Jennifer Storm - Awakening Blackout Girl: A Survivors Guide for Healing from Addiction and Sexual Trauma

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012

hazelden.org/bookstore

2020 by Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America

No part of this publication, either print or electronic, may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Storm, Jennifer, 1975- author.

Awakening blackout girl : a survivors guide for healing from addiction and sexual trauma / Jennifer Storm.

Center City : Hazelden Publishing, 2020. | Includes bibliographical references.

LCCN 2020022091 (print) | LCCN 2020022092 (ebook) | ISBN 9781616499037 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781616499044 (ebook)

LCSH: Resilience (Personality trait)Juvenile literature. | Sexual abuseJuvenile literature. | Substance abuseJuvenile literature.

LCC BF723.R46 S67 2020 (print) | LCC BF723.R46 (ebook) | DDC 362.76/4dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020022091

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020022092

Editors notes:

This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.

Readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read.

Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.

Hazelden Publishing offers a variety of information on addiction and related areas. The views and interpretations expressed herein are those of the author and are neither endorsed nor approved by AA or any Twelve Step organization.

Cover design: Theresa Jaeger Gedig

Interior design: Terri Kinne

Typesetter: Jessica Ess, Hillspring Books

Developmental editor: Heather Silsbee

Editorial project manager: Betty Christiansen

The biggest threat is a girl with a book.

Madame Gandhi, The Future Is Female

SLEEP IS A DEFENSELESS STATE. No one understands the truth of this more than those who have been sexually traumatized. In an attempt to avoid recurring nightmares and subvert intrusive flashbacks, many females with trauma histories turn to alcohol and benzodiazepines; many develop substance use disorders as a result. While males account for the majority of misused medications in our country, this is not true for the category of sedatives. There are several psychological and physiological barriers to vulnerability after surviving sexual violence. A blackout is the stuff of such barriers. Awakening Blackout Girl by Jennifer Storm goes beyond simply breaking barriers down; its about doing the more difficult and sustaining work of building something better in its place.

A blackout is a primitive and powerful survival mechanism. It can precede sleep onset to protect our respiratory drive from continued consumption of central nervous system depressants (alcohol, Xanax, heroin). Blackouts can also function to preserve our psychological drives, our ability to think and exist while surviving the unthinkable, in the case of sexual trauma. The author reminds us that the survival mode is a natural response to an unnatural occurrence; the situational must not become sustainable. There is a danger in surrendering to detachment from conscious work that is inherent in Storms call to action of awakening the girl from blackout. She argues for recovery through engagement and examination, acknowledging that self-awareness is her greatest tool.

Dissociation is symptomatic of surviving sexual trauma. Storm writes, It becomes easier for us to detach from our bodies and surrender our ownership or autonomy than it is to try to reclaim it. Through a series of exercises and meditations, Storm empowers her readers in an active process of self-discovery. This allows for the development of a healthy sense of autonomy and reattachment to the self and the world. Ultimately, these tools can be used to cultivate the much-needed space for intimacy and connection.

Accessing vulnerability involves work and choice. Storm suggests, I can put up emotional walls like a talented mason. Yet she acknowledges that addiction is only one form of concrete. For those struggling with trauma, sobriety is not a singular solution. Storm compassionately confronts the limitations of present addiction treatment for addressing violent pasts. She notes, But there was a huge step missing for those of us with histories of victimization: how do we process the wrongs others had committed against us? The question is not rhetorical. Consistent with her theory that love is an action, Storm answers her own question through the act of this books loving and courageous creationan extraordinary gift for our patients.

Kristen Schmidt, MD

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation

Dr. Kristen Schmidt is a board-certified addiction psychiatrist at the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation who usesand advocates fora trauma-informed approach to addiction treatment that takes into account the different ways patients experience the symptoms of trauma.

IN THE YEARS SINCE I PUBLISHED my first book, Blackout Girl, I have been in total awe of the number of people whom my story has touched in some way. I have received hundreds of emails from people expressing gratitude for how my story has helped them heal. There is no greater gift than to receive such accolades, especially because writing Blackout Girl was an effort to share my story with those who need to hear it most and to continue my personal healing process. With this book, I want to go further. I want to share all I have learned on my recovery journey so far and, most important, how you too can awaken to a life beyond your wildest dreams. Ill tell you what has helped me so you can find what will help you. Why am I qualified to offer you advice? As youll discover, Im far from perfect. But I have been where you are. I have struggled and made mistakes, and I have ultimately managed to find an incredibly fulfilling life of healing and advocacy. I want you to have that too.

I was raped for the first time when I was twelve years old and then twice more as a teenager. Those experiences, combined with other personal and family traumas, led me to turn to alcohol, marijuana, and eventually crack in an attempt to escape my life and my feelings. Throughout my teenage and young adult years, I attempted to find control in self-harm, disordered eating, and partying until I blacked out. I had so much pain dwelling inside me that I, consciously and subconsciously, decided that it was much better to stay in denial, blacked out, asleep, and unaware of my surroundings than to even consider looking into that darkness. Then, in 1997, I watched my mother die after a long battle with cancer. By that time, I thought I had become a master packer of my emotionsI kept all of my victimization and trauma locked securely inside the places I built for them. But my mothers death was one traumatic experience too many. My emotions spilled out in the form of a brutal suicide attempt.

When I woke up in the hospital the next day, I finally realized I needed serious help. The doctors recommended inpatient addiction treatment, and I agreed to go. The treatment center I went to was amazing, and I learned so much from the staff and the other women there. At the same time, it was not trauma informed. During my intake, they asked if I had ever been sexually assaulted, and I answered yes. That answer meant I was immediately assigned to the all-womens unitnothing more and nothing less. I guess back then, being a survivor of sexual violence just meant you couldnt be around anyone of a different gender. That felt odd to me at the time, but I had much bigger issues to contend with and didnt have the energy to really question the decision. I just wanted to stay alive another day.