Arthur Smith - My Name is Daphne Fairfax

CONTENTS

About the Book

My name is Arthur Smith, unless theres anybody here from the Streatham tax office. In which case, Im Daphne Fairfax. This has been Arthurs opening line at hundreds of stand-up comedy performances. In fact, he is neither Daphne nor Arthur. Friends and family know him as Brian.

One of the alternative comedians who shook up light entertainment in the eighties and nineties, Arthur (and Brian) is also a broadcaster, an opening bat for Grumpy Old Men, a West End playwright (his plays include An Evening with Gary Lineker) and a guest on innumerable radio and TV panel shows.

About the Author

Arthur lives in South London with his beautiful partner Beth and is the mayor of Balham (self-proclaimed). He is still seen on the stages around Britain and at the Edinburgh Festival where he has been reviled, revered and arrested. In 2007 he won the Spirit of the Fringe award and if you want to know any more about me you can buy the sodding book .

For Paddy Moxom and her parents, Mrs Logan and Clare Creasey

PREFATORY NOTES

1. When I mentioned to my friend Grub that I was thinking of writing a memoir he encouraged me grandly: You must, Arthur. It is time to erect your monument. My nephew Jamess comment was, Oh God, thats just what the world needs another celebrity autobiography. I have tried to bear in mind both these reactions.

2. There are numerous bouts of heavy-duty name-dropping throughout the book and for those readers with a low tolerance for this pastime I have signalled their approach with the letters NdA (Name-dropping ahead).

3. I have noticed in other books of this ilk that there is a lot of talk about setting the record straight. Such record as exists of my own activities I do not consider to be especially wonky so there will be none of that here.

4. Having sent the relevant sections to some of those I have written about, I have learned that people can be extremely touchy. A few names have, accordingly, been changed and a couple of characters excised completely.

5. There are four chapter ones and here is the first

CHAPTER 1. FACTS ABOUT MYSELF

MY FULL NAME is Brian Arthur John Smith. I am 4ft 11ins tall and weigh about six stone. I have curly hair, glasses but nothing else unusual. I have dark brown hair and hazel eyes. I have scars on both my kneecaps. I am slightly above average height. I am skinny and wiry.

There is an agreeable solidity about the procession of biographical details, the facts about myself which march by in my first autobiography, a school project undertaken at the age of twelve. It is the literary equivalent of an establishing shot.

Let me then record all this now, forty-two years on. My full name is Brian Arthur John Smith but, as you will learn if you continue reading, and as the title of this book suggests, I have other names too. I am six feet and a quarter of an inch tall, although you wouldnt think so as I am a lifelong sloucher, noted in print for my simian gait. I weigh about eleven stone. I am above average height. I am skinny and might be called wiry by someone trying to avoid using the word skinny. The little hair I have is grey and, in my own mind at least, has a provocative hint of the curly mass it once was.

Following an operation for cataracts in my eyes, I am now long-rather than short-sighted, so I use reading glasses. I have hazel eyes, although, as I write this, I realise I have never been entirely sure what colour hazel is is it the same as a hazelnut? I cannot recall the last time I was asked the colour of my eyes but, if ever I am, I will surely say hazel, because now, as then, it makes me think of Hazel, my mother. Beth says I have green eyes, like two big olives.

One of those scars on my kneecap is still visible and has been supplemented by another permanent triangular blemish on my elbow, sustained in a misguided attempt to carry a large woman across a gravel car park while drunk.

I live with my two brothers and two parents. The younger, Nicholas (7), goes to Kidbrooke Park School. The oldest, Richard (14), goes to this school (Roan). My father is a policeman. My mother is training to be a teacher, at Avery Hill. My house is semi-detached and has a garden. It is about the right size. I take size four in shoes.

The age difference between my brothers and myself remains the same. The younger, Nick (49), works for the Charity Commission as a civil servant. Richard (56) was the editor of the British Medical Journal and now works part-time for an American medical company. Both are married with three children. My father, known to all, including his sons and grandchildren, as Syd, is dead, and my mother lives alone in Tonbridge. My house, now our house, known technically as a maisonette, is on the ground floor of a huge block of 1930s flats and has a tiny garden. It is about the right size, although Beth would like an additional toilet, especially since the one we have is in the bathroom. I take size nine on my left foot and ten on my right. Or possibly its the other way round.

I do not share a bedroom but I did until two weeks ago when I swapped with my elder brother. My father has an ancient black crock of a car. I have between 2s 6d and 3s 6d.

I had not shared a bed on a full-time basis for fifteen years until five years ago when Beth moved in with me. I remember that black crock, and if I were the type of man who had any interest in cars I would no doubt remember the make. It broke down less often than previous models but, despite vigorous scrubbing, stank of petrol and had a back seat that was wet the day Syd bought it and, inexplicably, never dried. I became accustomed to the sensation of arriving in places with a damp patch on the back of my shorts. I have about forty thousand pounds more if we sold the house. When I hit sixty my pension will provide me with about ten pounds a week.

I live about one and a quarter miles from school and walk there and back every day. The journey takes me about thirty minutes. It takes me about an hour from getting up to setting off. I have a medium-sized breakfast but often a big one. Overall I like school but I dont like getting up at the ridiculous hour of 7.15.

I am currently writing this at home, so the journey to work is a few seconds, but it still seems to take me about an hour and a half from getting up to starting work. I have a medium-sized breakfast but often a big one. Since I now have diabetes I try to go easy on the sugar. I still dont like getting up at the ridiculous hour of 7.15. Avoiding early starts was one of my big early ambitions, one that I have, by and large, fulfilled.

I am left half for the school football team and I also like running, swimming, cricket and putting. I am a big head. My favourite hobbies are stamp collecting, reading, writing and many other things.

I continued to play football until I reached my forties, when ninety minutes became longer and longer until, one knackered evening, I deposited my football boots in a plastic bag outside a charity shop on the way to the pub. I hike in the country, run a little and go swimming in the sea or Tooting Lido if its hot. In my capacity as captain of the Dusty Fleming International Hair Stylists XI, I still play the odd game of cricket in summer but I no longer putt and, if asked, quote Barry Cryer: I dont play golf I like women. Sometimes I am a stand-up comic and they dont come much more big-headed than that. My stamp album is lost but my favourite hobbies are reading, writing and many other things.

My father is a big man with a big nose. He is a policeman. At work, I think he is considered a bit of a laugh. Hes practically held together by cups of tea