Ilsa J. Bick - Ashes

C ARL S ANDBURG

W HERE ARE YOU ? A UNT H ANNAH DEMANDED AS SOON AS Alex thumbed TALK . What do you think youre doing?

I just crossed into Michigan, Alex said, choosing the easiest question first. When shed spotted the WELCOME TO MICHIGAN sign GREAT LAKES! GREAT TIMES! she felt a sense of things opening up, expanding, as if shed been traveling in a perpetual night on a lonely road hemmed by a thick, black forest and was only now getting her first glimpse of the sun. I had to get gas. Which was really neither here nor there.

Michigan. What the bloody hells in Michigan? Aunt Hannahs second husband had been a Brit. Aunt Hannah wasnt. She was originally from WisconsinSheboygan, which Alex didnt think was a real place until the Everly Brothers mentioned itand said bloody was way better than other swears because all her friends, most of whom were Lutherans, thought she was just being cute: Oh, that Hannah . So Aunt Hannah said bloody quite often, especially in church.

Lots of things, Alex said. She stood a few feet away from the gas stations bathrooms in a blush of salmon-colored light from the setting sun. Across the street, a billboard suggesting a visit to Oren in Amish country jockeyed with one exhorting families to bring their elderly to a hospice named Northern Light GODS LIGHT IN DARK TIMES and another suggested a visit to the Iron Mining Museum north of town. I just needed some time.

Time. Time for what ? Aunt Hannahs voice was tight. You think this is a bloody game? Were talking about your life , Alexandra.

I know that. Its just She toyed with a silver whistle on a sterling chain around her neck. The whistle had been a gift from her father when she was six, on their first overnight hike: You ever get into trouble out here, honey, you just blow that and Ill be there in a heartbeat . This was one of her few, clear, precious memories of him. I need to do this now, while I still can.

I see. So theyre with you?

Alex knew what who she meant. Yes.

I notice your fathers gun is missing, too.

Ive got it.

I see, Aunt Hannah said again, although her tone suggested she really didnt. Do you honestly think suicide is the answer?

Is that what you think? From somewhere over her shoulder, Alex heard the bathroom door open, and a moment later two girls, a blonde and a brunette, swished by, each wearing a powder-blue sweatshirt with SOMERVILLE HIGH and a tennis racket stenciled in a blaze of white. You think Im going to kill myself?

She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. Glancing at Alex, Ponytail Blonde leaned in to whisper something to Ponytail Brunette, who also threw Alex a look. They both did the whole peek-whisper-giggle routine all the way across the lot to a small, ancient-looking school bus and a harried older guy with glasses and a frizz of Einstein hair.

Cheeks burning, Alex turned away. Its nothing like that.

Although if she were being truthful, it wasnt like she hadnt downed a couple shots of Jack and taken her dads gun out a few times for a good hard stare. The thing that stopped her, mainly, was the thought that her hand might jerk and shed end up giving herself a frontal lobotomy or something, which would be just too pathetic. She could picture the gossip girlskids like Ponytail Blonde and Ponytail Brunetteat lunch afterward: Like, gawd, how lame.

Aunt Hannah said, Yes, but if you were coming back, you wouldnt have taken them.

No. All it means is that theyre not coming back.

Alexandra, theres no need for you to do this on your own. Your mother was my sister. Aunt Hannahs voice got a little watery. I know she would never have agreed to this. This was not their intention .

Well, isnt it good theyre not around to argue the point?

Aunt Hannah went from watery to desert-dry in a nanosecond. Dont use that tone of voice with me, Alexandra. You are only seventeen. You are a very sick young woman, and you are not old enough to know whats best in this situation. Stubbornness and self-pity are not answers.

This was getting them nowhere. All Aunt Hannah saw was a seventeen-year-old orphan, with a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball, whod finally cracked under the strain. I know, Aunt Hannah. Youre right. Feeling sorry for myself and being a pain in the ass are not answers.

Good. Now weve cleared that up. Her aunt honked into a tissue. When are you coming back?

Uh maybe never? First week in October. Maybe the eighth?

She could hear her aunt counting under her breath. Twelve days? Why so long?

It takes that long to hike there and back.

Hike?

Well, there arent any roads.

But you cant be serious. Youre not strong enough.

Sure I am. Its been three months since the last cycle. Ive been running and swimming and lifting, and my weights up again. Im plenty strong.

But what about the new treatments? Youre due in three days and

Im not doing any more treatments.

Dr. Barrett was very clear that this new procedure Her aunt broke off as Alexs words registered. What? What do you mean youre not doing any more treatments? Dont be ridiculous. Of course you are. What are you saying?

Im saying that Im done, Aunt Hannah.

But but the experimental drug, her aunt spluttered. The procedure, the PEBBLES

You know theyre not going to work. Like the new drug, the PEBBLESProbes Encapsulated By Biologically Localized Embeddingwere also experimental: nano-sized beads, full of poison and coated with a special light-sensitive chemical. Once injected into her bloodstream, the PEBBLES made their way to her brain, where they snuggled up to the tumor: a stubborn monster that had, after a dozen rounds of chemo and radiation, refused to die. When activated by an optic probe, the beads were supposed to release their deadly payload. So far, after four tries, hers had not, even though the doctors had reloaded her brain with enough PEBBLES to run a few dozen pinball machines.