Peter Heller - The Painter

I never imagined I would shoot a man. Or be a father. Or live so far from the sea.

As a child, you imagine your life sometimes, how it will be.

I never thought I would be a painter. That I might make a world and walk into it and forget myself. That art would be something I would not have any way of not doing.

My own father was a logger, very gentle, who never fought with anyone.

I could not have imagined that my daughter would be beautiful and strong like my mother. Whom she would never meet. Or that one afternoon at the Boxcar in Taos I would be drinking Jim Beam with a beer back and Lauder Simms would be at the next stool nursing a vodka tonic, probably his fourth or fifth, slurping the drink in a way that made ants run over my neck, his wet eyes glancing over again and again. The fucker who had skated on a certain conviction for raping a twelve year old girl in his movie theater downtown, looking at me now, saying,

Jim, your daughter is coming up nice, I like seeing her down at the theater.

Come again?

Long legged like her mom, I mean not too skinny.

What?

I dont mean too skinny, Jim. I mean just His leer, lips wet with tonic. Shes real interested in movies. Everything movies. Im gonna train her up to be my little projectionist

I never imagined something like that could be reflex, without thought: pulling out the .41 magnum, raising it to the man half turned on the stool, pulling the trigger. Point blank. The concussion inside the windowless room. Or how everything explodes like the inside of a dream and how Johnny, my friend, came lunging over the bar, over my arm, to keep me from pulling the trigger again. Who saved my life in a sense because the man who should have died never did. How the shot echoed for hours inside the bar, inside my head. Echoed for years.

I painted that moment, the explosion of colors, the faces.

How regret is corrosive, but one of the things it does not touch is that afternoon, not ever.

My house is three miles south of town. There are forty acres of wheatgrass and sage, a ditch with a hedgerow of cottonwoods and willows, a small pond with a dock. The back fence gives on to the West Elk Mountains. Right there. They are rugged and they rise up just past the back of my place, from sage into juniper woods, then oak brush, then steep slopes of black timber, spruce and fir, and outcrops of rock and swaths of aspen clinging to the shoulders of the ridges. If I walk a few miles south, up around the flank of Mount Lamborn, I am in the Wilderness, which runs all the way to the Curecanti above Gunnison, and across to Crested Butte.

From the little ramada I look south to all those mountains and east to the massif of Mount Gunnison. All rock and timber now in August. Theres snow up there all but a few months a year. They tell me that some years the snow never vanishes. Id like to see that.

If I step out in front of the small house and look west it is softer and drier that direction: the gently stepping uplift of Black Mesa where the Black Canyon of the Gunnison River cuts through; other desert mesas; the Uncompahgre Plateau out beyond it all, hazy and blue.

This is my new home. Its kind of overwhelming how beautiful. And little Paonia, funny name for a village out here, some old misspelling of Peony. Nestled down in all this high rough country like a train set. The North Fork of the Gunnison runs through it, a winding of giant leafy cottonwoods and orchards, farms, vineyards. A good place I guess to make a field of peace, to gather and breathe.

Thing is I dont feel like just breathing.

Sofia pulls up in the Subaru she calls Triceratops. Its that old. I can hear the rusted out muffler up on the county road, caterwauling like a Harley, hear the drop in tone as it turns down the steep gravel driveway. The downshift in the dip and dinosaur roar as it climbs again to the house. Makes every entrance very dramatic, which she is.

She is twenty-eight. An age of drama. She reminds me of a chicken in the way she is top-heavy, looks like she should topple over. I mean her trim body is small enough to support breasts the size of tangerines and she is grapefruit. It is not that she is out of proportion, its exaggerated proportion which I guess fascinates me. I asked her to model for me five minutes after meeting her. That was about three months ago. We were standing in line in the tiny hippy coffee shopBlue Moon, what else?the only place in town with an espresso machine. She was wearing a short knit top and she had strong arms, scarred along the forearms the way someone who has worked outside is scarred, and a slightly crooked nose, somehow Latin. She looked like a fighter, like me. Sofia noticed the paint splattered on my cap, hands, khaki pants.

Artist, she said. It wasnt a question.

Her brown eyes which were flecked with green roved over my head, clothes, and I realized she was cataloguing the colors in the spatters.

Exuberant, she said. Primitive. Outsiderin quotes.

Youre kidding.

I went to RISD for a year but dropped out.

Then her eyes went to the flies stuck in the cap.

Artist fisherman, she said. Cool.

She asked how long Id been here, I said two weeks, she said, Welcome. Sofia, and stuck out her hand.

I said I needed models.

She cocked her head and measured me with one eye. Held it way past politeness.

Nude?

Sure.

How much?

Shrug. Twenty bucks an hour?

Im trying to decide if you are a creep. Youre not a violent felon are you?

Yes. I am.

A smile trembled across her face. Really?

I nodded.

Wow. Whatd you do?

I shot a man in a bar. Youre not going to back out the door like in a horror movie are you?

She laughed. I was thinking about it.

My second wife did that when she found out.

She was laughing uninhibited. People in line were smiling at her.

Youre married?

Not anymore. She ran off down the road.

Ill do it, she said. For twenty-five. Danger pay.

Took her a while to rein in her mirth.

Nude modeling for a violent killer convict. That is a first. Twenty-five, right?

I nodded. I didnt kill the guy, I just shot him. I was a little high and to the left.

She was laughing again and I knew that I had made a friend.

Now she shoved open the door like she always did, like she was doing some SWAT breach entry. Tumbled into the room.

Morning.

Hey.

Your muffler is getting worse.

Really? Tops is balking at extinction. Poor guy.

She sat on a stool at the long butcher block counter that separates the kitchen in this one big room. I pushed aside a bunch of sketch paper and charcoal and the fly-tying vise where Id been tying up some Stegner Killers, invented by yours truly, which the trout couldnt seem to resist the past couple of weeks. I set a mug of coffee on the counter between us, poured myself another.

What are we doing today?

An Ocean of Women. Something Ive been thinking about.

An ocean? Just me?

On my way up here from Santa Fe a good friend told me I cant always swim in an ocean of women. I saw it. Me swimming, all the women, the fish. I thought we could give it a try.