Colin Quinn - Overstated: A Coast-To-Coast Roast of the 50 States

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To CQ. I realize it might come off as conceited and selfish to some to dedicate a book to myself, but I couldnt think of anyone more deserving. And I hope the American people will realize what Ive meant to this country.

Nothing is more wonderful than the art of being free but nothing is harder to learn than how to use freedom.

TOCQUEVILLE

Ive been to 47 of the 50 states, not counting the Dakotas and Wyoming, so I guess Ive been to all 50. And Id always be excited to visit the different states over the years after reading and seeing about them on TV.

But every time I go to different states its like going to a family wedding or reunion where all the distant cousins are gathered. You get that feeling that these people are nothing like you. You cant believe you are related to them. But then you see them make a gesture or a facial expression and you go, Oh yeah, I see how we have the same blood. Like when two Americans that dont know each other are in another country at the same hotel, we will look over at each other like Do you believe they put up with this? Because one thing about all Americans, for better or for worse, we dont like to put up with any bureaucratic abuse or any authority dismissing us. Whether you are from New York City, like I am, or some small town, you are used to people having to deal with you as a citizen. We took the concept of the citizen and weaponized it. Before that you were a serf or a merchant or a soldier. And if you stood in front of any person or institution that represented the king and complained, they would either laugh you off or kill you. Thats day 1 of being American. I know my rights! You arent better than me.

But now everybody has taken it to the place where individual rights are just used by annoying people. To criticizing everything, to breaking off into factions just like James Madison was worried would happen. And the loudest and most extreme will always be heard. Because when people no longer believe in representative democracy, the next step has to be mob rule. Now we are in the factions moment in history, where everybody is broken up into cults trying to force their values and ideals onto each other, and so far, its not looking very promising for our future. Because everybody has known since Cain and Abel that blood relatives shouldnt fight. Thats something the Kardashians know that nobody else seems to realize. So here is the story of America. Its not always pretty, but its not always ugly. Its got ego and pride and good deeds and sacrifice and selfishness and honor and greed. Its a triumph and a tragedy and its a miraculous success and a noble failure. A toast to us! The Americans: the most self-centered, enthusiastic, discontented spiritual materialists in history. The world will never see the likes of us again. Its like your life and my life on a bigger scale (and not boring).

So, 244 years later, here we are in 50-states couples counseling and we are about to file papers for divorce. But before we do that we have to ask: Is this what we really want? Its a big decision, so we should look at what we did and how amazing it was and how impossible it was and then if we still say break up, we break up. Its been done before.

You have to go back to the beginning. At the beginning of the sixteenth century you had the big four: England, France, Spain, and Portugal. Nobody else really had international clout. If any of the big four noticed you, you had to become their colony. And the only choice you had was who you would let be your colonial master. So South America up to Georgia and Louisiana was Spain and Portugal, France was everything west of Newark and everything north of the Berkshires (or the lyrics to the first two James Taylor albums), and England was everything from Boston Harbor through Virginia, North Carolina, and the rest of the secondhand Smoky Mountains. The American colonies eventually negotiated, maneuvered, or outfought all the big-four historical empires out of all of it, and the only reason we stopped was because we had nowhere to go except to drown in the Pacific. Along the way, as we all know, it wasnt the most ethical or bloodless journey. But it was ours, good and bad.

The New England conscience doesnt keep you from doing what you shouldnt, it just keeps you from enjoying it.

I SAAC B ASHEVIS S INGER

Plymouth Rock was all about the religious people. They had slavery, but much less of it than in other places because they didnt need it for their economy. And by 1790 it was outlawed. On the other hand, Jamestown was all about the businesspeople. Slavery, money. Not equality. Individualism. You had a paradox already, right from the start. Nothing less than an odd couple when you think about it. People that were all about spirituality and people that were all about the material. These two types teamed up to make the thirteen colonies, because when you have a common enemyEnglandthat tends to bind you. And they both had immigrants whom they could send out to live their dream of the New World. The religious and the business types both sent their representatives to claim the land and push out the Brits, French, and Spaniards, so even though they thought differently, the two types of original colonists had the same strategy. The big difference was that the North was all about not being like England, no matter what. And the South was about being better than England by using Englands own earlier economic systemthe essential feudal system of classesto succeed and undercut them. Its like the two sons that both hate their father, but one becomes the opposite of their father and the other becomes just like him.

Connecticut and Massachusetts and Virginia are really the beginning of the country. Without them, what do you have? You wouldve started with Delaware and Rhode Islandand no offense but Connecticut was much more important than it is now, because of the Fundamental Orders of Connecticut, which was actually the inspiration for the U.S. Constitution. So thats pretty impressive. I mean, its on their license plate, so that means they are proud of it. Not that anybody cares. Connecticut probably hopes somebody will ask: Why does it say CONSTITUTION STATE on your license plate? But nobody does. And theyve got to be proud too of the famous constitutional decision known as the Connecticut Compromise. Because Roger Sherman went home for a weekend break when none of the founding fathers could decide whether we should have direct democracy and came up with the two senators per state vs. Congress vs. Electoral College arrangement. Thats the infamous part of the Constitution that got Trump elected. So, stop blaming the red states for Trump, put the responsibility where it belongs, Connecticut.

Connecticut is also the state that Tocqueville first talked about as formative for creating an American personality. He talked about how its citizens (and Americans in general) were religious but still civic-minded and materialistic. He describes how residents of Connecticut and all of New England were obsessed with local politics and how we set up these townships where everybody switched jobs to become part of the select committee or the magistrate or the council. And this was before the Constitution. People were already obsessed with free speech. Thats what people came here for: conversation. And thats what the founding fathers delivered in the Bill of Rights. Those early days in Connecticut are why.