Kurt Schlichter - I Am a Liberal: A Conservative’s Guide to Dealing With Nature’s Most Irritating Mistake

I Am a Liberal:

A Conservatives Guide to Dealing With Natures Most Irritating Mistake

By Kurt Schlichter

Text copyright 2012 Kurt Schlichter

Cover Photo and Images 2012 Kurt Schlichter

DEDICATION

Its not a very liberal notion, but I think that people who contributed to this book ought to get credit for their efforts. I dont mean contributed in the sense that they merely existed, as Barack Obama might assert about his workaphobic fan base, but in the sense that these people actually, tangibly contributed. They, in truth, all helped build this.

First, there is hot wife Irina Moises . She put up with this insanity and provided me with love, support and bragging rights among the other guys.

Jack the Hideous Terrier played a role, but it was mostly as a hindrance.

Here are some of the people who helped out proofreading, with ideas or by complaining about stuff until I fixed it: Jon Gabriel ( @ExJon ), Kellie Jane Adan ( @TheKellieJane ), Kim Tabin Mann, Esq. ( @KTabin ), Alex Kauffman ( @alexkauff ), Matt Dawson ( @SaintRPh), Jeremiah Rickert ( @Spassvogel ), Dr. Jason Whitman ( @JasonBWhitman ), Jason Cowan , Leslie Dowd ( @LADowd ), Eric Saker , Jason Hart ( @JasonAHart ), Richard McEnroe , @Dave_USMC , Sara Marie Brenner and Paul Matusak ( @PavelGregory ). If I missed anyone, and I probably did, Im truly sorry.

I also want to thank the Breitbart team, which has been a huge supporter. Andrew, every time I use new media to annoy some pinko half-wit, I know you get a beer in Heaven.

And, of course, I want to thank radio studs Larry OConnor , Tony Katz , Ben Shapiro , John Phillips , Tony Powers and Derek Hunter . Their support brought me to a wider audience at considerable risk to their own careers.

Theres also Hugh Hewitt , who has always been gracious to me (and to my soldiers) since long before I started right-wing writing again in 2009, and who once spent a memorable hour tormenting Andrew Breitbart over not getting a dedication in Andrews final book. While I would never presume that Hugh might care about a dedication from me, Im taking no chances.

Lets not forget Cam Edwards and Cameron Gray of NRA Newss Cam and Company and their audience for their amazing tolerance of a Los Angeles trial lawyer who fully embraces his LA lawyerhood. Plus Fingers Malloy and Thomas LaDuke ( @IrishDuke2 ) of The Snark Factor . Bob Crane lives!

And a special thanks to the amazing @SaltyHollywood for his hard work turning my unfocused vision into the fabulous cover art you see before you. If you are doing an ebook, hes the go-to guy for conservatives who aregraphically challenged. Thanks, Salty!

There were many others whom I may have overlooked. Theyll certainly give me grief about it and Ill probably end up buying a lot of consolation beers. You guys who I did name, well, youre out of luck, suckers.

And, of course, I want to thank every single one of my Twitter followers for hanging in there. You are all caring people, and I mean that in the most cruel and mean-spirited waywhich is how we like it!

Kurt Schlichter

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Preface

Between you and me, I am not really a liberal.

I have a job actually, I have several and I work hard for what I have. I dont owe anyone anything, and I dont believe that anyone owes me anything. In fact, I dont want anyone owing me anything. Once you start thinking people owe you something, the second you actually have something, some other deadbeat will think you owe it to him .

Properly understood, Liberalism is the ideology of either the loser, or the snob who wishes to reign over a nation of losers. Thats pretty much it.

Oh, I want to take a moment to greet any liberals who might have bought this book by mistake. I want to make clear that I reject your most cherished pseudo-values and yearn for the day when your hideous dreams lie smoldering in ruins. On that day, I believe Ill enjoy a Sapphire and tonic using ice cubes made from your tears.

No, there are no refunds.

Now, this is the point where some doofus who reads David Brock and wonders why the slobs in Animal House are the good guys weighs in and starts whining that back in the 19 th Century, liberals were really the free marketers and Adam Smith and blah blah blah

Okay, that what we now know as conservatism used to be known as liberalism (and in Europe sometimes still is) makes for an interesting historical point. No, wait, I lied.

Its not interesting at all.

We have better things to do than nitpick about nomenclature. Liberalism, in America and in this century, is Progressivism. And Progressivism is just the underachieving little brother of Socialism and Fascism. Together with Communism, they make up the dysfunctional Collectivist family.

Its like the Manson Family of political ideologies, except with fewer endearing or redeeming qualities. Well talk more about this later.

Back to the two types of liberals. The less interesting kind is probably the most common. Its the losers. These lay-about whiners simply want the government (headed by the second kind of liberal) to hand over the hard-earned gains of better, more industrious people. They are simply bought and paid-for serfs, trading their political support for a few scraps from the collectivist table.

Oh, guess who not only sets, but also pays for everything on, the collectivist table?

Now, the serfs dont think or know or much care about liberal ideology except to the extent it delivers other peoples stuff to them in some form of government handout or another. Theyd join the Tea Party if they thought wed hand them EBT cards and pay their electric bills so that their big screens running an endless loop of Home Shopping Network and staged dating shows never go black.

The second kind of liberal is less common, but much more dangerous. Its the liberal elitist, and he or she thinks you are not only too stupid to run your own life but are also morally unfit to do so. Thats where he or she steps in.

Though he or she has never run anything , he or she believes he or she is qualified to run everything . And though he or she doesnt actually believe in morals, he or she also believes that he or she has them and you dont.

Remember that not-so-deep-down a liberal elitist is just a would-be petty dictator waiting for the chance to control others' lives. And remember that you are one of those others.

This is why they get all misty over Castro. He gets to do whatever he wants without his subjects interfering. Hes awesome. And if it takes a few million people being exiled, imprisoned, tortured or murdered, so what? To make a progressive omelet you have to crack a few eggs.

Were the eggs.

This book mostly explores these elite liberals and their liberalism. The losers are pretty much self-explanatory, but they also get mocked within these pages. The losers are usually too busy sitting upon their ample rears guzzling Pepsi and handfuls of Count Chocula while staring slack-jawed at Judge Judy to do any harm except on the rare occasions where they manage to locate a photo ID and heft their bloated bodies out of their Section 8 apartments long enough to vote for some rich, white Democrat whose idea of ethnic diversity is having both an El Salvadoran and a Guatemalan maid.

The focus is really on the elitists, the societal nannies and huggy-fascists who believe it is their No-God-given right to infantilize and emasculate us in the name of their utopian vision a utopia that, surprise, places them at the helm. Funny how that works.

Think of I Am a Liberal as a kind of bird watchers handbook, describing its subjects and their habits, except instead of a Black-Crowned Night-Heron were observing pinkos, commies, hippies, occupiers, limo libs, Hollywood tools and other assorted left-wing degenerates. But, like birds, liberals do tend to crap on us.