Table of Contents
the popular girls arent what they seem
Mandy and her friends with their eyes going all black like that.... All the elaborate hazing just to be a part of their little in-crowd. I couldnt understand it. The flashes of cold, the uncertainty I felt whenever I was around Mandy. I didnt know what all of it meant.
But I was more determined than ever to find out.
Hip, modern Gothic. Lindsay is a wonderful heroinestrong and smart.Kelley Armstrong New York Times bestselling author of The Summonin
Imagine Gossip Girls with a Gothic twist. Its hard to tell whos scarierthe queen bees or the evil spiritsin Nancy Holders clever, creepy boarding school snarkfest. Nina Malkin (Swoon)
The poor little rich girls of Marlwood Academy will scare the devil out of you.Marlene Perez (Dead is the New Black)
Nancy Holder pens a riveting tale of teen angst and insanity, love and overpowering fear as she explores the dark depths of the human soul.Debbie Viguie (Wicked series)
Nancy has created the most evil clique since the witches in Macbeth.Paul Ruditis (DRAMA! series)
To those who walk in darkness.
There is light. I promise.
October: The Search
All our possessions are as nothing compared to health, strength, and a clear conscience.
Hosea Ballou
The man who seeks revenge digs two graves.
Ken Kesey,
Sometimes a Great Notion
one
October 28
possessions: me
Tibetan prayer beads
Mems UCSD sweatshirt
used black leather boho bag (thrift shop in Poway)
Converse high-tops (from Target)
Dads socks (too big, but theyre his)
tattered jeans (origin forgotten)
tortoiseshell headband (plastic)
NO makeup
five single-subject notebooks
regulation Marlwood Academy planner
ditto binder
six #2 pencils, one missing eraser (panic attack)
pens (unlimited)
cell phone (no bars, no reception here AT ALL)
Jasons St. Christopher medal (thanks, Cuz!)
me, Lindsay 2.0 (or so I hope)
haunted by: my past
listening to: my heartbeattoo fast again! dont forget to
breathe.
mood: frozen to death (not a mood?!)
possessions: them
oh.
my.
God.
is there anything they DONT have???
haunted by: not seeing any haunting
listening to: each other
mood: excited? they can pay for any mood they want.
Fog had crawled up the mountain, like a wounded animal on pine-tree claws, and bled all over the campus. I stopped and squinted at my map with its handy printed statsa hundred developed acres that included hiking paths and bike trails; thirty buildings, including a brick gym with a plaster frieze, which really needed updating, of ancient Greek athletes (male)who could also have used some underwear, if I remembered the picture correctly.
The campus was rolling in white mist, and I wasnt sure of the way to the classrooms, which were clustered on the north side of the campus. I had thought there was a shortcut through Academy Quad, my quad, but it was hard to be sure when I couldnt see more than ten feet ahead of myself.
Then a stiff wind blew, thinning the fog. Sure enough, my building loomed on top of the small hill to my left. Grose was a creaky, scary-looking rectangle made out of brick, with a slate roof. Another dorm, Jessel, crouched at the bottom of the hill like it was waiting to pounce. It was three stories tall with a slight-L-shape, where a back porch jutted out like a hunchback.
Jessel was prettier than Grose. It had towering stone columns on either side of its brightly painted red front door, and four turret rooms, one on each corner, covered in slate shingles. The windows of the turrets were arched, completing the castle-tower effect.
Everyone else in both Grose and Jessel had already moved in, made friends, and started right on scheduleSeptember 5th. I couldnt believe theyd let me start so late. Maybe nervous breakdowns came with benefits.
I was here to reinvent myself in a major way. No one here knew I had gone bonkers. No one here knew me at all. I could be anyoneLindsay Anne Cavanaugh 2.0. I really hoped I would like the remix better. I was optimistic; I had started out well as a personhad normal friends, liked animals, did pretty well in school. I used to kick butt on the cello. Okay, my mom died. And Jane Taylor seduced my boyfriend. In our house. On the throw I knitted for my mom in the hospital.
And yeah, Id pretended I didnt care. Id acted like it was no big deal. Because I wanted to be one of Janes cool chicks.
That was called cognitive dissonance, when you wanted two opposing thingssuch as self-respect and popularity. A broken heart and a shot at riding in Janes limo to Homecoming.
A second chance and all my insecurities begging me to get the heck out of here....
Sometimes, wanting those two opposing things made you fracture, like two tectonic plates crashing together beneath the surface of the ocean.
So what do you think, Botox? Or a deal with the Devil? I heard Ehrlenbachs sixty-eight. A girls voice wafted out of the billows of horror-movie white. I placed her at maybe twenty yards to my rightmy Jessel side, where a private hedge hid their front yard from view. Dr. Ehrlenbach was our headmistress, and I had yet to meet her.
Did you spend your summer in rehab? No one does Botox anymore, someone else shot back. But if shes really that old, my moneys on the Devil. My dad would do her in a heartbeat. Ive heard him say so. All right, blindfold her.
I blinked. Slowed. Waited to hear more.
Thats too tight. Ow, a third voice protested.
You know, Keeks, you dont have to do this, the second voice said, but there was a silent but youd better tacked on the end, sharpened with the familiar edge of an accomplished bitch. I knew then and there that I was eavesdropping not only on a mean girl, but a leader of samea queen bee. I was an expert on queen bees. Unfortunately.
Nothing to see here, Lindsay, I told myself, as my face prickled from memories and apprehension. Move it along. Even better, run.
They could have their fun. I was not there to have fun of any kind, especially that kind.
Im not so sure about this. That was Keeks again.
Tie her hands. Her Majesty.
Yow.
Maybe wed better wait. The first girl Id heard. Not in charge.
Just do it, Lara. Oh, forget it. Give me the rope and
God, Mandy, chill. Im on it.
Mandy. How typical. I wondered if Mandy was half as mean as Jane; and if she was, I pitied Lara just for being there almost as much as I pitied Keeks, whoever she was, for agreeing to be blindfolded and tied up in the middle of a fog bank when they should be in class. Obviously, Keeks had to prove herself to get into their exclusive little club. So not worth it.
By then I was at the hedge. Just a peek, I told myself, just to make sure shes okay.
The privet leaves were wet and small, covering branches that grew together as dense as an actual fence. I smelled wet earth and my own sugar-free cinnamon gum. Wind toyed with my crazed ringlets as I raised myself up on my tiptoes in an attempt to peer out of a thinned-out space above my head. Im only five-foot-two, and it was out of my reach. I crept to my left, still unable to see anything.