Azaylia now, not me. From the moment she was born, she changed my life and made my life, giving it the purpose and meaning I didnt even know was missing.

When my daughter became ill, I thought I was the one who would have to be strong for her. But Azaylia fought like the bravest little lion in the pride and I quickly realised she was the one who was giving me the strength to carry on.

My baby girl loved life that was obvious to everyone who was lucky enough to meet her. And no matter what she was going through, Azaylia soldiered on with so much dignity and grace, giving the brightest smiles she possibly could. I tried my best to follow her lead and harness the positive energy she radiated every day. We laughed and we danced and we sang together, willing miracles to happen and dreams to come true, right up until the very end.

Now, however low I feel when I open my eyes in the morning and remember my daughter has passed, I ask myself: What would Azaylia do? In her short time on this earth, my baby handed me three powerful batons full of optimism, courage and love. I know I have to keep passing them on in her name. Its how Azaylia taught me to behave and its the only way I can earn my place beside her in heaven.

Azaylia is a very hard act to follow. Her story lit up the world and her tiny feet have left giant footprints all around the globe. Through her charity, The Azaylia Foundation, Im working to keep her light burning bright. We are raising awareness of childrens cancers and fundraising to pay for research, equipment and to support children diagnosed with cancer, and their families too. I had so much to learn when Azaylia became ill, but no idea where to turn. If I can help other people in any way at all, Ill be so happy and thankful, and I will have done the job Azaylia prepared me to do.

I realise now that there were times during my daughters illness when I was so scared and distraught my brain short-circuited. I didnt want to stare into the abyss and so I focused all my energies on Azaylias immediate needs rather than on the big, black hole that was opening up before us. The tears are already running down my cheeks as I write this, but Ill do my best to sift through the darkness and bewilderment and fill in all the blanks I created in the bleakest of moments, and to share my story as honestly and openly as I can.

This is for you, my hero. I know you are looking down on me and I hope Mummy does you proud.

Lets go, champ! x

The pain is excruciating and Im screaming in agony, completely taken aback at how sharp the contractions are.

Gas and air! I need it, NOW PLEASE!

I didnt think giving birth was going to be like this. Ashley had been so supportive during my pregnancy, even when I got tired and grumpy, moaning that I was so huge I couldnt even bend down to put my shoes on or complaining about the fact we were in lockdown, unable to go out and choose a pram or attend an antenatal class in person. In my minds eye, our favourite, upbeat music would be playing during the birth, like Luther Vandross Never Too Much or Faith Evans Love Like This, and Ashley would be rubbing my back and whispering soothing words in my ear as I dealt serenely with the pain. Hed kiss me tenderly, stroke my hair and tell me I was doing so well: Youve got this, Safiyya, hed say. Youre amazing, Im so proud of you.

It wasnt like that at all.

Would you like an epidural? the midwife asks, recognising that the gas and air are barely touching the sides of my pain.

I wasnt going to have an epidural, that was not in the plan at all.

Er, can you have one ready, just in case? I gasp.

Im determined to get through this with as little intervention as possible. Im going to try without first, I say bravely, just as a huge contraction ripples through me and I scream in shock.

For weeks Ive been asking friends and family how Id know when I was in labour. Youll know! they said with strange, secretive little smiles on their faces. Youll know!

Azaylia was due six days earlier, on 4 August 2020. Ever since her due date, Id become more impatient by the hour and was constantly trying to read my body for signs my labour was starting. Im a detail person and I like everything to be neat and tidy and organised. I was adamant I wasnt going into hospital until the timing was just right and I wanted my admission to run like clockwork Im not going to be one of those people who leaves it too late and nearly gives birth in the car park, I told Ashley. Thats never gonna happen. Equally, I wasnt going to be camped out at the hospital way too early, not least because of the current Covid rules. Like all partners, Ashley would only be allowed in for the bare minimum of time, so, if I got the timing wrong, I could be stuck in hospital on my own for hours or even days, which would be horrendous. And of course, it was unthinkable that Ashley would miss the birth. He had to be there.

As soon as I felt the first hint of a contraction I began using an app on my phone to monitor the minutes until the next one, so I knew exactly how I was progressing.

Ashley! I said excitedly, several hours later. Its time to go in now.

I had this. We had this.

Ashley likes to be in control too. Dream, plan, then go and make it happen for yourself, exactly the way you want it to. Thats how he has always operated, in all his different careers and in his life in general. Ive taken a very different path to him, but Ive also set targets and goals and made great things happen for myself. Having our daughter was the biggest dream of all, for both of us. This would be our greatest achievement, by a million miles, and nothing was being left to chance.