Nell Zink - The Wallcreeper

I was looking at the map when Stephen swerved, hit the rock, and occasioned the miscarriage. Immediately obvious was my sticky forehead. Maybe I was unconscious for a couple of seconds, I dont know. Eventually I saw Stephen poking around the front of the car and said, Jesus, what was that.

He leaned in at the window and said, Hey, youre bleeding. Hold on a second. He crossed behind the car, looked both ways, and retrieved the bird from the opposite ditch.

I opened the door and put my feet outside, threw up, and lay down, not in the vomit but near it. The fir tops next to me had their roots at the bottom of a cliff.

Can I use this bread bag? Stephen asked. Tiff? Tiff? He kneeled next to me. That was stupid of me. I shouldnt touch you after handling this bird. Can you hear me? Tiff?

He helped me into the back seat and I lay down on the bread. He said head wounds always bleed like that. I said he should have kept quiet. I lost the ability to see and began to hyperventilate a bit. The car pulled back on to the road. From the passenger seat the wallcreeper said, Twee.

Open the bag! I cried.

Twee! it said again.

Stephen pulled over and busied himself with it for a moment. He said, I thought it was dead. I just wanted to get it off the road. I was going to have it prepared or something, I dont know. You should see its wings. For me its a lifer. Its like the most wonderful bird. But its a species of least concern and actually theyre all over the place except anyplace you would normally go. I identified it even before I hit it. Tichodroma muraria! It was unmistakable, just like they said it would be. So this is great. Dead is not a tick as far as Im concerned. I identified it before I hit it anyway. It really is unmistakable. You should see it, Tiff. Im rambling on like this because you might have a concussion and youre not supposed to sleep.

Put on music.

The wallcreeper protested. Twee!

I stayed awake by retching, and Stephen drove defensively but swiftly back to Interlaken.

When I awoke I mean the next time I was allowed a cup of coffee Stephen steadied my hand on the mug and said, I have a surprise for you. But its in the kitchen.

I dont think I can get up.

Well, it cant come in here.

It will have to wait. I slurped and he winced. I drank more quietly.

Twee, said the wallcreeper.

You didnt! I laughed. But my what am I going to call it? My down there plays a minor role in several scenes to come. It appeared to be connected to the underside of my stomach with shock cords stretched too tight. I rolled over on my side and coughed. I wasnt pregnant, I noticed. I clenched my hands into claws and cried like a drift log in heavy surf. Stephen put his hands on my ears. Much later he told me he thought if I couldnt hear myself I might stop. He said it reminded him of feedback mounting in an amplifier.

Our first meeting prevented a crime. He saw me standing in front of the open gate of the vault. I had an armful of files, my hips were thrust forward, one wee foot in ballet slippers was rubbing the instep of the other, my skirt was knee-length and plaid and my blouse was white and roomy, and I was thinking: If I move fast, I can grab the files on that stuff they use to euthanize psychotics and be down the stairwell in ten seconds. I was a typist at a pharmaceutical company in Philadelphia. The vault was where the bodies were buried, and there was no one in sight. Except Stephen, who walked up and asked my name.

Tiffany, he said. That means a divine revelation. From theophany.

It means a lampshade, I said. Its a way to get around the problem of putting your light under a bushel. The light and the bushel are one.

He didnt back away. It was one of those moments where you think: We will definitely fuck. It might take a while, though, because Stephen looked as respectable as I did.

He was interviewing for a position in R&D in Berne.

He pretended I was going to be this really difficult and challenging conquest. He wooed me with everything I ever mentioned favorably: Little Debbie marshmallow pies, nasturtiums, the sweet wines so dear to the palate of our shared idol Richard Nixon (a joke), Alban Berg (a joke he didnt get). He had no intention of going to Berne alone.

My parents were unanimous. Hes a keeper, they said. They just about kicked me into bed with him. So the first time we had sex was on their pullout sofa. He was beautiful. It was hypnotic. I was sold.

He warned me that his parents were arty. His father sat me down on the dock behind their house and advised me to enter into a suicide pact effective on Stephens fiftieth birthday. I said, If I make it that long, which was the right answer. His mother didnt make it home that weekend. We were married in Orphans Court. From the vault to the altar took three weeks. We didnt talk much about what we were doing. We had a deal.

I hadnt wanted to be pregnant. It was just one of those things that happen when newlyweds get drunk. It seemed like something Id get used to. Losing the baby was more dire than I had dreamed possible. Cause and effect had no relation at all. The effect was way over my head, and beside it, and beyond it. It was a bodily distress. I had no way of putting it into words. So I didnt. Stephen would sit there on the edge of the bed, looking at me, holding my hand, then lie down and tuck himself in. I didnt feel gloomy. I didnt even feel sorry for myself. I didnt tell myself what had happened. If I tell myself stories, I get very sentimental very fast. So I didnt. I moved around slowly, looking at things before I touched them to make sure there was nothing frightening about them. I had no thoughts to speak of. I wanted to be addressed in hushed tones of pity, even by myself. I wanted to hear my own whispers in the next room and know that I was thinking of me.

We didnt have friends yet in Berne really, but his colleague Omar came to look at the wallcreeper. Omar was in Animal Health, so he knew something about birds. Also, he was in pharmaceuticals, so he knew how to keep a secret. He told Stephen the bird would never fly again and that stealing it out of the wild was not of the brainiest.

The next day, I got up and went into the kitchen. The wallcreeper flew across the room, banged into the window, and lay still. Then, as before, it sat up and said, Twee. It leapt on to its feet like a little karate black belt recovering from a fall. It flicked its wings and tongued a flax seed on the floor.

Im worried about it, I said to Stephen on the phone. It cant get any traction on the wall. It needs pegboard. Then we could feed it. We could, like, put bugs in the holes in the pegboard. I dont like that youre feeding it bacon or whatever this is on the bulletin board. What is this? Its going to pull out the pushpins and get hurt. We have to give it bugs, to prepare it for release into the wild.

If it gets out, well never see it again, Stephen said. Why dont you go out shopping and buy some curtains? Get white. That would keep it from trying to fly out the window. Its going to get conspicuous if it starts flying around. Which was true. It flew like a giant butterfly, or a tiny bird of paradise, or a nylon propeller fluttering from a kite.

Scramble it some eggs, Stephen added. Whatevers in eggs must be in birds. Relax until I get home.

After Stephen saw the curtains and screwed the pegboard to the wall, he wanted to have sex standing up in the kitchen. It had been three weeks.

We kissed, but my whatever had not healed. It was hot and dry. (I mean my brain.) I just stood there in a state of mournful passivity while he knelt down and licked me, touching my asshole rhythmically with one finger and petting my thigh in counterpoint. I felt sad. His awkward hands reminded me of the flames around Joan of Arc at the stake. But I knew after we started to have actual sex I would feel better. However, that was before he entered my butt with the rest of his hand followed by his penis and the metaphoric auto-da-f became a thick one-to-one description of taking a dump.