Cora Carmack - Faking It

Cade

Y ou would think Id be used to it by now. That it wouldnt feel like a rusty eggbeater to the heart every time I saw them together.

You would think I would stop subjecting myself to the torture of seeing the girl I loved with another guy.

You would be wrong on all counts.

A noreaster had just blown through, so the Philadelphia air was crisp. Day-old snow still crunched beneath my boots. The sound seemed unusually loud, like I walked toward the gallows instead of coffee with friends.

Friends.

I gave one of those funny-its-not-actually-funny laughs, and my breath came out like smoke. I could see them standing on the corner up ahead. Blisss arms were wound around Garricks neck, and the two of them stood wrapped together on the sidewalk. Bundled in coats and scarves, they could have been a magazine ad or one of those perfect pictures that come in the frame when you buy it.

I hated those pictures.

I tried not to be jealous. I was getting over it.

I was.

I wanted Bliss to be happy, and as she slipped her hands in Garricks coat pockets and their breath fogged between them, she definitely looked happy. But that was part of the problem. Even if I managed to let go of my feelings for Bliss completely, it was their happiness that inspired my jealousy.

Because I was fucking miserable. I tried to keep myself busy, made some friends, and settled into life all right here, but it just wasnt the same.

Starting over sucked.

On a scale of one to ghetto, my apartment was a solid eight. Things were still awkward with my best friend. I had student loans piling so high I might asphyxiate beneath them at any time. I thought by pursuing my masters degree, I would get at least one part of my life right... WRONG.

I was the youngest one in the program, and everyone else had years of working in the real world under his or her belt. They all had their lives together, and my life was about as clean and well kept as the community bathrooms had been in my freshman dorm. Id been here nearly three months, and the only acting Id done had been a cameo appearance as a homeless person in a Good Samaritan commercial.

Yeah, I was living the good life.

I knew the minute Bliss caught sight of me because she pulled her hands out of Garricks pockets, and placed them safely at her sides. She stepped out of his arms and called, Cade!

I smiled. Maybe I was doing some acting after all.

I met them on the sidewalk, and Bliss gave me a hug. Short. Obligatory. Garrick shook my hand. As much as it irked me, I still really liked the guy. Hed never tried to keep Bliss from seeing me, and hed apparently given me a pretty stellar reference when I applied to Temple. He didnt go around marking his territory or telling me to back off. He shook my hand and smiled, and sounded genuine when he said, Its good to see you, Cade.

Good to see you guys, too.

There was a moment of awkward silence, and then Bliss gave an exaggerated shiver. I dont know about you guys, but Im freezing. Lets head inside.

Together we filed through the door. Mugshots was a coffee place during the day and served alcohol at night. Id not been there yet, as it was kind of a long trek from my apartment up by the Temple campus and because I didnt drink coffee, but Id heard good things. Bliss loved coffee, and I still loved making Bliss happy, so I agreed to meet there when she called. I thought of asking if theyd serve me alcohol now, even though it was morning. Instead I settled on a smoothie and found us a table big enough that wed have plenty of personal space.

Bliss sat first while Garrick waited for their drinks. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, but the winter weather agreed with her. The blue scarf knotted around her neck brought out her eyes, and her curls were scattered across her shoulders, windswept and wonderful.

Damn it. I had to stop doing this.

She pulled off her gloves, and rubbed her hands together. How are you? she asked.

I balled my fists under the table and lied. Im great. Classes are good. Im loving Temple. And the city is great. Im great.

You are? I could tell by the look on her face that she knew I was lying. She was my best friend, which made her pretty hard to fool. Shed always been good at reading me... except for when it came to how I felt about her. She could pick up on just about all my other fears and insecurities, but never that. Sometimes I wondered if it was wishful thinking. Maybe she never picked up on my feelings because she hadnt wanted to.

I am, I assured her. She still didnt believe me, but she knew me well enough to know that I needed to hold on to my lie. I couldnt vent to her about my problems, not right now. We didnt have that kind of relationship anymore.

Garrick sat down. Hed brought all three of our drinks. I didnt even hear them call out my order.

Thanks, I said.

No problem. What are we talking about?

Here we go again.

I took a long slurp of my smoothie so that I didnt have to answer immediately.

Bliss said, Cade just finished telling me all about his classes. Hes kicking higher educations ass. At least some things hadnt changed. She still knew me well enough to know when I needed an out.

Garrick nudged Blisss drink toward her and smiled when she took a long, grateful drink. He turned to me and said, Thats good to hear, Cade. Im glad its going well. Im still on good terms with the professors at Temple, so if you ever need anything, you know you just have to ask.

God, why couldnt he have been an asshole? If he were, one good punch would have gone a long way to easing the tightness in my chest. And it would be much cheaper than punching out a wall in my apartment.

I said, Thanks. Ill keep that in mind.

We chattered about unimportant things. Bliss talked about their production of Pride and Prejudice, and I realized that Garrick really had been good for her. I never would have guessed that out of all of us, shed be the one doing theatre professionally so quickly after we graduated. Its not that she wasnt talented, but she was never confident. I thought she would have gone the safer route and been a stage manager. I liked to think I could have brought that out of her, too, but I wasnt so sure.

She talked about their apartment on the edge of the Gayborhood. So far, Id managed to wriggle out of all her invitations to visit, but sooner or later I was going to run out of excuses and would have to see the place they lived. Together.

Apparently their neighborhood was a pretty big party area. They lived right across from a really popular bar. Garrick said, Bliss is such a light sleeper that it has become a regular event to wake up and listen to the drama that inevitably occurs outside our window at closing time.

She was a light sleeper? I hated that he knew that and I didnt. I hated feeling this way. They started relaying a story of one of those nighttime events, but they were barely looking at me. They stared at each other, laughing, reliving the memory. I was a spectator to their perfect harmony, and it was a show I was tired of watching.

I made a promise to myself then that I wouldnt do this again. Not until I had figured all my shit out. This had to be the last time. I smiled and nodded through the rest of the story, and was relieved when Blisss phone rang.