E. James Wilder - Escaping Enemy Mode

In a time characterized by unprecedented divisiveness and self-promotion at the expense of others, retired Brigadier General Chaplain Ray Woolridge and Dr. Jim Wilder have written a must-read book for every person who seeks to experience more meaningful relationships. The authors insightfully describe the relational problems caused by enemy mode, instruct how to recognize when we are in enemy mode, and give practical advice on how to transform from being stuck in a destructive enemy mode to a life-giving mode that builds engaging community.

JULIANA LESHER, Former National Director of Veterans Affairs Chaplain Service; author of A Heart That Sings for Jesus

For almost everyone, anger and enemies seem everywhere. Which is why its so important that you read this booktoday. I wish Id have known what Jim and Ray share here about enemy mode being a default lifestyle. I started my enemy mode training by hating my father. He bailed on our family when I was two months old. I spent years perfecting being angry at him and others, not knowing or wanting anything to do with loving my enemy. But leave it to a Christian neuroscientist and a West Point General to team up and talk about those enemies we all haveboth in our past and present. Helping us know how to reverse that curse that is swamping our culture and communitiesand ruining our everyday lives. Your marriage, your memories, your relationships with those around you will be stronger and more loving when you understand enemy mode. Especially how there really is an escape clause from adding so many enemies and so much angerin relationally living out Gods love.

JOHN TRENT, Coauthor of The Blessing and Where Do I Go from Here?; president, StrongFamilies.com and TheBlessing.com

Using the wisdom gained from brain science, Escaping Enemy Mode is a breath of fresh air that provides insightful pathways for those seeking to create sustainable peace in their individual life, family, business, and larger community. A must-read for anyone seeking to create life-giving and flourishing spaces for humane connection and healing. I especially recommend this book for churches and organizations invested in peacebuilding initiatives across communities that have been divided by economic, social, and political differences.

JULIA ROBINSON MOORE, Associate Professor of Religious Studies, UNC Charlotte; author of Race, Religion, and the Pulpit: Rev. Robert L. Bradby and the Making of Urban Detroit; cofounder of Moore Grace Ministries

When you understand enemy mode and learn to recognize when you are in it, then you can start practicing how to avoid it. On the street I have often found myself in a rapidly deteriorating exchange with a suspect. One of my best techniques, if I catch things early, is to say, Wait, lets start over. This doesnt have to be adversarial, Im not like those other cops! Whether I agree with the suspects evaluation of what other cops are like is irrelevant, I am forming a bond by acknowledging their reality. Ive learned to recognize pitfalls in myself that will take me into enemy mode in a heartbeat. It is easy to ignore the feelings of others when we have white knight syndrome and are fighting for a worthy cause. It is my hope that by applying the techniques presented in this book you will grab hold of the best version of you, achieve win-win solutions, and strengthen your relationships with those around you.

MIKE BELLER, Assistant Chief of Police, Chamblee, Georgia, and former army ranger

Escaping Enemy Mode is a powerful and desperately needed book. Easiest to address are those unwitting or unintentional times when we shut off relational circuits and harm those we care about. More challenging are the times when we (or friends) allow descent into the destructive behaviors that are increasingly hard to stop. Worst of all are the times when we, or those around us, step into the grip of coldhearted predatory intelligent enemy mode, and act destructively on purpose. Jim and Ray offer winsome and often painfully transparent examples of their own shortfalls, and amazingly hopeful guidance of how to be our best selves who not only prosper in relationships but make the world better. It is an important read.

BILL ATWOOD, Anglican Bishop and author of applied neuroscience books, including The General, The Boy, and Recapturing Joy

Jim Wilder and Ray Woolridge clearly dive into the multidimensional complexity of our natural tendencies toward enemy mode versus fulfilling relationship with others. In todays world, were continually faced with enemy mode in every realm of our existence. With great clarity, Escaping Enemy Mode provides extraordinary, practical action steps to escape the challenges of enemy mode that we encounter and, instead, seek to serve, love, and care for others in our sphere of influence. While we strive to live life by design, and not by default, it is increasingly powerful to return to joy in our daily lives in order that we should endure hardships well and impact the lives of others around us more extraordinarily.

JEFF REETER, Entrepreneur, business leader, speaker, author

2022 by
JIM WILDER & RAY WOOLRIDGE

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from the ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version), copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The ESV text may not be quoted in any publication made available to the public by a Creative Commons license. The ESV may not be translated into any other language.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (CJB) are taken from the Complete Jewish Bible by David H. Stern. Copyright 1998. All rights reserved. Used by permission of Messianic Jewish Publishers, 6120 Day Long Lane, Clarksville, MD 21029. www.messianicjewish.net.

All emphasis in Scripture has been added.

Names and details of some people and stories have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Edited by Amanda Cleary Eastep

Interior design: Brandi Davis

Cover design: Erik M. Peterson

Cover illustration of two heads copyright 2022 by melitas/Shutterstock (1771185044). All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Wilder, Jim, author. | Woolridge, Ray, author.

Title: Escaping enemy mode : how our brains unite or divide us / Jim Wilder and Ray Woolridge.

Description: Chicago : Northfield Publishing, [2022] | Includes bibliographical references. | Summary: Enemy Mode is a brain state that occurs every day where a person experiences others as adversaries. The authors put years of research to the test in assessing the possibility of loving ones enemies. This book is for all who desire harmonious relationships at home, at work, and in their communities-- Provided by publisher.