Sam Byers - Idiopathy

Comparatively recently, during a family function about which Katherines mother had used the term three-line whip, but which Katherines sister had nevertheless somehow avoided, Katherines mother had shown a table of attendant relatives the photographs she kept in her purse. The relatives were largely of the aged kind, and their reliable delight in photos was a phenomenon Katherine had long been at a loss to understand. As far as she was concerned, ninety per cent of photographs (and relatives) looked the same. One grinning child was much like the next; one wedding was indistinguishable from another; and given that the majority of her family tended to holiday in depressingly predictable places, the resultant snaps of their trips abroad were fairly uniform too. So while the other relatives Aunt Joan and Uncle Dick and their oddly wraith-like daughter, Isabel, plus two or three generic wrinklies who Katherine dimly remembered but with whom she had little interest in getting re-acquainted cooed and hummed at the photos the way one might at a particularly appetising and well-arranged dessert, Katherine remained quiet and shuttled her eyes, as she so often did on these occasions, between the face of her mother and that of her watch, neither of which offered any reassurance that the event would soon be over.

Katherines mothers purse, unlike the hands that held it, was smooth and new; recently purchased, Katherine happened to know, at Liberty, where Katherines mother regularly stepped outside her means.

What a lovely purse, said some removed cousin or other, clearly aware that any accessory Katherines mother produced in public had to elicit at least one compliment or else find itself summarily relegated to one of the sacks of abandoned acquisitions that she deposited with alarming regularity at the local charity shop. It struck Katherine that if the relatives had only shown a similar sense of duty when it came to the men in her mothers life, her mother might be living in quite different circumstances.

Isnt it darling? said Katherines mother, true to form. Liberty. An absolute snip. Couldnt resist.

The photos were remarkably well-preserved considering that Katherines mother treated the majority of objects as if they were indestructible and then later, peering forlornly at their defunct remains, bemoaned the essentially shoddy nature of modern craftsmanship.

Look at these, said Katherines mother, referring to the photographs in exactly the same tone of voice as shed used when discussing the purse. Arent these just lovely?

She passed round the first picture a passport-sized black-and-white of Katherines sister Hazel clasping a flaccid teddy. With its rolling eyes and lack of muscle tone, the little creature looked like it had been drugged, lending Hazel (in Katherines eyes at least) the appearance of some sinister prepubescent abductor.

The teddy was called Bloot, said Katherines mother as the photo went from hand to hand, although God knows why. It went all floppy like that after she was sick on it and we had to run it through the wash. There wasnt a thing that girl owned that she wasnt at some point sick on. Honestly, the constitution of a delicate bird.

Such a shame she couldnt be here today, someone said.

Oh, I know, said Katherines mother. But she doesnt have a moment to herself these days. She just works and works. And what with all this terrible cow business

Heads nodded in agreement, and although Katherine couldnt be sure, and would later convince herself shed imagined it, she thought for a moment that more than one pair of eyes flicked her way in the reflex judgement typical of any family gathering: attendance was closely related to employment. People were grateful if you came, but then also assumed that your job was neither important nor demanding, since all the relatives with important and demanding jobs were much too busy to attend more than once a year, at which time they were greeted like knights returning from the crusades and actively encouraged to leave throughout the day lest anything unduly interfere with their work. Katherines sister had revelled in this role for several years now, and it irked Katherine that the less Hazel showed up, the more saintly and over-worked she became in everyones minds, while the more Katherine put in appearances and made an effort to be attentive to the family, the more she was regarded as having wasted her life. It was, admittedly, slightly different on this occasion, given that half the roads were now closed on account of the cows. Everyone that had made it seemed grimly proud, as if theyd traversed a war zone. Katherine couldnt have cared less about the cattle, but she was enjoying the momentary respect her attendance seemed to have inspired.

The second photo was not produced until the first had completed its circuit. It was of Katherines father, dressed in a waxed jacket and posing awkwardly with a shotgun.

Theres Nick, said Katherines mother. He didnt hit a thing, of course, but he enjoyed playing the part. He had all the kit, needless to say, but that was Nick. Strong on planning, poor in execution. I took that picture myself.

She paused pointedly before passing it round, encouraging a few nods of sympathy from the aunts and uncles. Katherines mother had, for as long as Katherine could remember, reliably played the sympathy card when discussing the man who had fathered her children, lingered a couple of years, and then decamped for Greece with a woman hed met at the doctors surgery while waiting to have his cholesterol levels checked. Katherine received two cards a year from her father, for Christmas and her birthday, with a third bonus card if she achieved anything noteworthy. Hed called her just once, soppy-drunk and clearly in the grip of a debilitating mid-life crisis, and told her always to beware of growing up to be like either of her parents.

The photograph circled the table and was followed, with precision timing, by a colour snapshot of Homer, the family dog, who, never the most intelligent of animals, had leapt to his death chasing a tennis ball over a series of felled trees, impaling himself on a shattered branch and leaving Katherine, who had thrown the ball, to explain to her mother why her precious mongrel was not only dead but in fact still needed to be prised from his branch, while her daughter remained inexplicably unharmed and unforgivably dry-eyed.

The next and, as it turned out, final photograph, was of Daniel, Christmas hat tipsily askew, raising a glass from his regal position behind a large roast turkey.

Ahh, said Katherines mother. Theres Daniel, look. Such a darling. Did you ever meet Daniel? Oh, of course, he came to that thing a few years ago. Such a charmer. I just adored him. Poor Katherine. Hes the one that got away, isnt he, dear?

Not really, said Katherine. No.

Still a rough subject, said Katherines mother, smiling at Katherine in a maternal fashion something she only ever did in public. Daniels doing ever so well these days, of course, unlike some, who shall remain nameless. Her gaze, morphing like the liquid figures of a digital clock, became sterner. So easy to get stuck, isnt it?

She slid the last picture back into the folds of her purse, snapped the clasp, and returned the purse to her handbag, leaving everyone to look once, briefly, at Katherine, and then gaze uncomfortably at the tabletop, silent until the welcome arrival of coffee, at which point Katherine politely excused herself in order to go to the bathroom and tear a toilet roll in half.