Ursula Le Guin - The Wave in the Mind

Written in the early nineties as a performance piece, performed a couple of times, and slightly updated for this volume.

I am a man. Now you may think Ive made some kind of silly mistake about gender, or maybe that Im trying to fool you, because my first name ends in a, and I own three bras, and Ive been pregnant five times, and other things like that that you might have noticed, little details. But details dont matter. If we have anything to learn from politicians its that details dont matter. I am a man, and I want you to believe and accept this as a fact, just as I did for many years.

You see, when I was growing up at the time of the Wars of the Medes and Persians and when I went to college just after the Hundred Years War and when I was bringing up my children during the Korean, Cold, and Vietnam Wars, there were no women. Women are a very recent invention. I predate the invention of women by decades. Well, if you insist on pedantic accuracy, women have been invented several times in widely varying localities, but the inventors just didnt know how to sell the product. Their distribution techniques were rudimentary and their market research was nil, and so of course the concept just didnt get off the ground. Even with a genius behind it an invention has to find its market, and it seemed like for a long time the idea of women just didnt make it to the bottom line. Models like the Austen and the Bront were too complicated, and people just laughed at the Suffragette, and the Woolf was way too far ahead of its time.

So when I was born, there actually were only men. People were men. They all had one pronoun, his pronoun; so thats who I am. I am the generic he, as in, If anybody needs an abortion he will have to go to another state, or A writer knows which side his bread is buttered on. Thats me, the writer, him. I am a man.

Not maybe a first-rate man. Im perfectly willing to admit that I may be in fact a kind of second-rate or imitation man, a Pretend-a-Him. As a him, I am to a genuine male him as a microwaved fish stick is to a whole grilled Chinook salmon. I mean, after all, can I inseminate? Can I belong to the Bohemian Club? Can I run General Motors? Theoretically I can, but you know where theory gets us. Not to the top of General Motors, and on the day when a Radcliffe woman is president of Harvard University you wake me up and tell me, will you? Only you wont have to, because there arent any more Radcliffe women; they were found to be unnecessary and abolished. And then, I cant write my name with pee in the snow, or it would be awfully laborious if I did. I cant shoot my wife and children and some neighbors and then myself. Oh to tell you the truth I cant even drive. I never got my license. I chickened out. I take the bus. That is terrible. I admit it, I am actually a very poor imitation or substitute man, and you could see it when I tried to wear those army surplus clothes with ammunition pockets that were trendy and I looked like a hen in a pillowcase. I am shaped wrong. People are supposed to be lean. You cant be too thin, everybody says so, especially anorexics. People are supposed to be lean and taut, because thats how men generally are, lean and taut, or anyhow thats how a lot of men start out and some of them even stay that way. And men are people, people are men, that has been well established, and so people, real people, the right kind of people, are lean. But Im really lousy at being people, because Im not lean at all but sort of podgy, with actual fat places. I am untaut. And then, people are supposed to be tough. Tough is good. But Ive never been tough. Im sort of soft and actually sort of tender. Like a good steak. Or like Chinook salmon, which isnt lean and tough but very rich and tender. But then salmon arent people, or anyhow we have been told that they arent, in recent years. We have been told that there is only one kind of people and they are men. And I think it is very important that we all believe that. It certainly is important to the men.

What it comes down to, I guess, is that I am just not manly. Like Ernest Hemingway was manly. The beard and the guns and the wives and the little short sentences. I do try. I have this sort of beardoid thing that keeps trying to grow, nine or ten hairs on my chin, sometimes even more; but what do I do with the hairs? I tweak them out. Would a man do that? Men dont tweak. Men shave. Anyhow white men shave, being hairy, and I have even less choice about being white or not than I do about being a man or not. I am white whether I like being white or not. The doctors can do nothing for me. But I do my best not to be white, I guess, under the circumstances, since I dont shave. I tweak. But it doesnt mean anything because I dont really have a real beard that amounts to anything. And I dont have a gun and I dont have even one wife and my sentences tend to go on and on and on, with all this syntax in them. Ernest Hemingway would have died rather than have syntax. Or semicolons. I use a whole lot of half-assed semicolons; there was one of them just now; that was a semicolon after semicolons, and another one after now.

And another thing. Ernest Hemingway would have died rather than get old. And he did. He shot himself. A short sentence. Anything rather than a long sentence, a life sentence. Death sentences are short and very, very manly. Life sentences arent. They go on and on, all full of syntax and qualifying clauses and confusing references and getting old. And that brings up the real proof of what a mess I have made of being a man: I am not even young. Just about the time they finally started inventing women, I started getting old. And I went right on doing it. Shamelessly. I have allowed myself to get old and havent done one single thing about it, with a gun or anything.

What I mean is, if I had any real self-respect wouldnt I at least have had a face-lift or some liposuction? Although liposuction sounds to me like what they do a lot of on TV when they are young or youngish, though not when they are old, and when one of them is a man and the other a woman, though not under any other circumstances. What they do is, this young or youngish man and woman take hold of each other and slide their hands around on each other and then they perform liposuction. You are supposed to watch them while they do it. They move their heads around and flatten out their mouth and nose on the other persons mouth and nose and open their mouths in different ways, and you are supposed to feel sort of hot or wet or something as you watch. What I feel is like Im watching two people doing liposuction, and this is why they finally invented women? Surely not.