Elaine Wolf - Camp

When I was fourteen, not quite four years ago, Id lie awake at night and pray my mother would die.

If I had known her secret, I might not have hated her. But my parents didnt tell me about the ghost that slipped into the hospital the day I was born. It crept across my umbilical cord, linking me to my mothers past. Then it wedged right between us. My father said doctors couldnt explain the purple blotches on my chest. But now Im sure of this: That phantom punched me hard. And though the black-and-blues faded before I could crawl, the ghost kept pushing my mother from me, flexing its muscles, bulking up. So by the time my parents sent me to sleepaway camp, that ghost was larger than I was. I just hadnt seen it yet.

Dad sprang the news about camp on us in the fall when I was in ninth grade. I heard from my brother today, he announced at dinner as my mother carried a plate of lamb chops to the kitchen table. The smell of meat thickened the air. Ed closed the deal on that girls camp hes been looking at.

My mothers hands shook on hearing Eds name. Back then, in 1962, I couldnt have guessed the real reason my uncle rattled her, though I would find out in time.

And theres great news for you, Amy, my father told me. He smiled so wide I saw his gold tooth. Guess whos going to sleepaway? Dad used his happy-birthday voice, the tone usually followed by a brightly wrapped package.

But camp was a present I didnt want. What if all the girls knew each other from past summers? And how could I leave my little brother, Charlie? Who would play with him when hed come home from summer school at The Woodland Center for Handicapped Children? Who would read to him while our mother made supper or brought the laundry up from the basement or mopped the bathroom floor?

Dad, I dont want to go, I said flatly.

Youre not worried about the cost, honey, are you? He kept talking before I could tell him that wasnt itnot at all. Cause everythings worked out already. Ill help Uncle Ed with the bookkeeping, and youll go to camp for free. Isnt that great news? My father lifted his water glass as if to toast me. The two oldest cabins are for girls just your age.

My mother uncovered a pot. The lid clanged the stove. Lou, you said wed discuss this when the deal went through. We need to talk about it.

We will. Itll be fine. My father faced me and smiled again.

Dad, I really dont want to go. What if nobody liked me? Id be all alone. Not even Charlie to talk to, to care for. I slid closer to him and jabbed a bite of meat. But when I held out his fork, my brother refused it. Instead, he drummed the tablea kind of frenzied patting.

Dont be silly, Amy, my father said. Of course you want to go. Who wouldnt want eight weeks by a lake in Maine?

Lou, my mother said once more, turning from the stove this time. She stared hard at my father, then fixed on Charlie. I said we need to talk about this.

But Ed says its a beautiful place.

What could Ed possibly know about running a camp? Sonia, come on, Sonia. Hell learn. And the propertys terrific. In great shape, Ed says. I dont care what Ed says.

Why cant you just be happy for him? Were family, for Gods sake. Brothers support each other. And anyhow, Ed got a good deal, and Amy gets to go to camp. What could be wrong with that?

I told you, my mother answered. Ed doesnt know the first thing about running a camp.

And I told you hell learn. And he wont even have to change a thing. He already talked to the head counselor. Shes been there two or three summers, and she said shell come back.

Dad, I really dont think I placed a hand on Charlies, stilling his fingers. Everything stopped: the air in the kitchen, the swish of my mothers spoon in the vegetable pot, the questions in my mind.

Your mothers right, Amy. Right as usual. She and I will talk about this later.

I forced a playfulness into my voice then, a reassurance for myself as well as for Charlie that nothing would change, that no one would go away for the summer. Lets pour some ketchup, buddy. Then you can dip, okay?

My mother turned a thimbleful of peas onto Charlies plate. He grabbed his fork, holding it tight in his scrawny fist. No. Charlie mustered up his gravelly voice. No. No! He swiped at his plate, sending meat and vegetables through the kitchen.

My mother leaped up behind him, her hands heavy on Charlies birdlike shoulders.

Its okay, son, my father said, as Charlie struggled to twist loose, his eyes finding mine.

Mom, let him go! The words spilled from my mouth. I couldnt stop them, though I knew Id get in trouble. Please, Mom. Youre hurting him. I looked to my father in silent pleading: Do something.

My mothers eyes burned into me. You think youre so smart, Amy? You know whats best for your brother? Then you make him behave.

Please, I tried again, my voice softer now. Just let him go, Mom.

Oh, you dont know anything, Amy, she said. Charlie wriggled faster to escape our mothers grip. You dont know anything. Nothing.

But youre hurting him! I tried once more, my courage fueled by anger. How dare she treat Charlie like that. Stop squeezing his shoulders!

My mother shot Dad a look. Dont you tell your mother how to manage her own son, young lady, my father said.

Charlie finally freed himself and flew from the kitchen. I followed my brother up the stairs, pounding the steps to the beat in my mind: I hate her. I hate her. I wish she were dead.

I hated how my mother made my father buckle. I hated how my mother treated Charlie. I hated how she made me feel unworthy of her love.

That night my father told us about camp, I prayed my mother would die.

The day before camp started, my mother and I went to Woolworths for the toiletries I hadnt packed in my trunk: a soap holder, collapsible plastic cup, Prell shampoo. When an extra dollar popped up on the cash register, my mother tapped her foot, ticking off seconds while the checkout girl struggled to cancel the overcharge. My mother glanced at her watch. Charlies bus was due at the house in twenty minutes.

Sorry, maam, the cashier said. I need the manager.

Whats your name, young lady?

Im trying my best, maam.

My mother sighed loudly enough for the clerk to hear, then asked again, Whats your name?

I wished I could shrink to dime size and slide right into the register. Why did my mother always make a fuss over every little thing?

Anna, the cashier mumbled, head down.

What did you say? The edge vanished from my mothers voice.

Anna, the girl repeated, looking up now.

My mother let out a slow breath. Im sorry, dear. I barely recognized my mothers voice, suddenly so filled with softness I wondered what I had missed. Had my mother met this Anna before?

I recognized her as one of the girls I had seen on line at the Dairy Queen when my father and I took Charlie for a cone. When my brother spotted a dachshund, leashed at the far corner, Charlies scream had silenced even the high school boys.