Christian Lander - Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

Contents

To my mother, Jennifer,
who by nature of being born
in England granted me an ethnicity

1 Coffee

There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, its true that Asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy a cup. But it is a certainty that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. It was obvious that they didnt enjoy it, but they did it anyway, until they liked itlike cigarettes.

As white people begin to age, a genuine taste for coffee will emerge. During this time white people will also develop a self-proclaimed addiction. This leads to them saying things like You do not want to see me before I get my morning coffee. White guys will also call it anything but coffee: rocket fuel, java, joe, black gold, and so forth. Its pretty much garbage all around.

Its worth noting that where white people buy coffee is almost as important as the drink itself. For the most part, white people love Starbucks, although they will profess to hate how the chain is now a multinational corporation. This hatred is often sublimated by their relief at seeing one in an airport. The best place for white people to drink coffee is at a locally owned coffeeshop that offers many types of drinks, free Wi-Fi, and some sort of message board that is peppered with notices about rooms for rent and bands looking for bass players.

White people are given extra points for buying Fair Trade coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference while their peers are drinking liquid oppression.

2 Religions Their Parents Dont Belong To

White people will often say they are spiritual but not religious. This usually means that they will believe in any religion that doesnt involve Jesus. The most popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah, and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but thats much rarer, since you have to make real sacrifices and actually go to a mosque.

For the most part, white people prefer religions that produce artifacts and furniture that fit into their home or wardrobe. They are also particularly drawn to religions that do not require a lot of commitment or donations.

When a white person tells you Im a Buddhist/Hindu/Kabbalahist, the best thing to do is ask how they arrived at their religious decision. The story will likely involve a trip to Thailand or a college class on religion.

3 Film Festivals

White people cant get enough of film festivals, especially Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes. This love can be due to a number of factors.

Fact #1: 90 percent of white people have taken a film class at some point in their life.

Fact #2: White people like feeling smart without doing worktwo hours in a theater is easier than ten hours with a book.

Fact #3: If white people arent going backpacking, they generally like to travel with a specific purpose.

Fact #4: 75 percent of white people believe they either have the potential to or will become filmmakers/screenwriters/ directors at some point.

Fact #5: White people hate stuff that is mainstreamso they go to film festivals, where they see movies that every other person in their demographic wants to see. Its a pretty sweet way to rebel.

Fact #6: It is required by white-person law that you publicly declare foreign cinema to be better than Hollywood movies, and on par with indie film.

Fact #7: White people earn credibility by being into films from strange countries: Oh, you liked Sideways ? Yeah, I didnt see it, Im really into Serbian film now. They had a great retrospective at the Vancouver Festival.

4 Assists

When you say the word assist, the first thing you think about is Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky. White people love to pass, its no secret.

In basketball, passing is kind of a must, so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks is like trying to be a white rapperyeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.

One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades, so passing is a way to make up for it. But more important, it makes them feel good to help others.

When you are a captain at a pick-up basketball game and you want to take a lot of shots, its a good idea to pick a white guy.

5 Farmers Markets

White people are drawn to farmers markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.

White people like farmers markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies and small businesses; the idea of buying direct from the farmer helps them assuage the fears instilled in them by reading Fast Food Nation (and yes, every white person has read this book).

Some of the other reasons include: its outside (white people love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, its a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.

If you are looking for an activity you can share with your white friends, nothing will progress the relationship faster than a trip to a farmers market.

6 Organic Food

Because of the balance of global wealth and power, there is a general assumption that white people are pretty shrewd. And for the most part, history has proven this to be true. But white people have one great weakness: organic food.

Just as with farmers markets, white people believe that organic food is grown by farmers who wear overalls, drive tractors, and dont use pesticides. In spite of the fact that most organic food is made by major agribusiness, which just uses it as an excuse to jack up prices, white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind the fact that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow there would be mass starvation and famine.

White people dont care about this. As long as they arent eating pesticides, they are pretty sure they can live forever. Its almost guaranteed that if some Colombian drug lord can start offering organic cocaine, hell be the richest guy ever.