Greg Gutfeld - How to be right: the art of being persuasively correct

Lessons are things you wish you learned before you learned them.

Greg Gutfeld, Deuteronomy 23:171 (December 21, 2014 [an accurate quoteI was there when I said it])

Its not enough to be right these days. Especially when youre Right. And outnumbered by leftists who think youre evil or dumb because you happen to disagree with them.

You can be lawful, patriotic, decent, reasonably hygienic, and still be laughed off the planet by media snarks, academic snots, and government shills. Primarily because youre lawful, patriotic, decent, and reasonably hygienic.

Being right offers no protection in a world where emotions rule logic, and feelings trump fact. Bring up an unspeakable truth, perhaps in response to a casual but political conversation at work, and you will likely be condemned as rude, mean-spirited, or bigoted. The trifecta of treachery.

The world is moving away from fact-based debate and drifting into fact-free rhetoric. Whether its about criminal justice, gun control, or economic inequality, a fact is never safe in the face of compassionate outrage. The truth, people, could use a little help here.

In the modern cultural terrain, wethe sensibleare the hunted. Which is why it is time to learn how to start winning a few arguments. Its important not just to confirm normal, commonsense assumptions, but to actually convert the uncertain. To win over those who want to be won over, and sharpen the spear of facts and puncture the flatulent balloon of sanctimonious outrage. We better find them, soon, before America turns into one giant daycare center for dipshits.

In a war of ideas, the truth is the nuclear option, but only if you know how to load and drop the bomb. If all you can do is keep screaming at the other side, you lose. Because sooner or later, one of you will die. And youll be screaming to yourself. And then the only people who will hear you will be the pedestrians passing by the psych unit. Trust me, they arent enamored by your open robe. Ive been there.

The country is divided. Not just in politics, but pretty much everywhere, it seems. We have two sides, a ping-pong of shouters and amplifiers, echoing talking points they know their audience will digest with unmitigated glee. A frustrated conservative could simply blame the current malaise on President Obama, his beloved, appeasing academics, and a slobbering, spineless media. Like-minded friends will nod, because youre right.

A liberal will look at the current foreign policy mess and blame it on evil Bush, evil Republicans, evil global warming (high temperatures lead to more violence in unstable countries), evil trans-fatty acids, or evil women wearing sashes that say Miss Florida. And lets not forget: evil Fox News. At this blame-fest the brain-battered liberal audience applauds.

Meanwhile, libertarians sit back, point, and laugh, and count themselves lucky they arent in any position of responsibility. They will always be right, because all they want is for the government to get off the backs of people selling weed. Also, ecstasy and some forms of crank. Who can argue with that? As the old saying goes, Its easy to be a holy man on a mountain, especially when that mountain is on Rand Pauls ranch.

In this carnival of barkers, how do conservatives always end up on the back foot? Sometimes this is a self-inflicted wound, as when a conservative bungles a simple question about women and abortion. (Thats why Todd Akin of Missouri ended up not only on the back foot but on the hind foot.) Meanwhile, the other side can shout at will, and for the most part, the media will embrace the message.

To survive and win, we must do better. This book is designed to show you how. Yes, its an uphill battle. With the mainstream media dominating the message, we dont need another Akin. We need two Ronald Reagans and a Winston Churchill, but with better hair. We need our Obamasyoung, attractive voices who can sell fracking to the Arabs the way Obama sold himself to America.

You have to be more prepared than anyone else in the room, even if you arent planning on speaking up. (Read two articles on a subject every morning and youll shinetrust me. Its how I make my living.)

After operating in the narrow, repetitive fields of political posturing, I can attest that confirming your viewers desires is important. That is why I keep my shirt on but my hair combed. I think its important that I offer my viewers an oasiswhere they find solace, humor, like-minded thinkers, Fiji water, and packs of Camels. I confirm what many in America think, and I think Im right, as I think they are right, too.

Most arguments are about authority and credibility. All arguments come down to this: You want to say, Because I said so, and leave your opponent speechless. So winning the argument means the matter is settled when you have demonstrated that you are right and they are wrong. Even if they cant admit it, or are tied up in the trunk of your car.

That means its important to be right and win not only arguments but followers. The whole point of arguing is to defeat your opponent by looking great, without hurting your knuckles or spilling your mojito.

If youre a conservative and youre talking only to conservatives, youre no better than a fish in an aquarium at a rest home. The residents there find you appealing, but only because its a predictable comfort. Most people have other options, and as long as you fail to reach them in a persuasive manner, they will never listen. They will never even visit. And if they never listen, they will never change their minds, or come around to thinking beyond the information given to them by the better communicators in the media.