Brenda Fantroy-Johnson - Imagine Me

IMAGINE ME

BRENDA FANTROY-JOHNSON

Copyright 2017 Brenda Fantroy-Johnson.

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ISBN: 978-1-4897-1202-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-1203-5 (e)

LifeRich Publishing rev. date: 03/17/2017

For my brother Mike and all of the crabs still in the barrel

Where are we going?

Its not an issue of here or there.

And if you ever feel you cant

take another step imagine

how you might feel to arrive,

if not wiser, a little more aware

how to inhabit the middle ground

between misery and joy.

Trudge on. In the higher regions,

where the footing is unsure,

to trudge is to survive.

Stephen Dunn, Before We Leave

Imagine me loving what I see

When the mirror looks at me

Cause I, I imagine me

In a place of no insecurities

And Im finally happy

Cause I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me

Cause they never did deserve me

Can You imagine me?

Saying no to thoughts that try to control me

Remembering all You told me

Lord, can You imagine me?

Over what my mamma said

And healed from what my daddy did

And I wanna live

And not read that page again

Imagine me

Being free, trusting You totally

Finally I can imagine me

I admit it was hard to see You being in love

With someone like me

Finally I can imagine me

Being strong and not letting people break me down

You wont get that joy this time around

Can You imagine me?

In a world where nobody has to live afraid Because of Your love, fears gone away Can You imagine me?

Letting go of the past

And glad I have another chance

And my heart will dance

Cause I dont have to read that page again

This song is dedicated to people like me.

Those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance, and even self-esteem. You never felt good enough, you never felt pretty enough,

But imagine god whispering in your ear,

Letting you know that everything that has happened is now Gone

Its gone, all gone

Every sin, every mistake, every failure

Depression? Its Gone

By faith. Its just gone

Low self-esteem? Hallelujah, its gone

All gone

All my scars, all my pain, its in the past. Its yesterday

All gone.

What your mother did. What your father did

Its gone, all gone

Kirk Franklin

CONTENTS

I d like to thank my mother who gave me the drive to continue by constantly telling me that if I stayed in school I would get out of the ghetto. She was right. Thank you Jennifer Wilhoit for believing that I could write this book, and my husband Harvey who taught me the value of learning how to nurture myself.

The will of God is the ceaseless longing of the spirit in you to become all youre capable of being.

Pam Grout

A mong the well-to-do people all over the country, Bainbridge Island is known for its beauty. There are two great streets on Bainbridge. The first one is High School Road where, on a clear day, you can see the entire Olympic Mountains range. The other road, Miller, leads to a small retail district in the southern part of the island called Lynwood Center.

When Im in my Mustang with the top down, driving down Miller Road, I feel as if Im watching a movie and Im the star. Its the film that begins with a car driving through a beautiful green forest. The sunlight filters and flickers through the trees. Its obviously warm, with a cool breeze, in this scene.

The wind blows through my hair. I smell pine trees. This is where I am, right in this moment. Serenity. Grace. Gratitude. Yes, I am at peace.

As I round the corner to come into Lynwood Center proper, I see Puget Sound. The scene opens up and, along the water, million-dollar houses appear from behind their hiding places. The skyline of Seattle is visible and Mt. Rainier is out to greet me. Just then I smell the mixed waters of the Sound. This saltwater/freshwater body is uniquejust like me. I am here. I get to live on an island. Who would have thought?

And right then, I know. I have become just exactly what God knew I was capable of being.

When I heard my mama say: youve been slipping into darkness, pretty soon youre gonna pay, War

O nce I drifted off from the pills and wine, I was in a very quiet place.

I am warm, c omfortable, and content. I like it here and I want to stay. In the background, though, something is threatening this peace. I can just barely hear voices that gradually grow louder. I am upset by this. I hear a man say, You hav e to talk louder to her. You have to wake h er up. Then I hear voices that I know. Brenda! Wake up! they insist. I don t want to hear these voices. I dont want to wake up. Why does my family al ways have to ruin things? Just leave me alone and let me go. But the familiar screaming voices are being encouraged by the strange mans voice. She can hear you. Keep telling her to wake up. Finally, there is so much screaming that I cannot find my way ba ck to the place inside where I can just be. Where it is quiet, serene , and safe.

Shut the fuck up. I hear you! Those were my first words out of the coma. Of course, I did not know that I had been in a coma for almost two weeks. Ive always said that this was the most peace Ive ever felt. But then I am awake and I realize that Im alive. I cry because I dont want to be alive.

Why the fuck am I still here? Of all of the times to be concerned, to act as if he cared. I found out that Thomas woke up in the middle of the night and saw that something was wrong. Im not sure what tipped him off or even why he woke up. For him to call 911 was so out of character, so un-Thomas-like. Thats the one thing I did not plan on. He was supposed to get up early and either find me dead or ignore me like he always did and take off in search of that mornings blow. Instead, there I was alive, waking up in a large, stark white hospital room with huge windows. A doctor I did not know was standing over me. My sister Deborah, and my brother, Mike, were there too. I was not happy to see them. I was not happy to see anyone.

I knew what was coming next, the question without an answer: Why?

I once heard someone say, when asked why he tried to kill himself, If you have to ask, then you would never understand. This is exactly how I felt. I wanted to n ot live more than I wanted to live. I decided to opt out of life. I was 20 years old. I had enough of this life and was ready for whatever came next. I really cant blame this feeling on any particular thing; it was a combination of many things. I felt like I did not have a stake in the world. I felt like I had gotten off on the wrong foot and I had botched up my life.