Christian Lander - Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, From Seattles Sweaters to Maines Microbrews

A Random House Trade Paperback Original

Copyright 2010 by Christian Lander

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States
by Random House Trade Paperbacks,
an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group,
a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

R ANDOM H OUSE T RADE P APERBACKS and colophon are trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Some of the material in this book originally appeared, occasionally in different form, in the blog Stuff White People Like (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com).

All illustration credits can be found on .

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lander, Christian.
Whiter shades of pale: the stuff white people like, coast to coast, from Seattles sweaters to Maines microbrews / by Christian Lander.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-679-60465-5
1. WhitesUnited StatesHumor. 2. American wit and humor. 3. Race awarenessHumor. I. Title.
PN6231.W444L36 2010
818.602dc22 2010035303

www.atrandom.com

v3.1

This book is dedicated to everyone who ever forwarded, emailed, posted, or laughed at an entry on Stuff White People Like. Thank you.

When I began Stuff White People Like back in January 2008, my knowledge of white people was limited mostly to my twenty-nine years of being white. But I had traveled a bit and spent four years in graduate school, so I was still in a pretty good position to observe the habits of the modern white individual.

So I started writing about them. Little did I know that there would be so many people interested in white people and how to exploit them for personal gain. Things went well. I wrote a book, I went on a few talk shows, and for a while I thought I was a man who knew all he could know about being white.

Then I went on a book tour.

My travels took me to magical places like Madison, Wisconsin; Austin, Texas; Portland, Oregon; and Chapel Hill, North Carolina. It became painfully evident that I still had a lot to learn about white people.

There were handicrafts beyond my wildest dreams: Another hemp hacky sack! Thanks, Boulder, Colorado! During my journeys I was introduced to many exotic grains that I could now eat in place of processed flour and that would somehow fix everything that was wrong with me. Youre right, I do feel more centered after eating this quinoa.

It was an eye-opening experience that helped me realize that as much as all white people are the same, in many ways they are slightly, superficially different.

But then again, there are few things that white people like more than slight, superficial differences. For proof, ask one about the difference between punk and post-punk and youre likely to see your afternoon evaporate with a drawn-out pointless argument.

So Ive set out to continue finding all those things that bind white people together in unity, but this time I want to take it further. I want to take it to the independent coffeeshops of the college towns in the Midwest, the music festivals in rural Tennessee, the bicycle collectives in Los Angeles, and many more places.

Stuff White People Like is going regional.

Red Sox hat.

Harvard sweatshirt. Yet for some reason they are awkward about telling you they went to Harvard (I went to school in Cambridge).

Democratic Party gear everywhere.

Boston, Massachusetts

• Overview White people in Boston are very proud of their blue-collar roots. However, for many of them, two generations is as close as they will ever get to a job requiring manual labor. This also extends to the many Bostonians who will still send their white children to public school, provided that public school is Boston Latin. Boston is also home to three alternative newsweeklies that provide many young writers with jobs that dont pay enough to make rent. The Boston white person can also be found throughout rural New England, but this breed is special, having cast off the shackles of the workaday world to begin a small organic microbrewery, creamery, or farm.
• StrengthsMayflower relatives give them low-numbered license plates; can hold liquor.
• Weaknesses Baseball-induced depression; movies about Irish gangsters.
• Secret Shame They dont really like the Dropkick Murphys.

The Ivy League is expensive, exclusive, and located in the Northeast and has campuses featuring beautiful, actual ivy-covered buildings. All these things are beloved by white people, so logically it would seem that they all love the Ivy League. But this is not true!

White people have a tortured relationship with the Ivy League, and if you broach the subject in the wrong way you can offend and even anger a white person.

But before getting into the more nuanced aspects of the subject, its important to know that all white people believe they are intelligent enough and have the work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they did not actually attend one is that they chose not to participate in the dog and pony show required to gain acceptance. White people also like to believe that they were not born into a privileged (enough) family for the coveted legacy admission. This should always be at the back of your mind as you discuss the Ivy League with a white person.

Once you have determined that a white person did not attend an Ivy League school, you should try to give them the opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this: mention grade inflation, professors who value research over teaching, or high tuition costs. Any one of these will set a white person off on a multiminute rant.

When they have reached the end of their defense about why they chose the right school, you should say, I knew a whole bunch of people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or are as smart as you. This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance among white people, since they need constant reassurance that they are smart and that they made the right choice with their life.

If you actually attended an Ivy League school, you will be seen as a threat, so prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask about how much work you had, the type of students at the school, the professors, your dorm room, and your reading lists, and they will try so hard to figure out your SAT score. They desperately need a source of comparison so that they can determine if you are actually smarter than them. In fact, the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that, white people will stop feeling threatened, since they can now believe they too would have been accepted to an Ivy League school if they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of affirmative action.