Lois Beckwith - The Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit: An A to Z Lexicon of Empty, Enraging, and Just Plain Stupid Office Talk

In the confrontation between the river and the rock, the river always wins... not through strength but by perseverance.

Perseverance, Successories

Go over, go under, go around, or go through. But never give up.

Never Give Up, Successories

Introduction

Welcome home. The fact that you bought this bookfor yourself, for someone you love or care about, or, for that matter, for someone you really, really hate with the proverbial intensity of a thousand hot burning sunsis a sign that you have crossed over to the land of those fed up with Corporate Bullshit. Feels so good!

The most important thing for you to know is that you are not alone. The crying jags in the bathroom; the overwhelming sense of injustice, underappreciation, frustration, and duplicity; the impulse to inflict bodily harm on an extremely annoying or undermining coworker or boss, are all deeply familiar, and, in fact, commonplace here. We all feel it. Around the country. Every day. And were mad as hell and were not going to take it anymore.

Much has been written about the pervasive use of corporate buzzwords in business and office culture. At this point, thats kind of an old story. This language was playfully lampooned through the popular Buzzword Bingo game of the late nineties, and most people found this talk ridiculous, bloated, or mildly annoying at worst. But people were making money then, so it was all in good fun. As you probably know: Times have changed.

Not only is corporate bullshit less amusing when paired with a challenging economic climate, but more people than ever before are using more bullshit. A fast fact: It was recently estimated that as many as four out of every five employees use buzzwords to keep up with their colleagues, without having a clue as to what these words mean.

All the language is still there, injected into meaningless marathon meetings, PowerPoint presentations, corporate memos, and feedback from your boss and colleagues, but the fact is that corporate bullshit has taken over, tainting almost every interaction between the citizens of the business world. People have stopped communicating. They have, as you know, stopped talking to each other like normal people.

A new era of corporate bullshit is upon us, and it is far more sinister than the words some Bschool grad, crusty veteran, or dot-com kid can dole out. It goes beyond empty phrases like at the end of the day, a sense of urgency, and on the same page and corrupts words like lunch, celebrate, passion, and commitment, which take on whole new meanings in this environment.

However, the most dangerous element of corporate bullshit is outside the realm of language altogether. This sickness has placed a stranglehold on our culture of work, affecting how we relate to and treat each other. It enables incompetence, iniquity, and frankly, inhumanity. At this point, language is merely the vehicle through which the bullshit is communicated.

About ten years ago I entered the workforce like so many other recent college grads: I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I was optimistic and ambitious, I wanted to work hard and well, and find my place in the professional world. (I was also a lot thinner.)

Needless to say, I got slammedbig-time. I exerted a lot of pointless effort trying to make sense of the completely nonsensical and find logic in a world where up is down and down is up. As they say: If I only knew then what I know now.

Its too late for me, but its probably not for so many of you. Forget The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Spend more time kissing ass, laughing disingenuously, blowing out your hair, and playing golf. And, of course, studying this bookbecause this is how it really works.

For those of you who find yourself with me in the great conference room, the collective town hall of the angry, fed up, and apathetic, I hope youll find comfort in seeing all of this bullshit out there in the open for all to see, and know, once and for all, that youre not crazy.

They are.

Keep the faith,
Lois Beckwith

A

accounts payable 1. department responsible for processing the fulfillment of invoices rendered to a company one of the least glamorous and most underappreciated departments of any organization, as its staff members are seen as merely number-crunchers and paper-pushers; identified by sprawling and depressing cube farms, big calculators, and the palpable sense that the employees there know that no one knows their names and, really, doesnt care, and/or the thought, I went into accounting because I thought it would grant me job security... but this sucks. And PS: Screw these elitist liberal arts grads hounding me for checks. may behave as policy Nazis, due to the fact that any previous deviation from departmental rules (perhaps encouraged by an office flirt) has resulted in serious reprimand and multiple departmental memos 4. a black hole for invoices; when you inquire about the status of an invoice, you will inevitably be met with the uncaring statement that there is no record of it and it must be resubmitted, indicating the need to begin the process all over again, even though your job depends on delivering a check the next day; and, resubmitting means securing sign-off from your boss, who is too busy having lunch at a nice restaurant to approve the payment of a bill. In extreme circumstances you will have to venture to the accounts payable department to physically retrieve an unsigned invoice, check, etc., to ensure payment and the avoidance of the cancellation of a priority contract.

acronym 1. a term formed with some of the letters (often the initials) of a phrase, used as an abbreviation words that are so prevalent in business that people will often string them together with a few articles to form a complete sentence, and worse, not even realize they are doing it. The fact that people constantly ask them to translate what they have just said does not deter them from doing this. terms that are frequently indecipherable to those not in the know (i.e., people who speak plain English), and which therefore serve to alienate them and make them feel stupid. People may enlist the use of acronyms for this very purpose.

action items 1. issues on a meeting agenda that require decisions issues that are classified as such because no one wanted to deal with them/take responsibility for them in the last meeting, that suddenly require vetting, a deep dive, etc., and therefore will be tabled until the next meeting.Also seeparking lot.

actionable 1. giving grounds for legal action thats right, this is a legal term, and doesnt actually mean the things that can be done, as its repeatedly hijacked by the smarty-pants who went to