Jennifer Storm - Blackout Girl: Growing Up and Drying Out in America

Growing Up and

Drying Out in America

by Jennifer Storm

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

2008 by Hazelden

All rights reserved. Published 2008

Printed in the United States of America

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or any other means electronic, mechanical, by photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Editors note: Some peoples names in this book have been changed to protect their anonymity.

Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of AA World Services.

Hazelden offers a variety of information on chemical dependency and related areas. The views and interpretations expressed herein are those of the author and are neither endorsed nor approved by AA or any Twelve Step organization.

Cover design Theresa Gedig

Interior design and production David Farr, ImageSmythe

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Storm, Jennifer, 1975

Blackout girl: growing up and drying out in America/by Jennifer Storm.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-59285-468-4 (softcover)

1. Storm, Jennifer, 1975 2. Women alcoholicsUnited StatesBiography. 3. Women drug addictsUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.

HV5293.S76S76 2008

362.29092dc22

[B]

2007040998

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-59285-817-0

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my Higher Power and the people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, for without the combination of these two powerful entities in my life, I would not be here. To the alcoholic or addict who is still sick and suffering, may this book read as a guide to recovery for whatever you are going through. May you find hope in these pages.

Contents

Preface

W HEN I WAS FIRST APPROACHED with the idea of titling this book Blackout Girl, I have to admit, I was slightly offendedmainly, because I havent blacked out in more than ten years, so it just doesnt seem to fit with who I am today. As a teen and young adult, though, I blacked out all the time. I was the blackout girl, the one at every party who drank too much, never knew when to say no, and called you the next day asking you to tell me what happened the night before. I awoke many times to my first thoughts being Where the hell am I? How did I get here? and Where is my car? So I guess the books title is fitting for the story. Just dont expect me to respond to Hey, Blackout Girl! if you see me on the street now.

Before you read further, I want to define blackout in my own terms for you, because there are many misperceptions about it. Many people think blacking out and passing out are interchangeable terms. They are not. Passing out is something you do when you are extremely tired and your body just gives out and you fall asleep, or when you have drunk so much, taken so many pills, or done so many drugs that you pass out from thempassing out being a sleeping state.

Blacking out is totally different. Blacking out occurs when you lose conscious thought, control over motion and time. Blacking out usually occurs when a person drinks way too much, is deeply traumatized, or has some medical condition. Merriam-Websters Collegiate Dictionary defines the verb black out in several ways, but these two I feel are the most applicable definitions: to become enveloped in darkness or to undergo a temporary loss of vision, consciousness, or memory.

The vast difference is that when a person is in a blackout, he or she can very well be wide awake. He can be talking, granted, sometimes slurring and not making much sense, but talking nonetheless. She can be moving, driving, dancing. The person can be in motion of some kind but without the cognitive reasoning behind the actions or the ability to control them. And in many cases, that person cannot and will not remember any of it afterward. A blackout may also involve totally losing consciousness. I have had varying experiences, but regardless of how they took form, whether I was out cold and motionless or crazy in motion, they were all blackouts. I should know, because I have had many.

My first blackout came the first time I drank. I drank a lot, too much, and I blacked out, leaving me with a dark, empty space in my mind where the memory should have been. Other times, I would be left with bits and pieces of a memory. It was like a film playing in my head that felt sort of familiar, as though maybe I had seen it before, but some of the scenes had been switched around or edited out altogether.

Or you might say its like opening an old jigsaw puzzle, dumping the contents on the table, and finding there are only five pieces of the 100-piece puzzle. And when you check the front of the box to see what the picture is supposed to be, it is too worn to make out.

To this day, I still have many memories that are shattered, with pieces lying throughout my past, whether in other memories or buried deep within myself. I am still trying to fit some of those pieces into place. Many are lost and I will never have complete pictures or full recollections of some of the events in my past. You will not read any lengthy conversations in this book, because there is no way for me to recall that level of detail for the past experiences I had when I was under the influence.

Because I wanted this book to be as rigorously honest as possible, certain details arent here simply because of the blackout factor. Everything you read in the following pages is true to the best of my recollection and perception of events in my life, without exaggeration or embellishment. I have changed many names to protect those who have crossed my path; however, I have not altered the facts I know in any way.

This is my life as I have experienced and remember it. To put it mildly, I have lived a very colorful life in my thirty-some years on the planet. I feel blessed for all I have seen and grateful to be alive to tell my stories. Writing this book has helped me collect a couple of those missing memory pieces, and I am thankful to be in a position to share them with you.

Acknowledgments

I WISH TO THANK MY FATHER, who did the best job he could raising me and providing for me. Your love and support throughout the years have enabled me to become the person I am today. I thank you and love you so much. You are my hero. To my stepmother, who has been an angel to me and in many ways saved me, I cherish and love you. My brothers Brian and Jimmy for providing me with constant laughter and unconditional love and support. I love you both so much. To my sponsor, who is truly a daily reflection of me. You are my mentor, my big sister, and my best friend. I love you! To Danaca Clark for your amazing unconditional love and support of me throughout the years. You are such a blessing in my life. To my niece, Cheyanne, who serves as the other daily reflection of me. You are my angel eyes; I adore you! To Dawn Junk, who provided me with the encouragement and space to write much of this book, I thank you for that and so much more.

My Roma, my best friend, my partner, and my love. Thank you!

To my amazing staff and board who have supported me unconditionally, thank you for all that you have given me. To all my friends along the wayyou have each touched my life in very special ways. I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you. I have learned so much through my interactions with each of you. I carry a piece of those experiences with me daily, and they are interwoven into the very fabric of who I am today. Thank you and peace be with you.