Sarah Kurchak - I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder

I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder

Sarah Kurchak

A Memoir

Copyright 2020 Sarah Kurchak

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior permission of the publisher or, in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from Access Copyright, .

Douglas and McIntyre (2013) Ltd.

P.O. Box 219, Madeira Park, BC , V 0 N 2 H 0

www.douglas-mcintyre.com

Pillow Fight League photos at top of page vii by Chris Blanchenot. All other photos courtesy of the Kurchak family.

Edited by Pam Robertson

Cover design by Anna Comfort OKeeffe

Text design by Brianna Cerkiewicz

Dingbat designed by Freepik

Printed and bound in Canada

Printed on 100 % recycled paper

Douglas and McIntyre (2013) Ltd. acknowledges the support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Government of Canada, and the Province of British Columbia through the BC Arts Council.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Title: I overcame my autism and all I got was this lousy anxiety disorder : a memoir / Sarah Kurchak.

Names: Kurchak, Sarah, 1982- author.

Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20190232234 | Canadiana (ebook) 20190232277 | ISBN 9781771622462 (softcover) | ISBN 9781771622479 ( HTML )

Subjects: LCSH : Kurchak, Sarah, 1982- | LCSH : Autistic peopleCanadaBiography. | LCGFT : Autobiographies.

Classification: LCC RC 553. A 88 K 87 2020 | DDC 616.89/820092dc23

To Ethel, George, Isobel and Ted (I think you all knew how desperately I wanted to do this when you were still around to see it. I know you didnt need to see it to be proud of me.)

So

I do not speak for all autistic people. I will not try to. I do not want to. I wish to be a voice/face of autism in a much greater, more nuanced and diverse conversation, not the voice or face of autism.

I dont think that autism is easy. I do not think that its just a quirk. Im not arguing for greater acceptance of and support for autistic people because I think that autism is not a big deal. Im asking for those things because I know it can be a very big deal, indeed. And that, if it is a big deal to me, it is probably a big or bigger deal to many other autistic people.

It is true that I have certain advantages in life that many autistic people do not. I can speak. Some people think that I can write. I have low support needs. People who point out that these advantages will influence how I experience autism and the world arent wrong. But I would argue that they dont go far enough. I believe that its also important to acknowledge that Im white and cisgender. Race, gender, class, sexuality and disability can influence autistic peoples lives and perspectives every bit as much as our support needs do.

While I realize that the world treats me differently than many of my fellow autistic people, I do not think I am better than any other autistic person. And I will always push back against any suggestion that I am.

I am constantly thinking about the diversity of autistic people when I write. I am aware ofor at least constantly working on expanding my understanding ofthe limits of my perspective and desperately want to be respectful of that. I dont make many sweeping statements about all autistic people. When I say many autistic people or some autistic people I mean many or some. Because we are all different. And I cant speak for everyone.

The only thing I will say about all autistic people is that we are all human beings and deserve to be treated as such. Everything else is as different and complicated and nuanced as we are.

While I dont want to presume that I can or should speak for all autistic people, though, I dont want to assume that I cant offer any other autistic people anything, either. There are similarities in many of our experiences as well as differences. I want to offer perspectives and insights that might be of some use to other autistic people. And I have at least some evidence that I can do that. Autistic people of many different support needs, races, genders, sexualities and circumstances have told me that my work has some value for them. I think about that when I write, too.

I do not speak for all autistic people. I will not try to. I do not want to. I wish to be a voice/face of autism in a much greater, more nuanced, and diverse conversation, not the voice or face of autism.

To anyone who might be suspicious of my motives or my qualifications to write about autism at all: I do not speak for all autistic people. I will not try to. I do not want to. This is always on my mind when Im writing. But many autistic people of different identities and different support needs have told me that I speak to them. Please keep this in your mind while youre reading.

To my fellow autistic people and our allies: I do not want to speak for you or over you. I have done my best to use my story as a means of highlighting bigger issues and discussions in our world. Please take what you can use from it. Please know that I say none of this to absolve myself from the limitations and possible failures of what I have written. I know its not enough. I know one voice never can be. I just hope its something.

No matter how clearor how repetitiveI try to make myself whenever I try to offer a perspective on autism, people will appear and tell me that I do not and cannot offer the perspective on autism. Often, these readersoften but not always non-autistic parents of autistic childrenwill make other assumptions about my work. Few are rooted in anything Ive actually attempted to say.