Terrance Dean - Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry—from Music to Hollywood

If it werent for blacks, Jews, and gays, there would be no Oscars.

Ellen DeGeneres,
Host of the 2007 Oscars, opening monologue

It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody elses life with perfection.

Bhagavad Gita

ONE OF THE MOST invigorating things to do at least once in your life is to drive across the country and take in the wonderful views of the great ole U.S.A. I fell in love with life all over again after witnessing some of the most beautiful skylines spread throughout Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Arizona.

It took us two days to drive to Los Angeles from Nashville, Tennessee. I was so excited that the long drive didnt bother me. It was me and my boy, Jacob, from North Carolina.

I was thrilled to be out in the world, seeing the green and brown land, and looking at the blue sky. I was twenty-eight and just released from a correctional facility in Nashville. I spent eight months in prison for stealing a car and was released early on parole for good behavior.

I stole the car years earlier while I was in college in Nashville, and the judge put me on probation. I wasnt supposed to leave the state without permission, but as soon as I graduated from college I hightailed it out of Nashville, and became a fugitive on the run for several years.

The first place I went to was Washington, D.C., where I started working in television production, and then later I went to Wilmington, North Carolina, where I met my boy, Jacob. It was in Wilmington where I was caught and extradited back to Nashville to serve my prison time.

But when I first arrived in D.C., after college, I was broke and sleeping on the living room floor of a friend. I was desperate to make my communications degree work for me. I was fortunate to land an internship with CNN, which I liked. I found what I was meant to be doing. I discovered something that brought me joy, and it was working in television. What so many search their entire life for, I found early.

When I went to work each day at CNN, it was magical. I spent four years in college trying to figure out what I wanted to do, so I felt like the luckiest person in the world to have discovered my passion, something that gave me a purpose. After being there a few weeks, I decided that I wanted to become a producer. They were in control and handled business. People respected them, and I liked the title because it seemed to have prestige attached to it.

I couldnt have asked to get better training for it, either. I was working with the most prestigious news network in the world. I was going places. I became a sponge and soaked up every piece of knowledge about television that I could. I asked questions, I volunteered to do things, and I stood out. I was on a mission to make it in the entertainment world.

After my release from prison I was a free man, but I had a record. I was tarnished. My squeaky-clean record now had a felony conviction on it. In the real world my chances of finding a decent job and making decent money would be even more difficult. With a felony, I knew I couldnt work for a bank or any financial institution. Not even most corporate companies would hire me. I couldnt become a teacher or work for any government agency. My list of options was very short.

But I discovered that in the entertainment industry many people had felony convictions. Many people were criminals. The very thing I loved the most was a saving grace for my life.

In the world of Hip Hop, the more adversity in ones life, the more street credibility earned. And with street cred comes your playing card: dropping out of school to make money (gold card), selling drugs (platinum card), jail term (titanium card), getting shot (the almighty, invite-only black card). Id been to prison so surely I would be accepted, no questions. Hip Hop artists usually fall into one or even several of these categories.

Now that I was working in the entertainment industry, I didnt worry about my livelihood. I could make money doing something I loved to do. Besides, I didnt have to explain or tell anyone about my criminal past. No one asked. There were no applications to fill out and no human resources department to do criminal background checks. So there was no need to be fingerprinted or provide my social security number.

Being in the clear and not feeling limited, I worked on movie production sets, learning everything I could. I was moving quickly up the ranks from production intern to production assistant to production coordinator. I was on my way toward my goal of becoming a film producer. My name was spreading among production crews because I had a great work ethic. I didnt mind the long hours and going above and beyond my job duties. I wanted this. I needed it. And the hard work paid off with a plethora of job offers.

Jacob and I kept in touch while I was locked up, so I called him as soon as I got out. I had to find out what was going on in the industry and if anyone was talking about me. I had developed a name for myself and I didnt want my arrest to prevent me from moving up in my career. I was determined to make it in entertainment. This was the only thing I knew and I didnt want to lose it.

Jacob was a real cool brother who didnt pass judgment on anybody so I knew I could trust him. He was a down low brother, like myself. Although we had girlfriends and slept with women, we also liked sleeping with men. The women were unaware of our lifestyle.

Jacob let me stay at his condo with him in North Carolina. The place was right off the beach, and it was laid out beautifully. Jacob had very nice taste, and his condo was a reflection of itbig-screen televisions, plush leather furniture, and queen-size beds in each of the three bedrooms. He was making some serious money as a soundman in North Carolina.

He was also one of those brothers who everybody loved, with the nicest disposition and kindest heart. Whatever you asked of him, he would go to great lengths to help you. When I got locked up, he just packed up all my things and put them in his basement. I was very grateful for his kindness and willingness to stick by me.

Jacob, whats going on? What are people saying about me? I asked nervously when I called. I had been gone for nearly a year.