Greg Gutfeld - The Joy of Hate

Copyright 2012 by Greg Gutfeld

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Crown Forum, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownforum.com

CROWN FORUM with colophon is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gutfeld, Greg.
The joy of hate : how to triumph over whiners in the age of phony outrage / Greg Gutfeld.
p. cm.
1. LiberalismUnited StatesHumor. 2. Political correctnessUnited StatesHumor. 3. United StatesPolitics and governmentHumor. 4. Political participationUnited StatesHumor. 5. PatriotismUnited StatesHumor. I. Title.
PN6231.L47.G88 2012
808.87dc23

2012026440

eISBN: 978-0-307-98697-9

Jacket photography:Victoria Janashvili

v3.1

Dedicated to Andrew Breitbart

All opinions expressed in this book are my own, and nobody elses. So dont blame others for my churlishness. I take full responsibility for any outrage caused. And for those of you who are new to my work, and find it reprehensible, remember that Ive done nothing to hide who I am, or what Im about. Enjoy!

You know what really pisses me off? People who are always pissed off. Or pretend to be pissed off. Weve created a new, frantic world of the enraged, the phony grievance, the manufactured outrage. If you make fun of something or say something truthful, someone, somewhere will be unhappy. Or say theyre unhappy, even when theyre not. When theyre bored. When theyre lonely. When they need attention. They come for you, whining, crying, screaming. And they are coming for youthe children of the corn, with a platform.

This new rising tide of constant outrage has been fueled, no doubt, by something called the Internet (which has intensified everything, including my home business selling novelty pumpkins). It has led, along with cable news (where I currently reside), to an apology brigade, comprising shrill scolds who overpopulate both sides of the political spectrum. When Rush Limbaugh says something that thin-skinned tools define as mean-spirited, sundry CNN talk show guests (most of whom never listen to Rush) demand an apology. When Bill Maher says something considered repugnant toward women, conservative watchdogs organize petitions. Everyone wants everyone else fired. No one rests until they get a scalp of contrition, a symbol of victory revealing to all that you just bested someone you dont like.

Then, of course, everyone moves on to someone else. And it doesnt even matter whether theyre truly outraged or not. In fact, its just physically impossible to be this outraged all the time. Youd pull a muscle or throw your hip out. Still, it goes onan endless game of political ping-pongwith both sides unaware that they sound almost exactly alike.

The bystanders, however, are different. The media, for the most part, tends to dismiss the outrage perpetrated by the left, often dismissing the slurs and smears as the product of edgy comedy, only because they rabidly agree with whatevers being said. You can make ruthless fun of Michele Bachmann, for the editors of the major newsweeklies think shes nuts, too. Remember the wild-eyed Newsweek cover? I do, and it still aroused me.

This liberal pass, however, is not afforded to those on the right. If Maher calls someone a slut, the outcry lasts a few days. When Rush says it, the outrage lasts as long as a case of herpes. It flares up and never really goes away (or so they tell me).

But I admit, as well, that there are times I seem angry when Im really not. Oh, some things piss me off. But in a few minutes, Ill see something fuzzy and huggable, like a cute puppy wearing a leather cap with matching chaps, and Ill forget what I was angry about. But many times Im angry in the same way Im happyits a biochemical commotion in some excitable part of the brain that can be triggered by anything. Its more about me than the thing that makes me happy, or ticked. If Im yelling at the TV, chances are its not the TVs fault. It could be the fact that there isnt a TV there at all, and Ive been yelling at a window. I hate windows. I see right through them. (I got that joke from a Bazooka Joe wrapper.)

What I have come to realize, however, is that the people who claim to be angry or upset have a bigger agenda. First, they use the language of outrage to score points against people they dont like, or to make themselves feel important. But manufactured outrage is also the freeway to ideological successthe quickest way to win not only an argument but also a career in academics, political activism, or modern dance. To be aggrieved means youve created an impenetrable wall of feeling around you: no one can question you, because youre outraged. If this book doesnt sell, surely I will be outragedand I will certainly write a book about that.

I hate the outraged so much, you could say Im outraged by their outrage. The eternally angry were born from the sixties, cultivated in the seventies, coddled in the eighties, stoked in the nineties. The politically correct didnt die, they all just got agents.

And this new outrage came into being via one phenomenon: tolerance. The idea of tolerancea seemingly innocuous concepthas now become something else entirely: a way to bludgeon people into shutting up, piping down, and apologizing, when the attacked are often the ones who hold the key to common sense. They speak an unspeakable truth, and they get clobbered by the Truncheon of Tolerance. Tolerance has turned normal people into sheep/parrot hybrids, followers in word and deedbloating and squawking at everyone in a psychological torment not experienced since Dave Matthews picked up a guitar.

Dont get me wrong. Tolerance is a good thing. It wasnt long ago that a lot of awful things were going on in our country. Blacks were treated as chattel, gays were seen as defective humans, and women couldnt vote (well, that last one might be worth revisitingjust because suffragettes are so sexy). But unlike a lot of countries, America actually changed, eliminating or reducing forms of nastiness that this very young country inherited from other older, nastier places. Remember, racism has been around since there were races. And someone is still selling slaves, right now. (I just rented one off Craigslist. His name is Marco and hes a bodybuilding Capricorn who loves Thai boxing.) Modern slavery can be found in Sudan and Mozambique, so I guess most of Americas civil rights activists dont see the point. If it wont get you prime real estate in front of cameras chanting about injustice in America, then why bother.

I also realized that because of tolerance, there are no repercussions for bad behavior. And bad behavior wont just continue, but will accelerate, because the tolerati (a name I have coined to describe those who traffic in this repressive tolerance, and hereby trademark, ensuring my comfortable retirement in Bora-Bora with a small army of half-naked manservants) provide the grease for the wheels. Think of the latest stories on teens beating the crap out of adults at movie theaters, fast food restaurants, and subway stops while people look on. No one wants to call them trash, becausewell, thats just hurtful. And hurtful often means, painfully true.

I believe I have identified an insidious kind of entitlement born from a false sense of victimhood. If you are identified as an offensive party dripping with intolerance, especially in this modern age, then youre powerless. You can be accused of anything and youre guilty. The shoe is now on the other foot, and because Im a straight male of European descent who smokes and is on a network the left hates, that foot is firmly up my ass. And trust me, its a matter of time before it goes up yours for one reason or another. Permanently. With a steel-tipped toe.