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Smith Kevin - Tough sh*t : life advice from a fat, lazy slob who did good

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Smith Kevin Tough sh*t : life advice from a fat, lazy slob who did good
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Tough sh*t : life advice from a fat, lazy slob who did good: summary, description and annotation

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Profane, honest, and totally real advice from comedian and director Kevin Smith - one of Americas most original voicesTake one look at Kevin Smith: Hes a balding fatty who wears a size XXL hockey jersey, shorts, and slippers year-round. Not a likely source for life advice. But take a second look at Kevin Smith: He changed film making forever when he was twenty-four with the release of Clerks, and since then has gone on to make nine more profitable movies, runs his own production company, wrote a bestselling graphic novel, and has a beautiful wife and kids. So he must be doing something right. As Kevins millions of Twitter followers and millions of podcast listeners know, hes the first one to admit his flaws and the last one to care about them. In early 2011, he began using his platform to answer big questions from fans-like What should I do with my life?--And he discovered that he had a lot to say. Tough Sh*t distills his four decades of breaking all the rules down to direct and brutally honest advice, including:Why he has accepted Ferris Bueller as his personal savior, and what the Tenets of Buellerism can teach about hiding in plain sight and lip-syncing in the face of dangerWhy its really fun to eat but not so fun to be fatWhat to do about people who dont like your policies (for starters, tell them to pucker up and smooch your big ol butt)What Kevins idol Wayne Gretzky can teach us about creativity and directionFor anyone whos out of a job, out of luck, or just out of sugary snack foods, Tough Sh*t is an unabashedly honest guide to getting the most out of doing the least. Read more...
Abstract: Profane, honest, and totally real advice from comedian and director Kevin Smith - one of Americas most original voicesTake one look at Kevin Smith: Hes a balding fatty who wears a size XXL hockey jersey, shorts, and slippers year-round. Not a likely source for life advice. But take a second look at Kevin Smith: He changed film making forever when he was twenty-four with the release of Clerks, and since then has gone on to make nine more profitable movies, runs his own production company, wrote a bestselling graphic novel, and has a beautiful wife and kids. So he must be doing something right. As Kevins millions of Twitter followers and millions of podcast listeners know, hes the first one to admit his flaws and the last one to care about them. In early 2011, he began using his platform to answer big questions from fans-like What should I do with my life?--And he discovered that he had a lot to say. Tough Sh*t distills his four decades of breaking all the rules down to direct and brutally honest advice, including:Why he has accepted Ferris Bueller as his personal savior, and what the Tenets of Buellerism can teach about hiding in plain sight and lip-syncing in the face of dangerWhy its really fun to eat but not so fun to be fatWhat to do about people who dont like your policies (for starters, tell them to pucker up and smooch your big ol butt)What Kevins idol Wayne Gretzky can teach us about creativity and directionFor anyone whos out of a job, out of luck, or just out of sugary snack foods, Tough Sh*t is an unabashedly honest guide to getting the most out of doing the least

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Tough Sh*t

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Tough Sh*t

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K E V I N S M I T H

Picture 4

G O T H A M B O O K S

GOTHAM BOOKS

Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.); Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England; Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd); Penguin Group Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd); Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi110 017, India; Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd); Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices:
80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Published by Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First printing, March 2012

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Copyright 2012 by Kevin Smith

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Gotham Books and the skyscraper logo
are trademarks of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Smith, Kevin, 1970
Tough sh*t : life advice from a fat, lazy slob who did good / Kevin Smith.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-101-55424-1

1. Smith, Kevin, 1970- 2. Motion picture producers and directors
United StatesBiography. 3. ScreenwritersUnited States
Biography. I. Title. II. Title: Tough shit.
PN1998.3.S5864A3 2012
791.430233092dc23

[B] 2011047663

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity.
In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers;
however, the story, the experiences, and the words
are the authors alone.

ALWAYS LEARNING

PEARSON

Like its author, this book is dedicated to Jen Schwalbachthe gorgeous mother of my child, the seductive temptress who keeps me faithful, and the friend Ive always had the most fun with. My best friend, even.

Also quite like its author, this book is additionally dedicated to Jen Schwalbachs asshole.

Everything above also applies here, obviously, except the mother of my child part: Referencing my kid and my wifes brown-eye in the same sentiment might come off as crude or something.

Picture 5

(And have a heart: Please dont go telling my kid you read in her old mans book that shes some kinda Butt-Baby. Shes gonna have a hard enough time as it is being Silent Bobs kidthe daughter of the Too Fat to Fly guy.

Also: Please dont tell my daughter I dedicated the book to her mothers sphincter. Thatd be weird.)

Picture 6
CONTENTS

Whatchoo Talkin bout, Willis? And Other Shit It
Took Me Twenty Years to Figure Out

When the Shit Hit the Fan:
Red State, Part I

The Glowing Shit That Was in the Briefcase:
Red State, Part III

Picture 7
CHAPTER ONE
___________________
Lets Get This Shit Started!

I am a product of Don Smiths balls.

Thats important to establish and acknowledge right off the bat, not only because it makes what Ive accomplished in life seem even cooler, but also because Dads balls have been, to my way of thinking, too rarely celebrated. Unless you count whatever attention Mom threw their way, I dont feel theyve gotten their proper due for their part in what became of me. And shes certainly never hailed his nuts in print, so this right here is a real coup for the Smiths of 21 Jackson Street, Highlands, New Jersey. Though if you could ask my father, hed likely admit that while having his balls in print is flattering, having his balls in my mothers mouth was way better.

People need to be regularly reminded that they began as cum. Not to diminish or cut em down to sizequite the contrary: I tell people they were cum once as a gesture of my awe at their very existence and to pat em on the back. There are no losers in life because every one of us who is born is a huge fucking winner.

Chew on this: When I was in film school, there was this specious statistic floating around stating there were more film school students than law school students. That was one massive pool of wannabes whod have to bottleneck into a souvenir teacup full of opportunities waiting on the other end of the rainbow. Breaking into the movie business? Dont worry, Capn Solo; even C-3PO cant calculate those odds. Might as well try to navigate an asteroid field.

And thats what people congratulate you for: the fact that yousimple, normal youcracked the code and got into the club. You get to see your name in lights and somehow thats impressive. I remind these people that my most impressive accomplishmentlike theirs (and yours, dear reader)is that we beat out billions of tough competitors for the job of a lifetime. Motherfuck being the Sundance flavor of the month; being the sole product of that careless cumshot my old man somehow kept in my mom is akin to beating the Kurgan and becoming the Highlander. There can be only one (aside from twins, triplets, quadruplets, and quintsthe monsters and freaks of the baby world). Whenever someone tells me Im fat, I tell em I wasnt always: Apparently, at one point in my life, I was fit enough to out-swim a legion of sperm. And now, like any past-their-prime athlete, Im enjoying the good life: I hoisted my Cup already, so at this point, fuck off and lemme enjoy bacon and brownies (maybe even together).

You beat sock drawers full of dead cum that didnt have a chance coming out the gate. The odds that you wound up in an egg instead of a paper towel? Astronomically against you.

Some might have considered Don Smiths balls mere mute witnesses in my fathers masturbatory war against his dick, but not Grace Schultz. My mom saw the potential in my dads balls. She didnt see her unborn children in his eyes, she saw them outlined in the nooks and crannies of his testicles. And of all the wads my father busted during his too-short stay in this sector of the galaxy, I wound up in the moneyshot. And more than that, I didnt get burned to virtual death like Anakin Skywalker on the lava shores of Moms nethers. I am, you am we

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